SO YOU WANNA MAKE A TRAILER... IN PHILADELPHIA???? HAAAAAHAHAAAHA!! PART TWO: PAYING FOR IT

Doing a trailer involves as much work as making a complete film. It's also the same work as doing a short. It may not be as expensive as making a completed film, but it involves the same amount of work. So it becomes an evaluation game: is your time worth a teaser, a short or a completed film?

We were due to film between the holidays. Scheduling became a nightmare. I was making phone calls and emails to strangers, negotiating salaries to people I hadn't even met (always dangerous). The budget kept rising. Why? Because when you're faced with a hard shooting date, you start to throw money at your problems.

In the end, I decided to pull the plug on making a trailer. The work outweighed the reward.

Plus, it was getting to be too darn cold.

So, having dipped my toe in the indie world on the East Coast, I thought I'd share some lessons and stories I picked up along the way....


ADVENTURES WITH DIRECTORS OF PHOTOGRAPHY

As I may have mentioned before, there appears to be a complete and utter dearth of talent in Philadelphia. So we were forced to consider DPs from New York.

We talked with some very talented DPs from NYC who were willing to work on our project for either free for little or no money, provided we rented them a camera.

Read that last sentence again.

Yep. You read that right.

I was actually talking with DPs WHO DON'T OWN CAMERAS.

Think about it.

It's like considering hiring a driver who doesn't have a car. Or a writer who doesn't have a computer. Or a landscaper who doesn't even own his own LEAF BLOWER!!!

(sighs) Moving on.

One DP we talked to was from Los Angeles, who offered to come down and work for free! Sure, we had to fly him out and put him up, but man, was he talented!

In addition to flying him out we also had to rent some equipment.

Oh, nothing big. Just a Canon 60D package....

.... With a Technicolor Cinestyle update....

.... And a Zeiss ZE prime set for Canon.....

....And a 21mm t2.8.... A 28mm t2.... 35mm t2.... 50mm t2.... 85mm t1.4.... And a Canon 70-200 t2.8 if we could fit it in.... And a Red Rock Cinema Bundle.... Three 32 gig cards.... A 7" Marshall monitor with mount.... A lighting package with two 1.2k Par HMIs, 1 2K open, 1 9 light fay with 2k circuits, a 1K open, one 650w, one 300w, one 4 x 4 Kino (3200 tubes), one 2 x 2 kino (200 tubes), one 1 x 1 Lite Panel Bi-color.... A Dana Dolly Speedrail Slider kit.... And a basic one ton grip truck package.... In addition to the grip package: one 12 x 12 solid, one 6 x 6 light grid, four 4 x 4 floppy solids, two 4 x 4 ultra bounce flops, two 3 x 4 frames (light grid, opal), one 4 x 4 bounce, two hi roller stands (3 riser), one low roller stand, two baby primi stands, four Gobo headsa, two 40" exterior arms, six Cartolini clamps 3", one 4" C-clamp w/spud, one 6" C-clamp w/spud, two 8" C-clamps w/spud, and two 6 foot speedrails....

....oh, and while we're at it, could we hire him a camera assistant, a grip and a gaffer, all with experience? Plus cover their expenses?

(sighs) Moving on.

Starting to panic, we interviewed a friend of our director's. Great eye. Could have been a perfect fit. He looked at the script and our location and said he needed a crew.

We were under a time crunch. So I made an offer: if we gave the DP a budget could the DP hire a crew himself?

He balked.

Why?

He said he doesn't have the time to hire his own crew BECAUSE IT WAS TOO MUCH WORK!!!!

What kind of human being declines money because picking up the phone and hiring a few of his friends was simply too much work????? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????

(counts to ten... slowly)

Now I know what you might be asking yourself. Why did I even want a crew in the first place? Haven't I postulated that the future of indie film making hinges on finding that one-man band? The filmmaker who can do everything himself? So why didn't I search for my one-man band?

Well, I got greedy.

Instead of shooting an atmospheric, moody teaser trailer, I envisioned a more content-driven trailer, capitalizing one key moments from the script. That meant shooting on more than one location, with many setups. It would have been a tight three days, but it could have been done.

