Not Another Screenwriting Blog!

SO YOU WANNA MAKE A TRAILER... IN PHILADELPHIA???? HAAAAAHAHAAAHA!! PART TWO: PAYING FOR IT

2012-01-23T18:45:00.000-08:00

Doing a trailer involves as much work as making a complete film. It's also the same work as doing a short. It may not be as expensive as making a completed film, but it involves the same amount of work. So it becomes an evaluation game: is your time worth a teaser, a short or a completed film?

We were due to film between the holidays. Scheduling became a nightmare. I was making phone calls and emails to strangers, negotiating salaries to people I hadn't even met (always dangerous). The budget kept rising. Why? Because when you're faced with a hard shooting date, you start to throw money at your problems.

In the end, I decided to pull the plug on making a trailer. The work outweighed the reward.

Plus, it was getting to be too darn cold.

So, having dipped my toe in the indie world on the East Coast, I thought I'd share some lessons and stories I picked up along the way....

ADVENTURES WITH DIRECTORS OF PHOTOGRAPHY

As I may have mentioned before, there appears to be a complete and utter dearth of talent in Philadelphia. So we were forced to consider DPs from New York.

We talked with some very talented DPs from NYC who were willing to work on our project for either free for little or no money, provided we rented them a camera.

Read that last sentence again.

Yep. You read that right.

I was actually talking with DPs WHO DON'T OWN CAMERAS.

Think about it.

It's like considering hiring a driver who doesn't have a car. Or a writer who doesn't have a computer. Or a landscaper who doesn't even own his own LEAF BLOWER!!!

(sighs) Moving on.

One DP we talked to was from Los Angeles, who offered to come down and work for free! Sure, we had to fly him out and put him up, but man, was he talented!

In addition to flying him out we also had to rent some equipment.

Oh, nothing big. Just a Canon 60D package....

.... With a Technicolor Cinestyle update....

.... And a Zeiss ZE prime set for Canon.....

....And a 21mm t2.8.... A 28mm t2.... 35mm t2.... 50mm t2.... 85mm t1.4.... And a Canon 70-200 t2.8 if we could fit it in.... And a Red Rock Cinema Bundle.... Three 32 gig cards.... A 7" Marshall monitor with mount.... A lighting package with two 1.2k Par HMIs, 1 2K open, 1 9 light fay with 2k circuits, a 1K open, one 650w, one 300w, one 4 x 4 Kino (3200 tubes), one 2 x 2 kino (200 tubes), one 1 x 1 Lite Panel Bi-color.... A Dana Dolly Speedrail Slider kit.... And a basic one ton grip truck package.... In addition to the grip package: one 12 x 12 solid, one 6 x 6 light grid, four 4 x 4 floppy solids, two 4 x 4 ultra bounce flops, two 3 x 4 frames (light grid, opal), one 4 x 4 bounce, two hi roller stands (3 riser), one low roller stand, two baby primi stands, four Gobo headsa, two 40" exterior arms, six Cartolini clamps 3", one 4" C-clamp w/spud, one 6" C-clamp w/spud, two 8" C-clamps w/spud, and two 6 foot speedrails....

....oh, and while we're at it, could we hire him a camera assistant, a grip and a gaffer, all with experience? Plus cover their expenses?

(sighs) Moving on.

Starting to panic, we interviewed a friend of our director's. Great eye. Could have been a perfect fit. He looked at the script and our location and said he needed a crew.

We were under a time crunch. So I made an offer: if we gave the DP a budget could the DP hire a crew himself?

He balked.

Why?

He said he doesn't have the time to hire his own crew BECAUSE IT WAS TOO MUCH WORK!!!!

What kind of human being declines money because picking up the phone and hiring a few of his friends was simply too much work????? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????

(counts to ten... slowly)

Now I know what you might be asking yourself. Why did I even want a crew in the first place? Haven't I postulated that the future of indie film making hinges on finding that one-man band? The filmmaker who can do everything himself? So why didn't I search for my one-man band?

Well, I got greedy.

Instead of shooting an atmospheric, moody teaser trailer, I envisioned a more content-driven trailer, capitalizing one key moments from the script. That meant shooting on more than one location, with many setups. It would have been a tight three days, but it could have been done.

Plus I didn't have time to find the one-man band. So I wound up courting DPs who could do the job but at a price.

LESSON: Lack of time + hard shoot date = money disappearing.

ADVENTURES IN CASTING

There were two principal parts: a 16 yr old girl and a hermit-like man, aged seventy. We did the right thing: we got a SAG contract, went on BreakdownServices.com, and put up our breakdowns. We specified links to reels and/or websites. We rented a space in downtown Manhattan and brought our top choices in.

Auditioning the girls was a blast. Such talent in NYC! No matter what we threw them, no matter what we asked, the performers were able to create something fresh and exciting. The girls rolled with it.

The men? Not so much.

Maybe it was because of the huge age difference, maybe it was the nerves, maybe even the material, but many of the older men were un-directable.

Classic example: a man walks in, asks us about his character, background, etc. We tell him. He asks if we needed to hear the character with an accent. We said no, we'd rather hear what he had to bring to us, yada yada.

"Well, I prepared it with an accent, so you're gonna hear it that way."

Um, okay.

Then they started to argue with us. We started to explain what the character was, where he came from, what we wanted, and they started to argue with us. Lots of "That doesn't make sense" and "Whaddya mean?" and "I don't follow."

Some men came very close to what I wanted, but I had to face facts: we were having trouble finding an actor.

While that was happening, the budget was escalating, the shoot date was approaching, and I needed help.

So we "cashed in" a favor and hired a NY casting agent.

We met in coffee shop. Why a coffee shop? Why didn't we meet in her office, located on 80 8TH Ave Ste 303 in Manhattan? Beats me. I guess because she was giving us a discounted "friend" rate, so the informal location was part of that, right?

Before she sat down, she handed me a four page contract outlining her duties, obligations and, of course, salary. Informal. Right?

She said not to worry. We'd have an actor by the end of next week. She'd personally see to it that it got cast.

Monday comes? She pawns us off to her assistant. The names she submitted were names we could have gotten off of IMDB. We called her to give her direction. She told us not to call her because she preferred to communicate via email.

She said we'd have an actor by the end of the week.

I'm still waiting.

LESSON: Never ever meet a casting agent in a coffee house.

ADVENTURES IN MAKEUP

We found a makeup person off of the Philadelphia Craigslist. Very friendly. Very competent. We did makeup tests. Looked great.

Then I realized we hadn't talked money yet.

Since this was becoming a very tight production I thought I'd go low, then go higher to a price I was comfortable.

I made an offer of (blank) dollars/day.

She paused.

She said, "Well, I usually get (blank) for a day rate."

What was my offer? What was her day rate?

Let's just say I was off by a zero.

LESSON: Always talk money first. Even if they're from Craigslist.

WHO NEEDS A PROPMASTER?

We didn't have time to find a propmaster, and since there were only a dozen or so props that needed finding, we did it ourselves.

One of the best pleasures of all this was discovering State Supply Props on 126th Street.

You couldn't swing a dead cat and not find what you're looking for.

In fact, there's a dead cat now!

While you're there, ask for Emily. She's awesome. :)

MEETING OTHER PRODUCERS

I sought another producer to help us with the load. I met one in Philly who was wonderful! Very energetic, excited. Willing to work at a very low base salary. Offered contacts with her team. Great. But....

I couldn't help but notice that her work was not online. All her website had were trailers. I couldn't get a handle on the scope of her work.

So we met for coffee. I asked, Was there a link to her work I could see?

Nope, she shrugged.

Okay. Could I get a DVD of her work?

No. She didn't have any.

"Hmmm. But how can I make a decision -- ?"

"Would a thousand dollars sound all right to you?" she asked.

Beat. "Um, but I have no way to evaluate your -- "

"Because that's what I usually get."

"Um... (long pause)... Let me talk to my producer about this. Are you sure I couldn't get a DVD of your work before I make my decision?"

"Sorry. I just don't have any.. (pause)... So we're okay with the thousand dollars?"

Ah, Philadelphia. You never disappoint.

ALL WAS NOT LOST, BUT...

The budget was getting to a point were I could have bought a RED camera on my own. And for what? For what?? A two minute trailer? Was it worth it? Shouldn't I be thinking bigger? Why was I rushing this trailer into production? And who is this Ed Burns who shot an entire feature film for 9 grand?? And when are we shooting??? In December???? Brrrrr!!!!!

God readied his snowball...

... and I blinked.

The biggest regret is I really wanted to work with the people who we selected. They were going to rock!

But I needed time to re-evaluate what I was doing. I rushed things and it got expensive. And I got burnt. I had never been busier in my whole life, and that includes producing SEX ED. Luckily, I got out of it just in time to save myself from losing any more money....

.... Plus the script need a rewrite. Stat!

But nothing is lost. I hope everyone has a safe winter and I hope we have no conflicts in May.

On the plus side we'll no longer need a box of hand warmers or a heated tent. And who knows, in the time being, I might find a DP, old man, makeup person and producer, all wrapped up in one!

SO YOU WANNA MAKE A TRAILER... IN PHILADELPHIA???? PART ONE: PHILLY = BIG FISH, SMALL POND

2011-11-04T17:06:00.000-07:00

So I decided I would lose my mind and attempt to make a trailer for my latest project here in always sunny Philadelphia. I could have made it in Los Angeles utilizing everything that LA has to offer (easy access to talent, equipment, infrastructure) but for some reason LA doesn't look like Pennsylvania Dutch country. And it never looks like winter there.

I'm a Philadelphia native so I thought there was a nice touch of homecoming to produce a low-budget trailer in Philadelphia. I could discover local talent in front of and behind the cameras. Make new friends. Maybe even lay the seeds of a crew I could utilize for the actual production of my project in the spring.

Well, as a former Philly boy, I shoulda known better. Since arriving here, I've gotten nothing but the middle finger from everybody I've encountered, starting with the folks who label themselves talent scouts.

I ran down the list of talent scouts and managers at the Philadelphia Film Office site (www.film.org). It seemed no matter how much money I was willing to put on the table, I couldn't get anybody to email me back. Those who did email me were polite enough to lead me in the right direction, but weren't interested in being hired. Now, I wasn't offering what THIS GUY wanted as a rate, but I was offering cash. Greenbacks. Dinero. Moolah. Benjamins. You know, a job. I was left with the lesson that if my last name wasn't Sony, no local scout would get out of bed for me.

(I don't expect anyone to snap to at my command. But complete indifference?)

CHORUS: Woe to the indie filmmaker who wants to hire in Philadelphia.

Okay, so maybe there's a production company in Philly, chock full of talent and experience to help grease the process of making a trailer. The awful fact about making a two-to-three minute trailer (a short promotional piece to help finance your film) is that it's as much production work as making a real entire film. If you're going to make it look professional, you need professionals!