Plus I didn't have time to find the one-man band. So I wound up courting DPs who could do the job but at a price.

LESSON: Lack of time + hard shoot date = money disappearing.



ADVENTURES IN CASTING

There were two principal parts: a 16 yr old girl and a hermit-like man, aged seventy. We did the right thing: we got a SAG contract, went on BreakdownServices.com, and put up our breakdowns. We specified links to reels and/or websites. We rented a space in downtown Manhattan and brought our top choices in.

Auditioning the girls was a blast. Such talent in NYC! No matter what we threw them, no matter what we asked, the performers were able to create something fresh and exciting. The girls rolled with it.

The men? Not so much.

Maybe it was because of the huge age difference, maybe it was the nerves, maybe even the material, but many of the older men were un-directable.

Classic example: a man walks in, asks us about his character, background, etc. We tell him. He asks if we needed to hear the character with an accent. We said no, we'd rather hear what he had to bring to us, yada yada.

"Well, I prepared it with an accent, so you're gonna hear it that way."

Um, okay.

Then they started to argue with us. We started to explain what the character was, where he came from, what we wanted, and they started to argue with us. Lots of "That doesn't make sense" and "Whaddya mean?" and "I don't follow."

Some men came very close to what I wanted, but I had to face facts: we were having trouble finding an actor.

While that was happening, the budget was escalating, the shoot date was approaching, and I needed help.

So we "cashed in" a favor and hired a NY casting agent.

We met in coffee shop. Why a coffee shop? Why didn't we meet in her office, located on 80 8TH Ave Ste 303 in Manhattan? Beats me. I guess because she was giving us a discounted "friend" rate, so the informal location was part of that, right?

Before she sat down, she handed me a four page contract outlining her duties, obligations and, of course, salary. Informal. Right?

She said not to worry. We'd have an actor by the end of next week. She'd personally see to it that it got cast.

Monday comes? She pawns us off to her assistant. The names she submitted were names we could have gotten off of IMDB. We called her to give her direction. She told us not to call her because she preferred to communicate via email.

She said we'd have an actor by the end of the week.

I'm still waiting.

LESSON: Never ever meet a casting agent in a coffee house.


ADVENTURES IN MAKEUP

We found a makeup person off of the Philadelphia Craigslist. Very friendly. Very competent. We did makeup tests. Looked great.

Then I realized we hadn't talked money yet.

Since this was becoming a very tight production I thought I'd go low, then go higher to a price I was comfortable.

I made an offer of (blank) dollars/day.

She paused.

She said, "Well, I usually get (blank) for a day rate."

What was my offer? What was her day rate?

Let's just say I was off by a zero.

LESSON: Always talk money first. Even if they're from Craigslist.


WHO NEEDS A PROPMASTER?

We didn't have time to find a propmaster, and since there were only a dozen or so props that needed finding, we did it ourselves.

One of the best pleasures of all this was discovering State Supply Props on 126th Street.

You couldn't swing a dead cat and not find what you're looking for.

In fact, there's a dead cat now!

While you're there, ask for Emily. She's awesome. :)









MEETING OTHER PRODUCERS

I sought another producer to help us with the load. I met one in Philly who was wonderful! Very energetic, excited. Willing to work at a very low base salary. Offered contacts with her team. Great. But....

I couldn't help but notice that her work was not online. All her website had were trailers. I couldn't get a handle on the scope of her work.


So we met for coffee. I asked, Was there a link to her work I could see?

Nope, she shrugged.

Okay. Could I get a DVD of her work?

No. She didn't have any.

"Hmmm. But how can I make a decision -- ?"

"Would a thousand dollars sound all right to you?" she asked.

Beat. "Um, but I have no way to evaluate your -- "

"Because that's what I usually get."

"Um... (long pause)... Let me talk to my producer about this. Are you sure I couldn't get a DVD of your work before I make my decision?"

"Sorry. I just don't have any.. (pause)... So we're okay with the thousand dollars?"

Ah, Philadelphia. You never disappoint.


ALL WAS NOT LOST, BUT...

The budget was getting to a point were I could have bought a RED camera on my own. And for what? For what?? A two minute trailer? Was it worth it? Shouldn't I be thinking bigger? Why was I rushing this trailer into production? And who is this Ed Burns who shot an entire feature film for 9 grand?? And when are we shooting??? In December???? Brrrrr!!!!!

God readied his snowball...

... and I blinked.

The biggest regret is I really wanted to work with the people who we selected. They were going to rock!

But I needed time to re-evaluate what I was doing. I rushed things and it got expensive. And I got burnt. I had never been busier in my whole life, and that includes producing SEX ED. Luckily, I got out of it just in time to save myself from losing any more money....

.... Plus the script need a rewrite. Stat!

But nothing is lost. I hope everyone has a safe winter and I hope we have no conflicts in May.

On the plus side we'll no longer need a box of hand warmers or a heated tent. And who knows, in the time being, I might find a DP, old man, makeup person and producer, all wrapped up in one!

SO YOU WANNA MAKE A TRAILER... IN PHILADELPHIA???? PART ONE: PHILLY = BIG FISH, SMALL POND

So I decided I would lose my mind and attempt to make a trailer for my latest project here in always sunny Philadelphia. I could have made it in Los Angeles utilizing everything that LA has to offer (easy access to talent, equipment, infrastructure) but for some reason LA doesn't look like Pennsylvania Dutch country. And it never looks like winter there.

I'm a Philadelphia native so I thought there was a nice touch of homecoming to produce a low-budget trailer in Philadelphia. I could discover local talent in front of and behind the cameras. Make new friends. Maybe even lay the seeds of a crew I could utilize for the actual production of my project in the spring.

Well, as a former Philly boy, I shoulda known better. Since arriving here, I've gotten nothing but the middle finger from everybody I've encountered, starting with the folks who label themselves talent scouts.

I ran down the list of talent scouts and managers at the Philadelphia Film Office site (www.film.org). It seemed no matter how much money I was willing to put on the table, I couldn't get anybody to email me back. Those who did email me were polite enough to lead me in the right direction, but weren't interested in being hired. Now, I wasn't offering what THIS GUY wanted as a rate, but I was offering cash. Greenbacks. Dinero. Moolah. Benjamins. You know, a job. I was left with the lesson that if my last name wasn't Sony, no local scout would get out of bed for me.

(I don't expect anyone to snap to at my command. But complete indifference?)

CHORUS: Woe to the indie filmmaker who wants to hire in Philadelphia.

Okay, so maybe there's a production company in Philly, chock full of talent and experience to help grease the process of making a trailer. The awful fact about making a two-to-three minute trailer (a short promotional piece to help finance your film) is that it's as much production work as making a real entire film. If you're going to make it look professional, you need professionals!

So I ran down the list of production companies on the Philadelphia Film Office site... again. Some responded. The most talented (to my eye) did not. Some said it was because of the money (there wasn't enough of it). That's fair. Could they recommend anyone less established who might be hungry enough to take this opportunity? No response. I even contacted a female filmmaker who was recently elected to a board to promote female filmmaker opportunities in Philadelphia... and I got blown off!!! Here I am trying to GIVE opportunity TO female filmmakers! And I don't even get a response??!! After three emails???? What a @#$&!!!!

CHORUS: Woe to the indie filmmaker who wants to hire in Philadelphia.

Okay. So how about some production insurance? Surely I'll get some respect there. After all, insurance companies like money, don't they? So I went on Film.org AGAIN. There were two companies listed. I tried the phone number. I got their fax machine. I tried it three times making sure I didn't dial it wrong.

I didn't.

CHORUS: Woe to the indie filmmaker who wants to hire in Philadelphia.

Well, pardon me all over the place, Philly. I didn't realize you was the new Vancouver! Good for you!! (And by "good for you" I mean "rot in hell")

Luckily I hooked up with a NYC friend from the past who has just developed into a fine film director. We've been knocking our heads against Philadelphia together, and thanks to the help of dear friends, we've made progress. Through a series of fortunate coincidences and divine interventions, we've been able to obtain a prime location, incredible actors, and generous support all OUTSIDE THE FILM INDUSTRY OF PHILADELPHIA. It's been amazing to behold. We're planning on a December shoot in Montgomery County.