So I ran down the list of production companies on the Philadelphia Film Office site... again. Some responded. The most talented (to my eye) did not. Some said it was because of the money (there wasn't enough of it). That's fair. Could they recommend anyone less established who might be hungry enough to take this opportunity? No response. I even contacted a female filmmaker who was recently elected to a board to promote female filmmaker opportunities in Philadelphia... and I got blown off!!! Here I am trying to GIVE opportunity TO female filmmakers! And I don't even get a response??!! After three emails???? What a @#$&!!!!

CHORUS: Woe to the indie filmmaker who wants to hire in Philadelphia.

Okay. So how about some production insurance? Surely I'll get some respect there. After all, insurance companies like money, don't they? So I went on Film.org AGAIN. There were two companies listed. I tried the phone number. I got their fax machine. I tried it three times making sure I didn't dial it wrong.

I didn't.

CHORUS: Woe to the indie filmmaker who wants to hire in Philadelphia.

Well, pardon me all over the place, Philly. I didn't realize you was the new Vancouver! Good for you!! (And by "good for you" I mean "rot in hell")

Luckily I hooked up with a NYC friend from the past who has just developed into a fine film director. We've been knocking our heads against Philadelphia together, and thanks to the help of dear friends, we've made progress. Through a series of fortunate coincidences and divine interventions, we've been able to obtain a prime location, incredible actors, and generous support all OUTSIDE THE FILM INDUSTRY OF PHILADELPHIA. It's been amazing to behold. We're planning on a December shoot in Montgomery County.

Now, as any Easterner will tell you, shooting a film in December is inviting God to come and throw a bunch of snow at you.

Well, God I can handle...

...The Philly film community? Not so much.

FOLKS, I'M IN THE WRONG MOTHERF*@%&NG BUSINESS

2011-09-21T19:21:00.000-07:00

This is a deal memo from a location manager/scout listed in the Philadelphia area.

This is from his website.

$2500 per week.

$550 per day.

$770 for Saturdays (and holidays).

Cell phone reimbursement expenses (I wonder what kind of plan he has).

This memo is meant to begin the conversation.

The up side: no charge for sleeping hours.

Shakespeare got it wrong. He never met a location scout.

LOOKING FOR THE FAT GIRL IN OHIO

2011-09-17T13:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I finished my horror script for the third time - and I plan on finishing it a fourth, for good luck. Budget in mind? Check. Money in pocket? Some. Strategy in place? You betcha. So now I'm onto the crucial stage - attaching the elements.

I decided to dip my toe in the Mandy.com directing pool to see who's out there. I got lucky once through Craigslist.org, so I thought maybe lightning would strike twice. Who knows. Maybe I'd discover that fat girl in Ohio Francis Coppola was talking about.

Well, one thing that hasn't changed from 2008 - women are still the minority. Out of the nearly 200 director resumes, only 2 were women. (I also got resumes from 3 composers, 2 makeup artists and one production assistant. Totally unsolicited. Doesn't anyone read? Oh wait, yeah, no one does...hey, we all gotta eat...)

I really wanted to see if there were any burgeoning one-man bands - a director who can operate a camera. As I wrote in my Manifesto, I strongly believe the future belongs to the Soderberghs and Gareth Edwards - directors who are their own cinematographers and, in essence, one-man filmmaking machines.

Well guess what? There aren't any. So it's back to square one. (To be fair, I did get one or two. Did I email them? What do you think?)

I would hate to be a director and have to present a reel. I mean, what do you put on it? And in what order? Do you start with your fantabulous cinematic shot that you spent a personal fortune on or do you put your best work with actors in the front? And how can you convey a sense of your ability, your style and your vision in a three-minute montage anyway?

And who am I anyway to judge?

I genuinely admire any freelancer who has the courage and gumption to realize their dreams - believe me, I know how hard it is for anything to get produced - but when I have 200 links to websites (some of the links did not work!) and 200 reels to press play on, I suddenly had to play the role of asshole producer.

Out of time and from a personal aesthetics point of view, I had to made very quick judgments at the reels I saw:

A scene that relied solely on camera sound? Out.

Unappealing actors and acting? Delete.

Yet another rap video? Nope.

Too many titles in the front of the reel (Anonymous Freelance Company presents... an Anonymous Directing Reel... )? Forget it.

I felt bad but... let's get to it, people. While this is not directed at any particular person, I thought I'd share some of the things I noticed and reacted to (and against):

Seen one RED Camera, seen 'em all

Just because the RED is available, doesn't mean you're an instant filmmaker. For the same reason just because you buy a violin doesn't mean you're entitled to play the Violin Concerto in D Minor.

HD is great and all and it's the norm, but seeing one crisp flat image after another gets boring. The RED makes everything in focus, and, paradoxically, it flattens everything out. So unless you start to use it properly - which means using it cinematically - your film looks plain and average.

I guess some filmmakers think half their job is done with a credit card purchase of a RED One or Canon 5. I'm no cinematographer but come on, change the lenses once in a while! Don't just rely on the lens that came in the box. And while we're at it...

Move the goddamn camera

I mean, really... Just because you have limited means doesn't mean you have to rely on the ol' television standard of master, closeup, over the shoulder, over the shoulder, two shot... unless of course you want it to look like a 70's sitcom. I was so relieved to see a short where a director actually, gulp, moved the camera. It was like a cold glass of water on a hot day... I was ecstatic!

Composition

What on earth are they teaching the young 'uns nowadays? Even if you're a webseries, it doesn't mean you have to look like a webseries. Maybe I grew up watching too much Scorsese, Hitchcock, Spielberg and De Palma, but I know when a director just isn't trying hard enough to tell a story with a camera. He's just pointing and shooting. (And don't give me that "we couldn't afford a dolly" routine. I know a neighbor who built his own dolly out of plastic pipes and rollerskate wheels. It's light and it's portable and it works great.)

Camera composition is filmmaking, kids. If you don't know how to place the actor or camera in exactly the right spot, then you're not a director. If you've never attended an art class or have an appreciation of perspective and staging, you're not a director.

You're a wedding photographer. Really. Think about it. You are.

I really don't care what your budget is, you should have to make each shot count. Directing is supposed to be an art... But maybe times have changed.

Inserts

What the fuck happened to inserts? Did a group of film school professors band together and decide that from hence forth there shalt not be any more inserts?

I'm telling you, you need them. It breaks up your super-boring two shot, closeup closeup, over the shoulder, etc. As an editor, I know how important they are. And while I'm ranting...

IF I EVER SEE ANOTHER SHORT THAT'S ABOUT TWO PEOPLE SITTING I'M GOING TO THROW UP.

Gee, when I grow up, I want to be a film director and join the ranks of Hitchcock, Bergman, Welles, Scorsese and Spielberg so I can film a two shot of people sitting and talking!!!!

Look, that's fine for television which are really filmed radio plays. But come on...!!!

Casting

I don't expect stars in anyone's reel but I do expect some common sense when it comes to casting. If I'm watching a schlubby pimply-faced actor with no makeup (actors in movies wear makeup for a reason, kids), then that person's performance better be amazing. And usually, it's not. I mean, really, why go the bother and expense of a film shoot and skimp on casting? It's like forgetting to hire a good sound person. It's instant death.

I don't care if you lost a bet with your friends. Cast actors. You know them when you see them. Besides, actors need stuff for their reels too! Ask some! They don't have to be SAG either. I've been moved by community theater productions. (Really. I'm not afraid to admit that.)

As I mentioned in my Manifesto, we go to movies to watch good looking and/or interesting people, not our neighbors. It's all in the eyes. Either they have it or they don't. If I don't like looking at your actors, I won't care how cool your shots are. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to you.

If your best stuff isn't in the first minute, it's not anywhere

Do you really think anyone has the time to watch your reel all the way through? I don't even watch 30 second Youtube clips all the way through. What makes you think somebody important will? Believe me, as a writer, I know people don't read my scripts all the way through.

And, like a lot of script readers who can tell if it's a good script by the first page, people will make snap judgments of your reel from the very first shot.

If it ain't there in the first minute, it sure as hell ain't gonna get better in the last.

So don't expect anyone to watch your three minutes all the way through. They'll skip around your reel. Like I did.

Style

This is the hardest element for anyone to find. How does a director develop a style without imitating someone else's style? Where does he develop it?

Well, it should start from having a personal world view. I mean, isn't that what makes you an individual? I'd like to see that. Why don't I see that?

When I taught screenwriting, I instructed the students to put as much of themselves into their stories no matter what genre they were writing. That's what separates you from hackwork. Why? Because no matter what the story (and stories are a dime a dozen), no one can replicate who you are.

I still firmly believe film making is an art. It must be filled with artists.

But I guess the only thing colleges tell their students nowadays is to practice, practice, practice and one day, you'll get that Syfy Channel gig.

Showmanship

This is the most important factor I look for. Do you have an ability to package a product that amuses more than your friends and neighbors? Is there panache? The joy of storytelling? The ecstasy of presenting a story? That classic "ta-da" is not only what I want - it's what everybody wants.

God, I can't tell you how many reels are just, well... two people sitting.

Zzzzzzzzz.

So what is this asshole looking for?

Look, I'm a pompous ass who thinks he knows everything. I get that. All I want to do is meet someone who wants to change the face of filmmaking. No tall order.

But I know what I like. And like that sage Simon Cowell said, "It may be an opinion. But it's a good opinion."

My script is more thriller than horror. More Polanski than Raimi. It's hard to say who would make an exact fit. All I can do now is find out what I don't want. And go from there.

Come to think of it, Polanski would be a good comp. Tight frames. Unsettling atmosphere. Ability to genuinely shock. Complete command of the frame...

Please welcome my new hire, Mr. Roman Polanski.

Oh wait... Visa problems?... can't work in America?... He did what?... But he has an Oscar... hmrm...

The search continues.

NAME DROPPING AT COMIC CON 2011

2011-09-06T21:45:00.000-07:00

WEDNESDAY

I arrive at the Town and Country Resort Hotel to pick up my badge. It takes me an hour and half to find parking and another 3 hours to get my ticket. I spot lots of fat men in black t-shirts and fatter women wearing too tiny backpacks. The smell of b.o. is overwhelmed only by the fresh ink-on-plastic smell of the giant WB bags. I couldn't be happier.

Dinner: Vela at the Hilton Bayfront. No celebrities spotted.

Later that night the great fantasy author George R. R. Martin , Mr. Game of Thrones himself, is having drinks in the lobby of the Marriott. I'm carrying A Storm of Swords in my backpack. I do not get it signed.

THURSDAY

The first thing I do is spend 3 1/2 hours buying tickets for next year's Comic Con. I'm not kidding.

I attend the "Putting Epic in Epic Fantasy" panel, featuring Mr. R. R. Martin along with Brandon Sanderson (The Way of Kings), Kevin J. Anderson (Terra Incognita) and Christopher Paolini (Eragon). Check out the highlights HERE.