Now, as any Easterner will tell you, shooting a film in December is inviting God to come and throw a bunch of snow at you.

Well, God I can handle...

...The Philly film community? Not so much.

FOLKS, I'M IN THE WRONG MOTHERF*@%&NG BUSINESS

This is a deal memo from a location manager/scout listed in the Philadelphia area.

This is from his website.

$2500 per week.

$550 per day.

$770 for Saturdays (and holidays).

Cell phone reimbursement expenses (I wonder what kind of plan he has).

This memo is meant to begin the conversation.

The up side: no charge for sleeping hours.

Shakespeare got it wrong. He never met a location scout.

LOOKING FOR THE FAT GIRL IN OHIO

Okay, so I finished my horror script for the third time - and I plan on finishing it a fourth, for good luck. Budget in mind? Check. Money in pocket? Some. Strategy in place? You betcha. So now I'm onto the crucial stage - attaching the elements.

I decided to dip my toe in the Mandy.com directing pool to see who's out there. I got lucky once through Craigslist.org, so I thought maybe lightning would strike twice. Who knows. Maybe I'd discover that fat girl in Ohio Francis Coppola was talking about.

Well, one thing that hasn't changed from 2008 - women are still the minority. Out of the nearly 200 director resumes, only 2 were women. (I also got resumes from 3 composers, 2 makeup artists and one production assistant. Totally unsolicited. Doesn't anyone read? Oh wait, yeah, no one does...hey, we all gotta eat...)

I really wanted to see if there were any burgeoning one-man bands - a director who can operate a camera. As I wrote in my Manifesto, I strongly believe the future belongs to the Soderberghs and Gareth Edwards - directors who are their own cinematographers and, in essence, one-man filmmaking machines.

Well guess what? There aren't any. So it's back to square one. (To be fair, I did get one or two. Did I email them? What do you think?)

I would hate to be a director and have to present a reel. I mean, what do you put on it? And in what order? Do you start with your fantabulous cinematic shot that you spent a personal fortune on or do you put your best work with actors in the front? And how can you convey a sense of your ability, your style and your vision in a three-minute montage anyway?

And who am I anyway to judge?

I genuinely admire any freelancer who has the courage and gumption to realize their dreams - believe me, I know how hard it is for anything to get produced - but when I have 200 links to websites (some of the links did not work!) and 200 reels to press play on, I suddenly had to play the role of asshole producer.

Out of time and from a personal aesthetics point of view, I had to made very quick judgments at the reels I saw:

A scene that relied solely on camera sound? Out.

Unappealing actors and acting? Delete.

Yet another rap video? Nope.

Too many titles in the front of the reel (Anonymous Freelance Company presents... an Anonymous Directing Reel... )? Forget it.

I felt bad but... let's get to it, people. While this is not directed at any particular person, I thought I'd share some of the things I noticed and reacted to (and against):


Seen one RED Camera, seen 'em all

Just because the RED is available, doesn't mean you're an instant filmmaker. For the same reason just because you buy a violin doesn't mean you're entitled to play the Violin Concerto in D Minor.

HD is great and all and it's the norm, but seeing one crisp flat image after another gets boring. The RED makes everything in focus, and, paradoxically, it flattens everything out. So unless you start to use it properly - which means using it cinematically - your film looks plain and average.

I guess some filmmakers think half their job is done with a credit card purchase of a RED One or Canon 5. I'm no cinematographer but come on, change the lenses once in a while! Don't just rely on the lens that came in the box. And while we're at it...


Move the goddamn camera

I mean, really... Just because you have limited means doesn't mean you have to rely on the ol' television standard of master, closeup, over the shoulder, over the shoulder, two shot... unless of course you want it to look like a 70's sitcom. I was so relieved to see a short where a director actually, gulp, moved the camera. It was like a cold glass of water on a hot day... I was ecstatic!


Composition

What on earth are they teaching the young 'uns nowadays? Even if you're a webseries, it doesn't mean you have to look like a webseries. Maybe I grew up watching too much Scorsese, Hitchcock, Spielberg and De Palma, but I know when a director just isn't trying hard enough to tell a story with a camera. He's just pointing and shooting. (And don't give me that "we couldn't afford a dolly" routine. I know a neighbor who built his own dolly out of plastic pipes and rollerskate wheels. It's light and it's portable and it works great.)