The South Park Year of the Fan experience is a highlight. Free sno-cones and t-shirts and dirty-language karaoke.

Dinner at Nobu: it's a celebrity jackpot. I spot Jewel Staite at the bar. I walk past Dominic Monaghan holding court before a round table. He takes a picture and signs for a fan. Alexander Skarsgard entertains friends at the table directly behind me. My sister turns into goo and melts on the floor like a cartoon character. Noah Wyle smokes outside. Lucy Lawless marches through to attend a party in the back room. Mr. Skarsgard soon follows her in, but not before shaking hands with a fan at the bar. He seems very gracious. Skarsgard scores later that evening, if you can believe The Superficial. (photos HERE).

FRIDAY

Mr. Steven Spielberg makes his first appearance at Comic Con. He accepts the comic Con Inkpot Award in front of 6000 people. Later he publicly apologizes for the last Indiana Jones film. Very gracious of him.

Peter Jackson crashes the panel. Both promote THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN.

A fan from the audience becomes the highlight of the panel. You can hardly see it on the photo (left) but his t-shirt reads: "If possible I would love to meet Steven Spielberg just to shake his hand and say thank you very much." Mr. Spielberg spots him, pulls him up onto the stage and shakes his hand. Mr. Jackson takes their picture. Very cool moment.

That same day another artist receives the Comic Con Inkpot Award, albeit in front of a significantly lesser crowd (about 50). I've been a longtime Chester Brown fan (Ed the Happy Clown, Yummy Fur). His stuff is twisted. He reads from his current bestseller, the brutually frank Paying For It.

Spotted in the audience: red-haired screenwriter Jane Goldman (KICK ASS, X-MEN: ORIGINS).

I wait in line an hour, then sit through an American Vampire panel just to see Rifftrax (Michael J. Nelson, Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy) perform live. They take requests for movies to do a Rifftrax track to on their site. After rejecting such craptaculars as MAC & ME and ZARDOZ (they reject ZARDOZ for being too "rapey") they select LOGANS RUN for their next Rifftrax.

Bathroom stop at the Omni Hotel. Spotted in the lobby: the lovely Andy Serkis with his family (or at least I assume it's his family; if not, he's hanging with someone else's family). John Noble (FRINGE)beats me to the bathroom, cursing under his breath ("Jesus Christ") after an autograph hunter momentarily prevents him from taking a giant piss.

Dinner at Donovan's. Michael Emerson (LOST) walks past me, looking extremely dapper in a light colored suit. He's much taller in person.

I stop by the South Park Year of the Fan experience. The South Park movie is showing on an open screen under the stars. Behind the screen, signing autographs: Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

SATURDAY

Waiting in line for Hall H. It's not bad. Only 3 hours.

The svelte Kevin Smith interviews cosplayers in line.

TWIXT panel with the godfather himself Francis Ford Coppola. Not quite as disastrous as reported (see full report HERE).

Coppola announces he will play his movie live before an audience, touring from town to town. Depending on how well the film is playing, he will extend scenes or shorten scenes instantly, like a conductor. Coppola shows us his iPad, loaded with the entire film. He then proceeds to experience major technical difficulties in front of 6,000 people.

At the KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM panel, Peter Dinklage and Summer Glau just about make the cutest couple, dont'cha think? If I had the ability, I would crown them King and Queen of Comic Con.

Sis and I share drinks with the finalists for the SyFy Face Off Live Make Up Challenge at the Soliel @k lounge.

Then we're off to the Nerdist interview with the stars of DOCTOR WHO. It's at the 4th and B Club, which has the warmth and charm of a fraternity house basement. There's a two hour wait to get in. Inside, Chris Hardwick interviews Matt Smith and Karen Gillan for his podcast, which turns out to be pretty frickin' cool. Check out his podcast HERE.

After the podcast, Mr. Smith and Ms. Gillan hand out room temperature TARDIS-themed burritos courtesy of the BBC.

Did I mention they were room-tempertaure?

I down the room-temperature burrito with cupcakes and beer over at the Comic Con Masquerade party. What do you down your burritos with?

SUNDAY

We spot Michael Emerson at the airport, looking even more dapper in his tailored suit. I chill by poolside with a Spiced Mango Martini. I may smell like a used laundry basket but, fat and happy, at least I got my tickets for next year.

PICK UP THIS BOOK... NOW!

2011-07-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

I'm no fan of these writer's movies. They're the kind of movies I quickly change the channel on. In fact, if I see it on my TV screen I leave my own apartment, they're that awful. Come on, Herbie: Fully Loaded? Night at the Museum 2?? Balls of Fury??? Jesus Christ, The Pacifier?????

But the joke's on us. Those movies are successful. Wildly successful. And these guys - Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant - are mega-talented, no doubt (I'm a huge fan of Reno 911 and The State). And they've written a book you should buy. Why? Because they're writers who actually make movies.

That bears repeating.

THEY'RE WRITERS WHO ACTUALLY MAKE MOVIES.

That's right. Robert McKee, Syd Field, Christopher Voegler, Blake Snyder? Nada. (Unless you count the CGI straight to DVD Barbie movies McKee has been "story consultant" on). Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant? Working writers. With a billion dollars they can legitimately claim credit upon.

And yes, they're horrible, horrible movies. Soulless. Paint by numbers. Average. Granted, there's a mild chuckle here and there. But guess what? THEY'RE WORKING WRITERS. They work in the industry, the industry you so desperately want to get inside. And the book is full of priceless (and very funny) information. If only their scripts had such balls!

They're also refreshingly honest in that they do not claim to teach you how to write art house films. If you want to break rules and write personal movies, please go elsewhere (and stay away as far as you can from Robert McKee). They're teaching you how to write for the studios, using their twenty years of hard-won experience. This isn't your speculative information by some failed wannabe. This is the true life experience of what it's actually like.

So throw away your McKees, your Fields, your Writer's Journeys. Give 'em to your neighbor. Or to someone you hate. Stop being a hobbyist. If you're thinking/dreaming of making it big as a working screenwriter, you owe yourself this read. And it's written in a fast, breezy style with LOTS OF CAPITALIZED SENTENCES which means YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ THE WHOLE PAGE, you can just GLANCE AT THE PAGE like YOU'RE DOING NOW. You can easily read the whole book over several trips to bathroom. Or you can read it over several overpriced coffees at Barnes & Noble. Or you can steal it. Just read it. (It even has a complete improvised script outline in the appendix so you can check out the style/format of the kind of movies that are ruining screenwriting)

A few headlines lept out at me while reading it:

1) your spec script will never ever get made, so forget it.
2) each studio has their own unique format style.
3) it's never your script, it's the studio's (or whoever pays you). But it is your script until the moment you turn it in.
4) there's a 99 percent chance you will get fired from every single thing you will ever work on.
5) at meetings you will get notes on your script by people who haven't actually read your script (no one reads in Hollywood).
6) you must incorporate shitty notes in your script without ruining your script (this is the hardest thing to do but you must do it to work in this town).
7) producers mostly suck. Avoid them.
8) if you want to be happy in the biz, be an editor.
9) creating work is your job, not anybody else's.
10) Billy Crystal is a dick.

Back to point 9. In an interview with Collider's Scott Wampler, Thomas Lennon states "the second you wait for someone else’s opinion or somebody’s money or anything... One, it’s not coming. Two, they’re probably going to fuck it up... the ball is always in your court." Read the full interview HERE.

Writers have to learn by doing. Prince Charming is not arriving. Write a sketch. Make a short. Put it online. Work with actors. Get some feedback. And keep writing. That's the only thing you should be doing right now.

NOTES FROM THE INDEPENDENT HORROR SCENE

2011-05-16T12:28:00.001-07:00

I attend the Creation Weekend of Horrors. The Independent Filmmakers Panel is a quiet revelation. Four filmmakers - Mike Flanagan, Sean Cain, Dave Reda, and James Ryan Gray - gave us the lay of the land - and it ain’t pretty. Just some notes I took:

Give your first film away. The marketplace is flooded with good-looking indie features. And distribution is in a transitory period. In most cases, you give your first film away in order to create a brand for yourself. And by branding yourself, that means getting press and building a fan base.

Does the cream rise to the top? Everyone said yes - except Sean Cain. He laid it out like this: you make a film for two audiences - your fans and WalMart. You can try to create a brand for yourself and build an audience, either via Facebook or VOD, for no money. Or you can try to sell your movie to WalMart and cater to their tastes and make some money (emphasis on some).

The payday is gone. Distributors are not giving indie guys the big pay days. The market is too flooded. Let’s say you make a feature for $70K. They’ll offer you $50K, minus advertising and other costs. Distributors don’t care how good your film is. They only care if they’re happy. Netflix owns your film if you give it them.

The alternative is to bypass the middleman via VOD or self-distribution to individual theaters - but even then, you’re getting pennies on the dollars (which is why the lower the budget, the quicker you’ll see a return).

Career vs. hobby. Mr. Cain also said it like this: when it comes to the industry, do you want a career or are you a hobbyist?

He gave the example of the Shiny Box: you make a shiny box so it attracts the magpies (distributors). But inside the box, you've made something for yourself. You have the best of both worlds.

Most of us on the outside looking in would say we’re hobbyists.

Why bother? The John Carpenter panel was even more interesting. The moderator ran down his resume, asking him to reminisce about his impressive body of work. Midway through his the panel, Mr. Carpenter cut him off and said: "Can we cut to the end. I want to answer audience questions. I don't want to go through my resume because all my answers are going to be the same: I worked very hard on it, it came out, it flopped."

All of his films, when they were released, were panned. Few were hits. Most are now revered. How does that make him feel? "When my films came out they were hated. Now they're loved. Love is better than hate."

When asked what he looks for in horror scripts, he says “Nothing. There are no rules. Tell a good story.”

Sequels to hit movies have to crowd source now. At the Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon reunion panel, Scott Glosserman, the director, explained how he's scrambling to make a sequel. Via Dread Central:

"We're trying to get all the elements together," says Glosserman. "We're even trying to crowd fund in part. We might enlist the Hatchet Army. We've talked to the Alamo Drafthouse, and we're talking to people like Dread Central. The idea is to maybe pre-sell DVDs on the website to raise money to be able to go see distributors and get a co-financier or pre-sell some territories."

And this for an established film with a preexisting audience! - albeit, a cult audience.

I assume they're asking for a cool mil. There’s no money out there for them, so they announced they’ll soon be starting a Kickstarter campaign (their Facebook is HERE).

So what have we learned, class? Well, first of all, you must never make fun of WalMart ever again. Everybody and their grandmother is making a movie nowadays. The lower your budget, the quicker you'll see a return. And by low, I mean really low. In a few years time, I believe, one can make a feature for under $100K. Even less. With the right gimmick, it can be done.

I still believe you need stars attached. You still need names. When was the last time you paid money for a movie that had complete unknowns? What was the last DVD rental you saw that had no faces you recognized? Stars are the faces of your movie. You need them. But the good news is they need you.

Should you make your movie? Mr. Carpenter, of all people, said yes. "You have no reason not to make your film. It's your generation. Take the reins and go."

AH, THE WRITER'S LIFE!

2011-04-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

Ah, writing.

It never gets easier. Like a chess game or a tennis game, it’s hard work. You’re always working, strategizing, trying to figure out the next move, all the while trying to be in the moment - the Zen moment when you’re simply channeling the spirit of the story.

I’ve finished a first draft. It’s really my third, but who’s counting. (No one) I’ve written it behind closed doors. I’m just about ready to open them.

It’s an idea I began thinking about off and on for months but only began seriously doing the work, day by day, since December ‘10.

It’s been two months of planning, research, outlining, revising, followed by two and half months of actual physical “I’m writing dialogue and action.’ It’s soon to be followed by two more months of taking notes from the peeps I trust, revising, etc.

It’s a doozy of a script. Definitely out of my comfort zone.

It was written out in a storm of vision and creative output under the guidance of my friend the Dark Lord Kromdor (pictured left).

It is my greatest wish that whoever shall read it will either go insane or commit suicide.

I can picture it now: some zit-faced snot-nosed reader from an agency, putting down my script and flinging himself out the skyscraper window.

(sighs) Dare to dream.

But seriously, this script is quite different for me. It’s a straight up, no holds barred horror film. No winking asides. No irony. I like to think it demonstrates my strong care for character development, which already makes it unique for a horror flick.

It’s one of those found footage deals, but one that doesn’t rely on shaky cam or running through the woods (although there is an abandoned mine). There’s a very daring piece in the middle of the movie, one that, if pulled off correctly, would have everyone talking about the movie - and praising the actor who performs it.

So it's done. For now. First draft. Completed.

Now all I need is money.

In celebration I crack open my worn copy of Stephen King’s On Writing. A couple of things jump out at me. He says you should never write for theme on the first go. Just tell your story.

Second, he says put your first draft in a drawer and do something, anything, for up to six weeks. Give your brain a rest. When you pick your draft up, you’ll be better able to read it fresh. Edit it, revise it, etc. After that, you’re ready to open the door and let the others in. I feel like my door has been closed forever, at least since I started this diary.

I’m reminded of something I said in passing to Brian Wade, who had to remind me that I said it: you do 3 drafts of a script. One for story, one for character, one for theme. I told him I’ve since changed that. Theme had become the most important element for me, or else why would I be writing this story?

But having gone through the gauntlet of second guessing myself, building up then tearing down draft after draft only to finally arrive at one completed draft where theme isn‘t the most important element, I have to admit… I was right the first time! You have to start out with plot, character. Theme should be your last concern.

Because it is better to raise questions than to give answers.

Even Stephen King agrees with that.

THE MANIFESTO AT WORK: MICROBUDGETS, INSIDIOUS, GRANDMOM'S HAM RECIPE AND RUBBER

2011-04-03T11:53:00.001-07:00

MICROBUDGETS ARE THE NEW EXPLOITATION

This week Lionsgate press releases their slate of upcoming "microbudget" movies. Read about it HERE.

This is the new economy, folks. While I chuckle at the price tag (at $2 million a pop, someone on these movies is walking away with a cool million in his pocket) I see this as a new model for the industry.

You would say, of course, that this is just a knee-jerk (emphasis on the jerk) reaction by a less-than-reputable studio to cash in on PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. (When a movie makes a hundred million dollars, studio people always believe the American public will fall for the same old shit) But it makes sense to cut the fat from production, especially for genre films. Did everyone forget the genius of Roger Corman? Lionsgate is basically pumping out exploitation films for the new generation. And no man in his right mind pays a premium for exploitation.

Exploitation films in the Sixties and Seventies were an essential part of moviemaking. They not only fed the public what they wanted, but they advanced the genre (however low on the cultural totem that may be). They also proved fertile breeding ground for the next generation's most important filmmakers (Joe Dante, James Cameron, Martin Scorsese, Francis Coppola, Peter Bogdanovich, do I need to go on?)

They really haven't gone away. Instead of the drive-ins, you see them on your basic cable channel.

This method can work, if the movies are faithful to their genre and can deliver maximum bang for the (lack of) buck. But come on, guys... 2 million???

INSIDIOUS

The same week Lionsgate anounnces a slate of film for their "Micro-budget Series", io9.com posts an article about how INSIDIOUS was made for the relatively cheap price tag of $800,000 - and it didn't even look like crap! (you should read this article at io9.com HERE.)

This is a stronger model for indie moviemaking. Check out the points Oren Peli makes (Mr. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY himself):

1) when the budget is low, you rely on practical effects, not CGI
2) lack of budget leads to a need to be creative (something you don't have on a higher budget movie, interestingly)
3) small efficient crew (the more crew you have, the more crew you need for the crew)
4) your creative partners (director, producer, editor, actor) collectively OWN THE MOVIE. No huge salraries are paid UP FRONT. You all PARTICIPATE in the success of the movie.

There's also a cool interview with James Wan and Leigh Whannel at Collider.com HERE

ALWAYS QUESTION TRADITION!

The above article mentions Robert Rodriguez and of course he's a hero to the indie world. What gets lost among his trailblazing is how he urges filmmakers to get on board to the digital age. He says filmmakers are the last ones to get on board with technology. Embracing technology is the ONLY WAY you will get the freedom you so desperately want.

Pay close attention to the parable about Grandmom's ham at 1:21. It illustrates everything that is wrong with the Film School Mentality:

RUBBER

And who'd have thought that the best indie movie since DONNIE DARKO would be a horror-absurdist-comedy directed by a Frenchman with a Canon 5D?

Literally, it's about a murderous rubber tire wreaking havoc on a desrt town while a group of spectators watch from a hillside. Figuratively, it's about horror technique and style.

Sound pretentious? You bet. A one joke movie? Actually, it's two jokes. But trust me you've never seen anything like this. (The rubber tire makes people's heads explode. 'Nuff said)

(It was shot on a Canon 5D then transferred to 35mm for a budget under $500K)

THE MANIFESTO, OR HOW GARETH EDWARDS CHANGED EVERYTHING

2011-02-10T13:47:00.001-08:00

So, what's going on with SEX ED?

Well, look left and there she is. She lies in a glass box. Unconscious Barely breathing. Sleeping away. Waiting for her prince to come and give her the kiss of life while seven dwarfs kneel and pray and hope and waste away.

I could also say it’s with a smallish production company who may or may not be doing any work on its behalf. But I prefer the first description. (They are crafty, like dwarfs… But I digress…)

So I’ve been trying to figure out my next move. I learned a lot of valuable lessons from SEX ED. Especially as a producer.

For one, I got great value for what I spent. But if I only filmed a few minutes more, I could have had a neat little feature film. Which would have been better, because as it is, SEX ED is one odd duck.

Even though we got a lot of recognition from the web, it’s not a web series.

It’s a spec pilot - or pilot presentation - that no one seems to know what to do with. Not even me.

The development and TV execs are like, “this is great. What do you need us for?” And they pass.

And the agents are like, “this is great. Let’s find someone to partner you with." And then they get laughed at by their douchebag peers and never call back.

It’s not the greatest pilot in the world. I know that. It’s good. Not great. But good-ish. Good-ly. And I’m thrilled beyond belief that it is. But it could have been better. More time in the editing bay. A more consistent tone. I had thought I would have the best of both worlds between web and TV. I did. For a time. If I had written a feature film that could have served as a back door pilot then it would have had more legs. I should have thought farther.

But people keep coming to the site (click HERE). Thousands each day. Our best day we had 12,000 hits. And I’m not doing a damn thing. Good sign. Thank you.

So what’s next?

I tried to get an agent or manager. And what’s really odd: people don't see me as a producer, just another pasty-faced writer who’s ready to do anything to get a gig. So I’m kind of back to square one for writers: build a portfolio and get ready to eat shit.

I’ve been building a portfolio. I got a TV spec. I got some rom-coms. My new thing is horror. I got one of those. A horror-com, DEVILS CATCH, that I wrote my last draft of. Good enough for me to want to make. But I wrote it big. It needs special effects. CGI. Not a lot. But enough that me, as the potential producer, would be dependent on some company that knows how screwed I am without their services. Unless I find some hungry USC or UCLA genius to do it for nothing, it can’t be done indie-style.

So it goes in the portfolio.

The new script is going very well. It’s done in the found footage style. Yes, it’s one of those. But I think I got a cool take that doesn’t rely on night vision or shaky cam. It’s certainly original. It’s never been done before.

So that means it’s worth making.

And making it cheaply.

It would still rely on finding a buyer, of finding that elusive prince to awaken Sleeping Beauty and pimp her out to the world.

But it wouldn’t be as odd a duck as making my own TV pilot.

KILL THE FILM SCHOOL MENTALITY

SEX ED was done indie style, but it was also done in pretty much the Hollywood standard way: union actors, honey wagons, two ton electric trucks, camera operators, grips, video villages, generators... did I mention honeywagons? It was impressive to see this circus train of trucks pull up each day. We got deals. A Panavision camera. Two of them. For free. Yay! We spent on overtime and we went over budget by thirty percent.

But that’s the Hollywood way, according to the Film School Mentality.

When I say the Film School Mentality, I’m talking about this… Bear with me…. I volunteered once to be a PA on this very small, scrappy shoot. I wanted to see what it was like to actually do something on a set. I was one of three PAs. I had fun. Make no mistake, PA work is slave labor. But it was fun. I was boom one minute, garbage collection the next. I held up reflectors, hung up lights. What was cool was I was part of the team. I got up, was ready to work and I kept on working.

But what got to me, eventually, was all the stopping. You know, on film sets it’s always hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait. Most of the time it’s waiting for an actor or makeup or lights. But some of the times it’s waiting for the Director to get a neck massage because he has a little headache. That kind of stopping offends me. But hey, that’s the norm. Right?

But the final straw was this: We were shooting indoors. Air conditioning was on. We were about to start a shot when the director realized we needed the air conditioning off. The director shouts, “SOMEONE TURN THE AIR CONDITIONING OFF.” My hands are full. I can’t move. I look to the other PAs. They have their hands full. They can’t move. We look at each other and we all realize this at the same time - the Director is standing right next to the air conditioner! If the Director just extended his arm to the right, he could have shut off the air conditioning himself!!! It was right there! Next to him! He had nothing in his hands except his hips. But there he was, waiting for someone else - some peon - to do it for him. Why?

Because that‘s what film schools teach you.

They teach you how to delegate.

And as far as individual duties go, you are locked into your own little department and are taught never to move beyond it.

So that’s how the SEX ED production moved along. All of us following this Film School Mentality. With commands from above delegated to the troops below. We didn’t have shot lists, so often the troops didn’t know the game plan. There was grumbling. But it moved pretty well for an indie shoot.