Camera composition is filmmaking, kids. If you don't know how to place the actor or camera in exactly the right spot, then you're not a director. If you've never attended an art class or have an appreciation of perspective and staging, you're not a director.

You're a wedding photographer. Really. Think about it. You are.

I really don't care what your budget is, you should have to make each shot count. Directing is supposed to be an art... But maybe times have changed.


Inserts

What the fuck happened to inserts? Did a group of film school professors band together and decide that from hence forth there shalt not be any more inserts?

I'm telling you, you need them. It breaks up your super-boring two shot, closeup closeup, over the shoulder, etc. As an editor, I know how important they are. And while I'm ranting...


IF I EVER SEE ANOTHER SHORT THAT'S ABOUT TWO PEOPLE SITTING I'M GOING TO THROW UP.

Gee, when I grow up, I want to be a film director and join the ranks of Hitchcock, Bergman, Welles, Scorsese and Spielberg so I can film a two shot of people sitting and talking!!!!

Look, that's fine for television which are really filmed radio plays. But come on...!!!


Casting

I don't expect stars in anyone's reel but I do expect some common sense when it comes to casting. If I'm watching a schlubby pimply-faced actor with no makeup (actors in movies wear makeup for a reason, kids), then that person's performance better be amazing. And usually, it's not. I mean, really, why go the bother and expense of a film shoot and skimp on casting? It's like forgetting to hire a good sound person. It's instant death.

I don't care if you lost a bet with your friends. Cast actors. You know them when you see them. Besides, actors need stuff for their reels too! Ask some! They don't have to be SAG either. I've been moved by community theater productions. (Really. I'm not afraid to admit that.)

As I mentioned in my Manifesto, we go to movies to watch good looking and/or interesting people, not our neighbors. It's all in the eyes. Either they have it or they don't. If I don't like looking at your actors, I won't care how cool your shots are. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to you.


If your best stuff isn't in the first minute, it's not anywhere

Do you really think anyone has the time to watch your reel all the way through? I don't even watch 30 second Youtube clips all the way through. What makes you think somebody important will? Believe me, as a writer, I know people don't read my scripts all the way through.

And, like a lot of script readers who can tell if it's a good script by the first page, people will make snap judgments of your reel from the very first shot.

If it ain't there in the first minute, it sure as hell ain't gonna get better in the last.

So don't expect anyone to watch your three minutes all the way through. They'll skip around your reel. Like I did.


Style

This is the hardest element for anyone to find. How does a director develop a style without imitating someone else's style? Where does he develop it?

Well, it should start from having a personal world view. I mean, isn't that what makes you an individual? I'd like to see that. Why don't I see that?

When I taught screenwriting, I instructed the students to put as much of themselves into their stories no matter what genre they were writing. That's what separates you from hackwork. Why? Because no matter what the story (and stories are a dime a dozen), no one can replicate who you are.

I still firmly believe film making is an art. It must be filled with artists.

But I guess the only thing colleges tell their students nowadays is to practice, practice, practice and one day, you'll get that Syfy Channel gig.


Showmanship

This is the most important factor I look for. Do you have an ability to package a product that amuses more than your friends and neighbors? Is there panache? The joy of storytelling? The ecstasy of presenting a story? That classic "ta-da" is not only what I want - it's what everybody wants.

God, I can't tell you how many reels are just, well... two people sitting.

Zzzzzzzzz.


So what is this asshole looking for?

Look, I'm a pompous ass who thinks he knows everything. I get that. All I want to do is meet someone who wants to change the face of filmmaking. No tall order.

But I know what I like. And like that sage Simon Cowell said, "It may be an opinion. But it's a good opinion."

My script is more thriller than horror. More Polanski than Raimi. It's hard to say who would make an exact fit. All I can do now is find out what I don't want. And go from there.

Come to think of it, Polanski would be a good comp. Tight frames. Unsettling atmosphere. Ability to genuinely shock. Complete command of the frame...

Please welcome my new hire, Mr. Roman Polanski.