Post production moved much more efficiently because I was relying on freelance artists who had their own programs (ProTools, FinalCut, Apple Color, etc). These people worked form their houses or garages who actually were passionate about the project, and not their paycheck or specific duties. They moved above and beyond their departments, which is something Film School Mentality does not encourage you to do.

It was incredibly satisfying because of the freedom technology gave us. It’s an Apple world, folks. I moved swiftly, with options, quickly and affordably.

Why would anyone pay for a post house, charging you thousands per hour, when you can find a hungry talented artist who actually likes you and your work? Who has his own equipment? Post is so streamlined and affordable. For a few grand, you can own your own post studio.

Lesson: Don't fall into the trap of specializing in one field. If you want to be independent, don't imitate the big-budget methods of filmmaking. Find new ways of getting your film done. Because the film schools are only teaching you how to do it the big budget way.

CHANGING EVERYTHING

So if nowadays post is within consumer reach, where does that leave the big costs in making your own film?

That’s right.

Production.

And as an indie filmmaker must do everything he can do reduce and eliminate fat from production.

This must be your mantra.

That’s where MONSTERS comes in.

LOSE THE CREW

In the 90s we had Kevin Smith and Spike Lee to inspire thousands on filmmakers to make their own films.

Right now, we have Gareth Edwards, writer-creator-filmmaker of the fine sci-fi film MONSTERS.

Now, you’re not going to be blown away by this film. It’s talky, insightful, romantic, seldom scary but very realistic. Sort of like IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT with DISTRICT 9. It’s a very specific story, done in a specific style - the handheld realistic- doc style. But check out his crew:

1 director-Cameraman
1 Line producer
1 Sound recordist
1 scout locator
2 editors who stayed in the hotel to manage the digital workflow
2 actors - no makeup, no costume, no honeywagons

On SEX ED we employed about 70 people. I couldn’t have had the same results if I had done it with a crew of six.

Or could I have had something just as good?

It certainly would have been cheaper. More intimate. More flexible. I would have had more footage. The film would have less an old fashioned, standard feel and more of a modern, improvisatory feel. Which is more relevant today? Was my thinking analog instead of digital? Was I trapped in that Film School Method, of “this is the way it’s done” instead of figuring out a new more personal way of telling my story?

MONSTERS has really set a new bar for indie maverick filmmaking. You don’t need honey wagons. You don’t need electric trucks. You don’t need people standing around, with their hands in their pockets, cashing in their overtime checks while the Director is getting a neck massage.

By trimming the crew, you suddenly don’t have to delegate anything. You just do it.

You don’t need to waste any more money.

If you have a story, and you can tell it handheld style, and - most important - if you know what you’re doing in terms of acting, camera and editing - you don’t have to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on the pros who offer you just one limited field of experience. You rally well-rounded individuals who are multi-talented, multi-faceted, and ready to multi-task. You will move faster, cheaper, and more efficiently if - and it’s a big if - there is a visionary in command who not only talks the talk but walks the walk.

There’s been big debate how much MONSTERS really cost - $15,000 to under $500,000. Pretty big number difference. $15K seems low, considering hotel and air fare to Mexico for six crew plus two actors. Plus travel money. Plus bribes. $100K seems right, but that’s my guess.

But even if it was $500K (which I doubt - SKYLINE was filmed for that amount, with a much bigger cast; FX cost an additional $9.5 mil) it’s an amazingly low number for a film high on special effects and locations. These aren’t cheap effects either, like the kind of see on SyFy.

And the look of it: shot on a customized Sony PMW-EX3 with a Letus 35mm lens adapter that shot with Nikon consumer lenses.

So that means anyone with the know-how can walk into a Best Buy and walk out with a film package that will look just as good as MONSTERS did.

MONSTERS never shot on sticks. The camera was always moving, always flexible. In editing you are relying on a variety of choices made by the actors and cameraman. Often times, you don’t get that many because of time constraint on the set.

And what a glorious feeling not to have seventy people on set, waiting for instruction. It’s just the camera and the actors. The two producers stand aside, pitch in, help whenever they can. But no time is wasted on lights. No time is wasted on waiting. Time is in the filmmaker’s hands, where it should be in the first place!

And God bless the PAs. Talk about good soldiers! They will do anything for you. They put their trust in you. I’d rather pay a dozen PAs than a bunch of grips who could care less to be on your set.

(Beware of the paycheck employees, always with their eyes on the clock. In one hand they hold a sandwich, the other hand is in their pocket. The paycheck employee even grumbles about overtime, that‘s how less they could care about being there. You don’t need them. You never needed them. You let them knock tin. You don’t allow them in on a movie set. All a producer dreams about is arriving on a set where someone is smiling. You know, actually happy to be there. It never happens. But I digress. )

Lesson: By having the camera ever mobile, and by keeping the crew small and manageable and passionate, you suddenly have the luxury of options.

NOTE: This approach will mean more time in the editing room. But that’s okay. You’re editing in your own house. Not a rented studio. You’re in control of your own story.

LOSE THE LIGHT TRUCKS

On one of the production days on SEX ED we lost 3 hours because the electric truck arrived empty. They had driven the wrong truck to location! So as producer, what can you do to eliminate trucks?

RED cameras can shoot in available light - Look at THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE. This film was made using two 15 passenger vans - one for the cast and crew (which did not number over 13), the other for equipment and clothes. Two vans!

On SEX ED, we had five to six plus honeywagons for the actors to take a crap and nap in!

Now you don’t have to wait for an electric truck - and for the dozen of unfriendly, dispassionate people to unload it.

And if you do need lights, why rent those heavy c-stands? Make your own. For 12 bucks, you can build your own out of wood. And guess what? You own it!

All you need to carry are a few rarefied lights. You can fit them in the back of one truck. Along with your costumes, makeup and film crew. And guess what - if it looks like crap, you can fix it in post! ( I know that’s a hollow excuse bandied about on all sets, but with Apple Color, it’s actually true)

What really gets me is the unions have not grasped this. They have not come down in their quotes and prices. It doesn’t take a business major - or maybe it does - to realize that just like the post houses, they’re pricing themselves into extinction.

Lesson: the high resolution cameras are cutting down on time you have to wait for some dude to hang up a light.

(I’m not sucking on the teat of RED. Try a Canon x-7. Or the Sony EX-3. Can’t afford that? Next week, next month, there will be something cheaper. Better. Faster. That you can OWN. But I digress)

DP = DIRECTOR = EFFICIENCY

On cinematographers: they’re called directors of photography for a reason. The director creates the vision, in best cases, and thinks of the larger picture. The DP is handed the set, and the reigns of control on the set. Everything is dependent on the DP and how prepared he is for the elements.

To me this is the most frightening aspect of production. Because if the DP is unprepared, what then? Time is the most valuable element of any shoot, and here you are giving that time to an artist of light.

Being an artist myself, I lavish lots of time to get things right. You want the DP to get things right.

But you also need efficiency.

And let’s face it, most DPs (especially most DPs starting out) are not efficient. Why?

Because they don’t need to be.

They consider themselves to be equal partners in the storytelling. And, like an actor, they’re going to tell their story on the set because that’s what they’re there for. Overtime or not, they’re artists.

(What always drives me nuts is they don’t pre-light a set. They arrive in the morning,. Have breakfast, do some lighting, stop, do a little more lightning, stop, tweak, tweak, light some more, and so on. What were they doing the night before? I mean, the set was always the same. They could have lit the set 2 weeks ago. Why does everybody have to wait for them that day? In school, I used to homework the night before. DPs are the people who always do their homework the period before. But I digress.)

Combining the director with the director of photography is not only makes sense, it’s efficient. See: Steven Soderbergh.

In fact, I would argue, it’s the way it should be for all indie film. It’s the one way to make sure there’s someone who cares about the look of the film and its production schedule.

Why isn’t this embraced? Is it because of the Film School Mentality?

Hey, directors - instead of standing around the set like a Napoleonic emperor, visualizing in your head and dictating commands from the luxury of your video village, why don’t you strap on the camera and shoot it your goddamn self? Too afraid? Too hard? Or did you skip those classes in Film School and spent your time posing in front of a camera for your web site? What? You don’t you know your lenses? Jesus, what did you go to film school for?

The coddling days of the director are over.

Lesson: All you need on a set is one person who has the big picture in his head and you put that person to work.

GO OUTSIDE

MONSTERS relied on found locations. If they saw a green field or a cool location as they drove by, they would stop and improvise something. They didn’t wait for the script supervisor or need clapboards. Why? Because the filmmaker was the cameraman was the editor.

Scenery costs nothing. Point a camera at a landscape and suddenly you’re David Lean.

Lesson: If you’re starting out, you don’t need a studio. You don’t need to pay for locations either. If your story relies on specific locations, then you haven’t found the right story to make for your indie budget.

LOSE THE WRITER (?)

What boggles my mind is Gareth Edwards didn’t have a script. He had a ten page outline of the arc, separated into emotional beats. The actors improvised, found new moments ,repeated others.

This method frightens the hell out of me, more than anything else about his method. How on earth can you get a consistent vision on film without a reliable script?

Well, he did.

While I’d rather chew glass after having all my teeth removed by rusted pliers than to allow an actor to improvise my lines, I understand.

(But improvisation always rubs me the wrong way. One, because the writer has thought about all the angles, all the detours, all the alternate ways of telling a scene. He knows the bad ways to tell a scene, and he’s found a path that works for the overall structure of the film. When actors improvise they tend to talk over each other, and worse, they try to “top” one another. It crucially upsets the balance the writer has painstakingly tried to find within the given of the scene. There’s nothing worse than a supporting character applying some shtick he tried in acting class and incorporating it in a scene. An actor, in the moment, doesn’t care about the balance of a script. He doesn’t care about the structure of a scene. He cares about his arc and his arc only. And he’ll do anything in his powers to try to crack up the crew. He wants his moment to “shine.”

I don’t mind about individual lines. I DO mind about characters stealing scenes from other characters.

And I just don’t like it when a director allow an actor to improvise on set. If the director can hand over the reigns of scene construction to an actor, why doesn’t the director allow craft services take over the lighting direction for a while? Why doesn’t the grip get to say “action?” It’s a collaborative medium, right? But I digress)

The writer must always be open to suggestions and the moments the actors discover. It’s essential to moviemaking. But when there’s a captain at the helm who has the entire layout of the movie in his head, the writer - and all his painstaking craft and aspirations - become irrelevant.

And with the urgency lent by the down and dirty approach of handheld cameras, improvised dialogue becomes a necessity.

It’s all about the structure, stupid.

Lesson: Not only is Mr. Edwards putting cinematographers, script supervisors, grips, electricians, producers out of a job, he’s putting me - the writer - out of a job.

LOSE THE EFFECTS HOUSES (BURN ‘EM DOWN)

MONSTERS also relied on a third genius talent: effects. Mr Edwards knew enough of FX to know what he could fix/alter/create on the computer. And effects are becoming more and more affordable. If Mr Edwards wanted a CG plane, he bought a model online for a few bucks, redid it himself and put it in his film.

He did the effects work on a laptop in his bedroom.

Today you walk into an effects house for some CGI work you need in your film and they’ll give you an outrageous hourly rate. They’ll say it costs $10K for a completed effects shot. You’ll balk. They’ll say, “You want it done right, don’t you?” And you’ll go on Youtube and find some young maverick who produced film-worthy effects on his own as a calling card and you’ll wonder, “What’s the future here? Some effects house with a high overhead that rapes young filmmakers into overspending or is it in the hands of hungry young talent who are advancing technology for personal means?”

(I don’t use the word rape lightly: these smug effects houses, who overcharge daily, are just asking to be brought down. They’re the equivalent of used car salesmen. And worse they don’t even advance their own art form. Not unless someone like Jim Cameron or Spielberg is paying them to. Shame on them. But I digress)

These effects houses may house creative minds that may find creative solutions to your problems, but they’re operated like hospitals. Every band-aids costs $20. You don’t need that. Find the solutions yourself. Whatever happened to the mantra of “improvise, innovate, invent?”

(And whatever happened to using practical effects? Has anyone ever been convinced by a CG creature besides Gollum or the Navi? Hell no. Audiences can spot them a mile away. You know, in the old days, like say, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, a lot of practical effects were used. Remember the face melt? That was a wax dummy. Do you think it would be half as shocking if it was CG? Think about that. But I digress)

Lesson: Like the post houses, like the electricians, the effects houses have priced themselves into extinction.

CHOOSE THE RIGHT STORY

Now mind you, this technique - and it is a technique - will not work for all stories. I remember when Dogma was all the rage, it filled a lot of wannabe filmmakers with the same enthusiasm. We don’t need lights! We don’t need sound! What we got were a lot of lousy films that looked like they were filmed through a bucket of mud with no coherent sound.

You must make sure it is the right story for this technique. I believe the handheld genre works for horror, faux docs, exposes, thrillers, road movies, sci-fi, comedies, revenge stories, drama… I’m going to go out on a limb and say it can work for every type of story. (I was going to throw westerns in there. But I just can’t think of one )

Basically, everything can be handheld. It lends urgency to the story you’re telling.

Lesson: make sure your story has that urgency built in and you’re ready to roll, down and dirty style.

SOUND BECOMES MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR VISUALS

Sound is SO essential that it’s insulting to believe you can sacrifice quality here. So many filmmakers leave sound as an afterthought. Nothing yells amateur more than crappy camera-micced sound. I've been on sets where the sound men are treated like second-class citizens. Make a friend of your sound man!!

With the caveat being this: you don’t have to have great sound on set. Hello, ADR is an art, people! But you must have good sound. Even Mr. Edwards says “If you have really crappy picture but great sound they’ll forgive you but if you have really great picture and crappy sound you cant be forgiven.” Therefore, a lot of your post money is going to go to sound. Plan accordingly.

Lesson: You must have good sound, but not necessarily on the set. MONSTERS was 90 percent ADR. And guess what? So was THE LORD OF THE RINGS.

DON’T CAST YOUR ZIT-FACED FRIENDS

The other essential element is good acting. This I believe you must pay for. You don’t need SAG or AFTRA actors, but you pretty much need actors just as good. With the unions cooperating with experimental low budget movies, you now have greater flexibly than ever before.

Just don’t screw with the unions. So you might have to spring for that honey wagon their agents always demand in their contracts.

But if you find yourself with a dickhead agent who puts a rider on the contract, you shouldn’t be doing business with that actor in the first place.

Or you can go overseas and find quality hungry actors who just want do work and import them. The expense will probably be the same.

But don’t cast just anybody. There’s nothing that screams low budget more than a film featuring actors who look like your neighbors.

Maybe it’s because we’re so used to seeing pretty actors on screen.

Or maybe it’s because screen actors who know what they’re doing have these open expressive faces that invite audience participation. That draw the viewers in. That can be real without acting it, without indicating it or impersonating it.

You know these types of faces. You’ve been watching them your whole life.

(It always baffles me that actors with significant six figure quotes don’t invest in the projects they’re working on. Somehow the entrepreneurial spirit eludes the acting profession. If I had a significant quote I’d put it back into the budget as an investment and therefore would be part-owner of the project. Being an owner is the only way you’ll see your money back, folks. I wouldn’t even bother with the front end grosses nonsense. But I digress)

Just find actors who are enormously gifted, unique to your project, and who don’t care about what their hair looks like every five minutes.

Try a pro or two. You might be surprised who says yes.

So don’t cast your zit-faced friends with their greasy hair and pallid skin. You need to spend the time to find good, interesting and active actors. (Why did I say active? Well… I’m going to go to hell for saying this, but you can always tell the budget of a movie if one of the leads is fat.)

Actors: you need to say yes to this low budget approach. Remember, the days of multi-million dollar budgets are coming to an end. Either you’re scoring that big comic book movie or you gotta go down and dirty, get some dirt underneath your fingernails and cinch your belt with the rest of us. Stop worrying about that Maybelline contract. That will come later. But first you must prove you have heart.

And actors, when you do say yes to this approach, you need to relax. No one is ripping you off. All of us want to do work and get more work as a result of our endeavors. So please give us a break if we need you to do some ADR or, God forbid, we ask you to come to a table read. In return, we’ll promise our checks won’t bounce.

Lesson: These actors can come from anywhere. They don’t necessarily have to come from the unions. But they gotta be good.

Because if they’re not, you’re sunk.

EXPERIMENT NARRATIVELY

Movies are an experience. More so than a coherent story. Would you rather watch a David Lynch or Kubrick film, films that give you an experience at sacrifice of a standard story? Or would you rather watch a Jennifer Aniston film that tells you exactly what to feel and how to think at every given moment?

If you’re going to all this trouble, why copy somebody else?

In many ways I believe Joseph Campbell’s HERO WITH A THOUSAND FACES is the worst thing to happen to movies. It ruins all mystery. You lose that sense of awe that stories used to carry.

If it’s everyone’s destiny to be a hero, as Campbell devotees preach, then no one is a hero.

Sometimes heroes just are. Sometimes shit just happens.

And not everyone needs a backstory. It’s the thing to do now - origin stories. But movies were doing fine without them.

Look at Hannibal Lecter. Did we really need an origin story? Didn’t he became less scary the more we knew about him?

Did we need the full backstory of Indiana Jones to enjoy him on RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK? Did he become any more heroic when he was played by River Phoenix?

Or take Mary Poppins. Do you think she would be more magical or less if we knew where she came from, what her upbringing was and what her relationship with Bert was?

If you’re thinking yes to any of those questions, you don’t deserve MARY POPPINS.

Lesson: Indie filmmakers must experiment and tell personal stories and create unique experiences or else why are you independent?

EMBRACE FAILURE

Art isn’t easy. The process is hard work. And guess what - it’s supposed to be hard work.

When embarking any project, your biggest concern/worry is that you are making a piece of shit. That’s natural. That’s why you do your homework. You know when you’re taking a test and you didn’t do the homework. Be honest.

That’s why you must train yourself for the marathon to come. Because the last thing you want to think back on when all is said and done is “I should have done this…”

Everyone aspires to do good work (except the clock punchers). That’s a good thing. The bad thing? Everyone expects success. Success being red carpet premieres, headlines in the newspapers/blogs, distribution deals, landing an agent who will give you the keys to the kingdom. Believe me, people are consumed by this.

But that’s the last thing you should be thinking about.

You want to be a producer? Writer? Filmmaker? You have to make stuff.

The difference between making stuff and wanting to make stuff is… you guessed it… making stuff.

And you’re not making stuff because of two things: money and lack of courage. Money is a black and white option. You either have it or you don’t. Same thing with courage. And your lack of courage lies in your fear of failure.

A writer isn’t a good writer until he writes a few shitty scripts. You don’t start writing a script expecting every page is going to be gold. You have to allow yourself to fail. You have to allow yourself to WRITE SHIT. Otherwise, you’re going to second-guess yourself to death. It’s what Clint Eastwood calls “the paralysis of analysis.” It’s a straitjacket. Avoid it.

It’s the same thing with filmmaking. Every day on set you’re expected to fail. Expect to make mistakes. Because God is going to co-direct your movie. God likes to direct via weather, fire, human incompetence, reneged location permits and 14-hour days. If you go into each day expecting something disastrous to happen, when it does happen you won’t throw your hands up in the air and go “I quit” or ‘I’m exhausted, let’s go home.”

If you do the homework and cover your bases (hiring the right people, making sure the money is onscreen and not in someone‘s pockets), at the worst - AT THE WORST - you’ll wind up with something mediocre. That’s a good bet. I’d take that bet. Wouldn’t you? Because if the magic happens, it’s going to wind up better than that.

But you can only go forward knowing that those are the rules of the game.

Complete failure IS an option.

And even if you finish filming and your movie is a piece of shit, so what? You got something produced. It’s on your resume. You have a film. And even though it’s a piece of shit, having a piece of movie shit is better than having an unproduced script. Would you rather have something or nothing?

Failure is a friend. Make a friend of failure. It will only make you feel invincible.

Lesson: The greatest gift you can give yourself is the permission to fail.

CAVEAT EMPTOR

You make it. It looks decent. Now what?

Well, unless you’re brilliant and original and competes in a marketable genre, it’ll probably wind up on Youtube. Or you can donate it to Netflix.

In the end, you’ll still be relying on some Prince Charming corporation to put it in theaters. You’ll still be applying to film festivals, eating shit. And when you get accepted, you’ll be pressing the flesh, spending money on flyers, posters, promotions, ads, parties, begging for acceptance. Like every amateur.

Sure, you can release it on VOD, iTunes, or distribute it yourself. But unless you’re Kevin Smith or have at least a million Twitter followers you aren’t going to get a huge payday.

Which is why reducing the cost of production makes so much sense.

Just make your movie. If you got something to say, say it. If you’re a true artist, you have this burning desire to tell your story. It’s up to you to find the low cost means to tell it.

Because you can’t wait for that Hollywood phone call giving you the keys to the kingdom. That’s a myth. It’s always been a myth. And you can’t afford to buy into the myth.

You can’t afford to think analog anymore. You’ve got to think digital. You’ve got to think LONG TAIL. (Don’t now what that is? Look it up)

I found a post house for SEX ED. They were passionate. They gave me everything I needed and beyond. They gave me an indie friendly rate.

They went out of business.

The bight side is they got future work out of the quality job they did for me.

Like Francis Coppola predicted, "Some fat girl in Ohio is going to be the new Mozart, you know, and make a beautiful film with her little father's camera."

Filmmaking has become more and more democratized due to technology.