Oh wait... Visa problems?... can't work in America?... He did what?... But he has an Oscar... hmrm...












The search continues.

NAME DROPPING AT COMIC CON 2011

WEDNESDAY

I arrive at the Town and Country Resort Hotel to pick up my badge. It takes me an hour and half to find parking and another 3 hours to get my ticket. I spot lots of fat men in black t-shirts and fatter women wearing too tiny backpacks. The smell of b.o. is overwhelmed only by the fresh ink-on-plastic smell of the giant WB bags. I couldn't be happier.

Dinner: Vela at the Hilton Bayfront. No celebrities spotted.

Later that night the great fantasy author George R. R. Martin , Mr. Game of Thrones himself, is having drinks in the lobby of the Marriott. I'm carrying A Storm of Swords in my backpack. I do not get it signed.







THURSDAY

The first thing I do is spend 3 1/2 hours buying tickets for next year's Comic Con. I'm not kidding.

I attend the "Putting Epic in Epic Fantasy" panel, featuring Mr. R. R. Martin along with Brandon Sanderson (The Way of Kings), Kevin J. Anderson (Terra Incognita) and Christopher Paolini (Eragon). Check out the highlights HERE.

The South Park Year of the Fan experience is a highlight. Free sno-cones and t-shirts and dirty-language karaoke.

Dinner at Nobu: it's a celebrity jackpot. I spot Jewel Staite at the bar. I walk past Dominic Monaghan holding court before a round table. He takes a picture and signs for a fan. Alexander Skarsgard entertains friends at the table directly behind me. My sister turns into goo and melts on the floor like a cartoon character. Noah Wyle smokes outside. Lucy Lawless marches through to attend a party in the back room. Mr. Skarsgard soon follows her in, but not before shaking hands with a fan at the bar. He seems very gracious. Skarsgard scores later that evening, if you can believe The Superficial. (photos HERE).













FRIDAY

Mr. Steven Spielberg makes his first appearance at Comic Con. He accepts the comic Con Inkpot Award in front of 6000 people. Later he publicly apologizes for the last Indiana Jones film. Very gracious of him.

Peter Jackson crashes the panel. Both promote THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN.

A fan from the audience becomes the highlight of the panel. You can hardly see it on the photo (left) but his t-shirt reads: "If possible I would love to meet Steven Spielberg just to shake his hand and say thank you very much." Mr. Spielberg spots him, pulls him up onto the stage and shakes his hand. Mr. Jackson takes their picture. Very cool moment.

That same day another artist receives the Comic Con Inkpot Award, albeit in front of a significantly lesser crowd (about 50). I've been a longtime Chester Brown fan (Ed the Happy Clown, Yummy Fur). His stuff is twisted. He reads from his current bestseller, the brutually frank Paying For It.

Spotted in the audience: red-haired screenwriter Jane Goldman (KICK ASS, X-MEN: ORIGINS).

I wait in line an hour, then sit through an American Vampire panel just to see Rifftrax (Michael J. Nelson, Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy) perform live. They take requests for movies to do a Rifftrax track to on their site. After rejecting such craptaculars as MAC & ME and ZARDOZ (they reject ZARDOZ for being too "rapey") they select LOGANS RUN for their next Rifftrax.

Bathroom stop at the Omni Hotel. Spotted in the lobby: the lovely Andy Serkis with his family (or at least I assume it's his family; if not, he's hanging with someone else's family). John Noble (FRINGE)beats me to the bathroom, cursing under his breath ("Jesus Christ") after an autograph hunter momentarily prevents him from taking a giant piss.

Dinner at Donovan's. Michael Emerson (LOST) walks past me, looking extremely dapper in a light colored suit. He's much taller in person.

I stop by the South Park Year of the Fan experience. The South Park movie is showing on an open screen under the stars. Behind the screen, signing autographs: Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

SATURDAY

Waiting in line for Hall H. It's not bad. Only 3 hours.

The svelte Kevin Smith interviews cosplayers in line.

TWIXT panel with the godfather himself Francis Ford Coppola. Not quite as disastrous as reported (see full report HERE).