The means to be the next Mozart are here. Are now.

Just don’t expect to be paid for it .

(The sad truth is I believe all these changes are happening for the next generation. Generation Xers and Yers are stuck in the old Film School regimented cubicle-style of filmmaking. We better roll up our sleeves, tear up our union cards and join the parade before it passes us by. Or let’s simply get out of the way. But I digress)

Lesson: Chances are no one will see your film. Not unless you have a “name” (don’t cast your zit-faced friends). Not unless you have a lot of coin to put into the publicity machine. And even then, unless you win the lottery, at best - AT BEST - your film will wind up on a straight-to-DVD dustbin or some late-night channel at 3 in the morning.

THE LESSON IN ALL THIS

A student who only enrolls in Film School to be a director is a fool. The student must enroll and be able to do everything. To only be a director, or a cinematographer, or a writer, is to throw our life away in the film industry. You must know everything about every department to tell your story and have the balls to call yourself independent.

You must learn everything, do everything, be everything so you can be a true maverick who’s multi-talented in direction, vision, ability to spot truth, and the knowledge of cameraman and lenses, and the knowledge of post.

Or if you’re a producer, you must find someone who is.

Otherwise, you’ll be throwing your money in a very standard inefficient way that may get you a good result.

Or you can spend less in an efficient way and get something just as good.

Things are changing at such an enormous rate, you can’t afford to buy into a myth that no longer exists. The studios are going bankrupt. They’re in the same boat as the indie filmmaker scrambling to find money. Individual billionaires are now funding movies. So why are you waiting for some corrupt corporation to send you that check?

I believe an artist creates art because he needs to. I can’t imagine any true artist saying, yes I have a vision but I’m sit and wait for someone to pay me first.

Not I’m advocating that people work for free. People should be paid according to their ability, according to how useful they are to the production. The more useful, the more value their work is to you.

And if they’re hungry, and they believe in your story, and they think the job they’re doing is important, then what else can you ask for? Because you should only hire people who’s deepest darkest desire to be part of Good Work.

Your best value, as a producer, is to hire workaholics.

(What if there was a way we could all cash in? If the crew and cast were considerably small, then why not a pseudo-Communist share in the profits? But, as we all know in the biz, there ain’t no thing as profit. But the more we stray away from the corporate way of doing things, maybe there is profit. Or significant return. But I digress)

Independent movies are by definition independent. So emulating the studio model not only doesn’t apply, it doesn’t even make sense! Every dollar you spend should be on that screen and not in some union guy’s pocket. And it certainly should not be in an actor’s pocket. And guess what - it doesn’t belong in your pocket either. You wanna make a film? Make it because you want to make it. Don’t make it if you expect to be paid.

You cannot pinch on quality. You must pay for quality. The only thing you should pay for is quality. I believe you should spend it on sound and performance. Others may feel differently.

You just do not need to pay someone to tell you to turn the air conditioner off when she’s two feet away from it.

The future is yours.

POSTSCRIPT

No one knows better than me that you need the collaboration of people who are better than you, who are more experienced than you, and who more artistic than you, to succeed in a medium such as film. No one is alone. The film process is built upon the creation of a unit to pull together and create a work of meaningful art.

This process, like theater, is as sacred to me as any church.

But like every chain, it is only as strong as its weakest link.

And when you have a film set where a grip is standing around with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be told what to do, looking at the clock, or when a director is off in a corner have a neck message, there’s a lot of weak chains around.

As a producer, it’s your job to run an efficient set.

Gareth Edwards’ MONSTERS demonstrates an extreme case of shaking the tree down to its barest elements. And it can work for you just as well as any 70 person production. If I were an aspiring filmmaker, this bare bones method, utilizing incredibly talented people, pitching in, going above and beyond their departments, becoming a cohesive whole, is the way to…

… hey wait a min…. I AM an aspiring filmmaker…. And this is the way to go!

I got one more in me. That’s about it. But I got to take my shot. Cash in some of the knowledge I’ve accumulated before I pack my bags and do something drastic (such as teaching for a living. Yikes).

I’m going to try this maverick way. Sure, I’m going to spend on things. Actors, unions, makeup (I like looking at pretty things). I may wind up with a 13 person crew. I may even wind up renting a studio for the story I want to tell.

The script may be so good that I don’t have to scrounge around for pennies in my couch to make it myself. Maybe someone will buy it. Invest in it.

Then again, maybe it will rain if I don’t turn the door handle three times. I don’t know.

What I do know is I’m going to meet people who can combine as much talent into one package as humanly possible. And I know I’m going to work with those people who will cinch their belt and work at a cut rate on a film they are passionate about creating. Because… why else would I want to work with them?

And I also know this: in the end, indie filmmaking is not a business. The selling of it is. Oh yes it is. But the creation of a film is not a business. It shouldn’t be. And it isn’t. It’s only because of the Film School Mentality that people expect to get paid for a certain specific piece of work. And that mentality is driving more and more people out of work.

We all have to pitch in. We are all multi-talented. Isn’t that what we came out here for? So why delegate to others who aren’t as passionate when - for the first time in history, folks! - we have the technological means and the intellectual drive to do it ourselves?

Hey, it’s called indie filmmaking for a reason.

Because the middle class way of filmmaking- the million to 10 million dollar film - is gone, baby gone. The future is homemade maverick filmmaking. Done with skill. Done with style. Done with surprise.

Because anything else would be… dear God… a job.

And who wants that?

ASSHOLES LOVE L.A.

2010-12-31T12:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Los Angeles,

I love how your people monologue about their lives. Just a well-rehearsed monologue, then it’s my turn. Ex: I listened to a great monologue by this director, who told me to keep him informed about anything I did. I told him. Then he said, great. Keep me posted on anything I did. I told him, I just told you.

I love how there is no such thing as a conversation out here.

I love how no one is curious about anyone else.

I love how your people only hear what they want to hear. Even when I write it down. And then they act shocked when I say I never said it in the first place.

I love your people who say no for a living. They live in perpetual fear having risen to such a position, the Peter Principle in effect. They found a job that has justified their ignorance and lack of courage. Or curiosity. They have no qualifications, no creativity, no insight into the human condition. They just know how to keep an expense account. They are the parasites that are driving their corporations into bankruptcy. By not taking chances they are killing the industry. They go through the human race and justify why they can’t do anything. They are a waste of life.

I love your agents and managers and their childish high school culture of business. They are bottom feeders who scoop up the leavings of the creative and energetic. They start each day figuring how their clients fit into their agenda. And their agenda is to make money for their bosses. And each of them dreams every night of slitting their boss’s throat. They must cherish the moment when their clients realize their agents are not working for them but they are working for their agents. They must laugh their collective asses off.

I love how these cannibals do not care how many careers they strangle in their infancy as long as they can go to each weekly meeting and say, yes, we sold another package to the studios, yes, we pulled another one over them. They’re worse than I am after a one night stand, never answering your phone, hiding behind their assistants. An 8.9 earthquake up and down Wilshire Blvd would not disturb the bullshit they rake.

I love your people who spend their day with their head down scrolling on their smart phones. Presidents and heads of state are not as busy as they appear to be. Are they really that important and significant to the world? They wish.

I love how every rejection feels like a mugging. No matter how much marijuana I am legally entitled to.

I love how I expect the best from someone, but then I realize they do not even expect the best from themselves.

I’m an asshole.

And I love you, L.A.

THE BEST IN HORROR

2010-12-07T13:03:00.000-08:00

I finished my first horror script, Devils Catch, late this summer. It's your typical story: 6 teens go to a cabin in the woods for sex. Then things get... well, Biblical. I’m very proud of it. It's too expensive for me to mount on my own, so I’m at work writing another horror film, a script that could be shot on a Paranormal Activity-Monsters sort of budget. Horror is a tough genre to write for. It contains its own rules and elements, and you deviate away from them at your own peril.

Having watched my share of horror movies lately, I thought what better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ than to list my favorite horror movies?

15. Trick R Treat (2007)

Made in 2007, sat on by Warners Bros and unceremoniously dumped to DVD in 2009, this is hands down the best Halloween movie ever made. Nothing else captures the fall atmosphere, the leaves, the jack-o-lanterns, the costumes, all the while celebrating the "true meaning" of this movie. It's five stories telling one story. Ingenious in its structure, it's Creepshow remade with the time scheme of Pulp Fiction. I swear you won't be able to predict what happens in each of the stories. At the end, you'll be amazed how well it all fits together. You'll never look at Red Riding Hood the same way again.

14. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Nothing else sets the mood right for tension and paranoia. The movie just begins and you immediately feel on edge. The scene where Jodie Foster descends into the labyrinthine prison and meets Hannibal Lecter for the first time is a classic for the ages. The direction is superb. When I watch this, I feel like I’m watching a Roger Corman movie. Maybe it’s because Roger Corman makes an appearance. Maybe it’s because the movie shares the qualities I like in B movies: it’s unpretentious, it’s fast, it’s efficient, there are no big chase scenes, it’s all about character, and it just wants to give you the willies. Also: check out how much of the terror you're feeling are featured in the actor's eyes.

13. Gothic (1986)

You must be thinking I must be high to include this among classics. But I’ve always been a fan of Ken Russell. And being high watching this film ain't such a bad idea. There’s over the top, and there’s way over the top. But nothing else works as well as this haunted house of a movie, where the ghosts are a combination of hallucinations and practical jokes, and you never can tell which is which. Here are some unforgettable performances - Natasha Richardson is superb. For sheer weirdness - and I mean the scary weirdness - and countless cool shots and effects - eyes on the breasts notwithstanding - this is a great mood setter. Also: check out Thomas Dolby’s excellent score, one of the best for horror.

12. Scream (1996)

To all appearances this was just another Friday night horror flick. Instead, what we got was something revolutionary: characters who actually watched other horror movies! Who knew what was in store for them if they said "I'll be right back." And still get killed! And they were likable, articulate and intelligent (to a degree). You have no idea how revolutionary or exhilarating this was at the time. Imagine - a horror film that didn't condescend or underestimate its audience! How original! (And largely forgotten nowadays) This film played by the rules we all knew by heart, meanwhile putting its own spin on the rules. Add to this a clever story, full of red herrings, a new masked horror villain, and an unforgettable climax, Scream is just a great film.

11. The House of the Devil (2009)

I saw this film on the big screen at the Fangoria Festival . It was free, and I was going to walk out of it if it got boring. I liked the retro-ness of it (shot on 16mm, it looks and feels like a 70s horror movie) but it was slow. Real slow. Then a half hour in, I couldn’t get up out of my seat. I was hooked. I felt like I was slowly sinking in quicksand. Nothing was happening on the screen, but I knew something was going to happen. And it was going to be good. Director Ti West cites early Polanksi as an influence. Polanksi knew how long he could try the audience’s patience without frustrating them. This is a ballsy production in today’s hack horror climate. As for presentation, it’s a masterpiece of suspense. And when was the last time you felt suspense in a movie?