Coppola announces he will play his movie live before an audience, touring from town to town. Depending on how well the film is playing, he will extend scenes or shorten scenes instantly, like a conductor. Coppola shows us his iPad, loaded with the entire film. He then proceeds to experience major technical difficulties in front of 6,000 people.

At the KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM panel, Peter Dinklage and Summer Glau just about make the cutest couple, dont'cha think? If I had the ability, I would crown them King and Queen of Comic Con.

Sis and I share drinks with the finalists for the SyFy Face Off Live Make Up Challenge at the Soliel @k lounge.

Then we're off to the Nerdist interview with the stars of DOCTOR WHO. It's at the 4th and B Club, which has the warmth and charm of a fraternity house basement. There's a two hour wait to get in. Inside, Chris Hardwick interviews Matt Smith and Karen Gillan for his podcast, which turns out to be pretty frickin' cool. Check out his podcast HERE.

After the podcast, Mr. Smith and Ms. Gillan hand out room temperature TARDIS-themed burritos courtesy of the BBC.

Did I mention they were room-tempertaure?

I down the room-temperature burrito with cupcakes and beer over at the Comic Con Masquerade party. What do you down your burritos with?






















SUNDAY

We spot Michael Emerson at the airport, looking even more dapper in his tailored suit. I chill by poolside with a Spiced Mango Martini. I may smell like a used laundry basket but, fat and happy, at least I got my tickets for next year.

PICK UP THIS BOOK... NOW!

I'm no fan of these writer's movies. They're the kind of movies I quickly change the channel on. In fact, if I see it on my TV screen I leave my own apartment, they're that awful. Come on, Herbie: Fully Loaded? Night at the Museum 2?? Balls of Fury??? Jesus Christ, The Pacifier?????

But the joke's on us. Those movies are successful. Wildly successful. And these guys - Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant - are mega-talented, no doubt (I'm a huge fan of Reno 911 and The State). And they've written a book you should buy. Why? Because they're writers who actually make movies.

That bears repeating.

THEY'RE WRITERS WHO ACTUALLY MAKE MOVIES.

That's right. Robert McKee, Syd Field, Christopher Voegler, Blake Snyder? Nada. (Unless you count the CGI straight to DVD Barbie movies McKee has been "story consultant" on). Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant? Working writers. With a billion dollars they can legitimately claim credit upon.

And yes, they're horrible, horrible movies. Soulless. Paint by numbers. Average. Granted, there's a mild chuckle here and there. But guess what? THEY'RE WORKING WRITERS. They work in the industry, the industry you so desperately want to get inside. And the book is full of priceless (and very funny) information. If only their scripts had such balls!

They're also refreshingly honest in that they do not claim to teach you how to write art house films. If you want to break rules and write personal movies, please go elsewhere (and stay away as far as you can from Robert McKee). They're teaching you how to write for the studios, using their twenty years of hard-won experience. This isn't your speculative information by some failed wannabe. This is the true life experience of what it's actually like.

So throw away your McKees, your Fields, your Writer's Journeys. Give 'em to your neighbor. Or to someone you hate. Stop being a hobbyist. If you're thinking/dreaming of making it big as a working screenwriter, you owe yourself this read. And it's written in a fast, breezy style with LOTS OF CAPITALIZED SENTENCES which means YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ THE WHOLE PAGE, you can just GLANCE AT THE PAGE like YOU'RE DOING NOW. You can easily read the whole book over several trips to bathroom. Or you can read it over several overpriced coffees at Barnes & Noble. Or you can steal it. Just read it. (It even has a complete improvised script outline in the appendix so you can check out the style/format of the kind of movies that are ruining screenwriting)

A few headlines lept out at me while reading it:

1) your spec script will never ever get made, so forget it.
2) each studio has their own unique format style.
3) it's never your script, it's the studio's (or whoever pays you). But it is your script until the moment you turn it in.
4) there's a 99 percent chance you will get fired from every single thing you will ever work on.
5) at meetings you will get notes on your script by people who haven't actually read your script (no one reads in Hollywood).
6) you must incorporate shitty notes in your script without ruining your script (this is the hardest thing to do but you must do it to work in this town).
7) producers mostly suck. Avoid them.
8) if you want to be happy in the biz, be an editor.
9) creating work is your job, not anybody else's.
10) Billy Crystal is a dick.

Back to point 9. In an interview with Collider's Scott Wampler, Thomas Lennon states "the second you wait for someone else’s opinion or somebody’s money or anything... One, it’s not coming. Two, they’re probably going to fuck it up... the ball is always in your court." Read the full interview HERE.

Writers have to learn by doing. Prince Charming is not arriving. Write a sketch. Make a short. Put it online. Work with actors. Get some feedback. And keep writing. That's the only thing you should be doing right now.

NOTES FROM THE INDEPENDENT HORROR SCENE

I attend the Creation Weekend of Horrors. The Independent Filmmakers Panel is a quiet revelation. Four filmmakers - Mike Flanagan, Sean Cain, Dave Reda, and James Ryan Gray - gave us the lay of the land - and it ain’t pretty. Just some notes I took:

Give your first film away. The marketplace is flooded with good-looking indie features. And distribution is in a transitory period. In most cases, you give your first film away in order to create a brand for yourself. And by branding yourself, that means getting press and building a fan base.

Does the cream rise to the top? Everyone said yes - except Sean Cain. He laid it out like this: you make a film for two audiences - your fans and WalMart. You can try to create a brand for yourself and build an audience, either via Facebook or VOD, for no money. Or you can try to sell your movie to WalMart and cater to their tastes and make some money (emphasis on some).

The payday is gone. Distributors are not giving indie guys the big pay days. The market is too flooded. Let’s say you make a feature for $70K. They’ll offer you $50K, minus advertising and other costs. Distributors don’t care how good your film is. They only care if they’re happy. Netflix owns your film if you give it them.

The alternative is to bypass the middleman via VOD or self-distribution to individual theaters - but even then, you’re getting pennies on the dollars (which is why the lower the budget, the quicker you’ll see a return).

Career vs. hobby. Mr. Cain also said it like this: when it comes to the industry, do you want a career or are you a hobbyist?

He gave the example of the Shiny Box: you make a shiny box so it attracts the magpies (distributors). But inside the box, you've made something for yourself. You have the best of both worlds.

Most of us on the outside looking in would say we’re hobbyists.

Why bother? The John Carpenter panel was even more interesting. The moderator ran down his resume, asking him to reminisce about his impressive body of work. Midway through his the panel, Mr. Carpenter cut him off and said: "Can we cut to the end. I want to answer audience questions. I don't want to go through my resume because all my answers are going to be the same: I worked very hard on it, it came out, it flopped."

All of his films, when they were released, were panned. Few were hits. Most are now revered. How does that make him feel? "When my films came out they were hated. Now they're loved. Love is better than hate."

When asked what he looks for in horror scripts, he says “Nothing. There are no rules. Tell a good story.”

Sequels to hit movies have to crowd source now. At the Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon reunion panel, Scott Glosserman, the director, explained how he's scrambling to make a sequel. Via Dread Central:

"We're trying to get all the elements together," says Glosserman. "We're even trying to crowd fund in part. We might enlist the Hatchet Army. We've talked to the Alamo Drafthouse, and we're talking to people like Dread Central. The idea is to maybe pre-sell DVDs on the website to raise money to be able to go see distributors and get a co-financier or pre-sell some territories."

And this for an established film with a preexisting audience! - albeit, a cult audience.

I assume they're asking for a cool mil. There’s no money out there for them, so they announced they’ll soon be starting a Kickstarter campaign (their Facebook is HERE).

So what have we learned, class? Well, first of all, you must never make fun of WalMart ever again. Everybody and their grandmother is making a movie nowadays. The lower your budget, the quicker you'll see a return. And by low, I mean really low. In a few years time, I believe, one can make a feature for under $100K. Even less. With the right gimmick, it can be done.

I still believe you need stars attached. You still need names. When was the last time you paid money for a movie that had complete unknowns? What was the last DVD rental you saw that had no faces you recognized? Stars are the faces of your movie. You need them. But the good news is they need you.

Should you make your movie? Mr. Carpenter, of all people, said yes. "You have no reason not to make your film. It's your generation. Take the reins and go."