10. The Descent (2007)

Claustrophobic? Feel like slinking through caves, some of which may fall on top of you, crushing you to death? With people who may or may not be your friends? How about we throw in some monsters? Who are chasing you? And can move around in the pitch blackness? All around you? This movie was the first time I jumped out of my seat in a long time... and I was at home. A group of British women go spelunking in the Appalachian caves - and once trapped inside the caves, bring their own outside issues with them. It’s all serious business once the movie starts. And it's got an all-female cast. A well acted, well written, and well made horror film.

9. French Modern Horror (Frontier(s), Inside, High Tension, Martyrs)

So what is it about modern French horror movies? Why do they want to make you feel so bad? No doubt, the French take horror seriously. For them, there’s never enough blood and there's never enough cruelty in the world...

Frontier(s) is basically The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remade with political overtones... Inside takes a pregnant mother’s primal fear - she’s going to lose her baby - and makes it literal. Real literal... Haute Tension is basically The Hitcher, but well-crafted and ultra violent, and with a whopper of a twist which you'll either buy or not... Martyrs is just... well, this one is a doozy. It’s two stories in one but this ain’t Psycho. It’s... um... it makes you feel just... bad. I’d hate to call it torture porn because there’s actually a point to all the torture, but... see it at your own peril.

(If it doesn’t make you feel awful, go see Cannibal Holocaust. You deserve it)

8. Eyes Without a Face (1960)

There’s little gore in this French film, but tons of dread. It’s simply played, simply directed, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get under your skin (and I mean that in all ways). About a doctor’s attempts to graft a new face on his daughter’s damaged one, this film has no real scares but it’s spooky and eerie. It’s a film that’s haunted by the daughter without the face. Yes, we get to see her without her white mask, which is scary and eerie in of itself. But she wanders around like a little damaged ghost, and in the end, she gets her revenge. The final shot of her wandering the back yard, out in the open, free for the first time in a long time, will haunt me forever.

7. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Right from its opening sound FX - a rickety camera flash popping that sounds like nails on a chalkboard - you’re scared. From the opening image, you’re scared. You know this is going to be a bad ride, and it doesn’t disappoint. It’s your typical teens break down in an unknown territory ask for help at the first house they see and get caught in a spider‘s web of pure homemade horror. Yes, you’ve seen this a dozen times before, but this was the first, and possibly the best. Like Night of the Living Dead, it’s crudely shot, crudely acted. But unlike Night of the Living Dead, you don’t wonder what the fuss was about. This one still delivers. And… it’s funny as all hell. Come on, if you don’t find the humor of the clan trying to get Grandpa to hammer the poor screaming girl and failing, you’re just not getting it. It’s gallows humor at its finest. And Leatherface dancing with the chainsaw at the end - and you’re dancing with him, mind you - is the best ending of any horror film. Evil is out there, folks. And he’s dancing.

Notice: there’s not a lot of blood in this. In fact, the only blood you see is a pinprick on a finger. And yet some people call this the bloodiest film ever made. Hrmm.

6. Evil Dead 2 (1987)

If you see this for the first time, and I'm jealous if you are, I’m sure you’ll be asking yourself, are you kidding? It’s not well acted, its story is hackneyed, and isn’t this a really a comedy? Why yes, it's all three. It’s a horror story played out like the Three Stooges, in fact. For sheer dexterity, nothing beats Sam Raimi’s direction. The camera swoops, flies, crouches, spins. Is it scary? Well, parts. Is it exciting? Hell yes. If the Orson Welles from Touch of Evil took crack and went in the woods, you'd have something like Evil Dead 2.

5. Braindead (aka Dead Alive) (1992)

Sharing the same exhilaration as Sam Raimi, but in another country, Peter Jackson delivers what could be rightfully be called the bloodiest movie ever made. Its dazzling finale involves a zombie dance, a lawnmower, a baby zombie and the top half of a zombie head in a blender - and I didn’t even mention the zombie bowels that come alive, complete with talking sphincter. Finale and bloodiness aside, Dead Alive is actually a good story, about a Momma’s boy who has to grow up. Of course, there are many obstacles in his way, but everything is a part of his arc - and it works. It’s dark, it’s funny, it’s gory, it‘s low budget. It’s everything you want in a zombie movie. And you have a priest who “kicks ass for the Lord.”

4. Shaun of the Dead (2004)

You just can’t beat this film for its sheer brilliance at every turn. It shouldn’t work - is it a comedy? Is it a zombie film? No, actually, it’s a romantic comedy. Zombies just happen to be in it. Think about it. Shaun loses his girl and has to win her back by growing up. Thanks to the zombie infestation, he does just that. That it also happens to a brilliant critique of modern culture, all the while taking the zombie genre seriously at face value (it's not a satire), is just beside the point. Which is why it's a masterpiece.

3. The Shining (1980)

Ghost stories just don’t work for me. They don’t sense. First of all, what do ghosts want? Really? Do they want you to go away? Do they want you to join them? Or are they just fucking with you? I don’t know what the ghosts want in The Shining - do they really want Jack to kill his family, or does Jack want this? Do they really want him to join them in that photograph at the end? Or is he a reincarnation of that smiling fellow in the picture? Logic aside, this might be the greatest creepfest in all of horror. How can it not be? Do you remember how you felt when you saw the opening helicopter shot of a lone Beetle driving along the mountains, with that pounding spooky electronic music in the background? Didn't you get goosebumps? How about all those wide angle tracking shots in the hallways? The SteadiCam of the kid’s Big Wheel, stalking him, chasing him through the hotel? How many times were you in a bathroom and imagined a rotting old woman rising from the bathtub? There are so many great moments in this film - that maze in the snow ! That spooky bartender! Scatman Crothers throwing that look and speaking to you... in your mind! This is one the undeniable greats. It plays like an unstoppable bad dream. Who cares if it makes no waking sense?

2. The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

Okay, some parts of this sequel are camp. And those people in the bottles? That's just plain weird. But it’s got the blind man scene. It’s got the Bride hissing. And Frankenstein speaks in this one (He was silent in the first one). It’s the greatest Universal horror film and it’s got all the great elements you expect from those films - expressionist black and white photography, milky fog, cheap sets, hammy acting, an explosion at the end - but man, the execution! There’s some great dialogue here (the whole "It's alive!" bit is in this movie, not the first one), as well as a strange opening involving Byron and Mary Shelley. And get this - it’s a personal film. For you students of James Whale, you need not look far to study because the director has injected his personality - brooding, witty, intelligent - all over this flick. And Karloff gives a masterful performance. He gives you sympathy to the monster. You feel his heart breaking when the Bride rejects him. This film is so emotional, it is nearly operatic in its dimensions. Resurrect the dead? For love? It’s all for naught at the end.

1. Psycho (1960)

A low budget horror flick made by the world's greatest filmmaker. And an inspiration to all. I read that Hitchcock was jealous of Clouzot’s Les Diaboliques and wanted to outdo him. That film involves a twist. Psycho has two twists. It’s two movies. Actually, three. The first features Janet Leigh, the second Norman (covering up for his mother) and the third Vera Miles. And it’s deceptively simple. But man, the direction! Take the parlor scene for example.(You can see it HERE). The scene really should be about Janet Leigh’s fear of being found out - she’s a girl on the run after all. But it slowly morphs into Norman’s scene. The angle on him changes. It goes lower. He becomes unhinged, just for a moment. The angle becomes high. Then he relaxes. Back to his original angle. Her angle never changes. I’d say this is the greatest horror film ever made just for the closeup low-angle shot of Norman looking at the ledger when he’s just been caught at a lie by Martin Balsam. The angle is so weird, so sinister, you can feel the wheels turning inside Norman’s head. It’s as if Martin Balsam has just sealed his fate. See it HERE.

There are so many others that are not on this list that I deem classics: The Night of the Hunter, Peeping Tom, Carrie, Suspiria, Repulsion, The Wicker Man, Cabin Fever, The Birds, Jaws.

Then there are the movies that are the best worst horror movies: Troll 2, Birdemic, Killer Klowns From Outer Space and, of course, Manos: The Hand of Fate.

And then there's a Japanese movie that's in a category of its own: Hausu.

The only thing I know for sure is there are great horror movies, there are good ones, and there are bad movies - but they're still good! In what other genre can a bad movie still be considered good? It's a great fun genre.

SHOOT IN PHILADELPHIA SCREENWRITING PANEL AND SEMINAR SERIES AT SUN CENTER STUDIOS... AND ME?

2010-11-15T12:17:00.000-08:00

I was invited by the Greater Philadelphia Film Office to be a panelist for two of the events they were holding at Sun Center Studios in Chester Township, PA. They had opened up their contest to include TV pilots. A former winner of the Shoot in Philadelphia contest, I was more than happy to help.

During PitchFest, I was mostly silent. I've been on panels before, but not on this scale. Not to mention it was surreal to be sitting next to writers I admire such as Marc Rosenthal and Joe Gangemi. Ten people came up to pitch their ideas in front of an audience. I was silent for the first two pitchees. After the third, I offered some vague feedback, sat back and poured myself a generous glass of water. I noticed my hand was shaking.

For the TV Script to Screen Panel, I shared the ten person panel with Danny DeVito, Rob McElhenney, Kaitlin Olson and Rebecca Creskoff, producer Leslie Grief, writer Derek Dressler and a surprise guest, Tony Danza.

Mr. DeVito sat silently at the center, stoicially, like the Medici he is. Mr. Danza sat on the far end of the stage. There were some whisperings about them not getting along. The only love I saw on stage was between Rob and Kaitlin, who were holding hands underneath the table during the event.

I was asked only one question, how I got started. I rambled about I wanted to see what my work looked like on its feet, wrote "Sex Ed" and was going to make it into a web series until it was suggested I try it as a pilot presentation, citing "South Park" and the guys who I was sharing the stage with as inspiration. I even mentioned the "finding the director on Craigslist" bit.

Like an amateur douchebag, I brought a bunch of DVDs to hand out to the panelists when better sense kicked in and I just handed out my business cards. I was proud to say I shook hands with both Mr. DeVito and Mr. Danza, who both offered me congrats. I also got to personally thank Rob McElhenney for inspiring me to do something as foolish as producing my own pilot.

The after party at Sun Center Studios was one of the nicest parties I've ever been to. Huge stages. As big as the ones at MGM and Fox.

Then I stole my name card.

I don't know how I got there, or why I did, but I'll never forget the Philadelphia Film Office for treating me like the VIP I one day aspire to be.

A CONVERSATION YOU HAVE WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING A CAR IN NEW JERSEY WITH A CALIFORNIA LICENSE PLACE

2010-11-13T18:55:00.000-08:00

You're at the stop light. Dual lane. You're in your car which you've driven across country from Los Angeles to New Jersey for the third time. You hear a voice from the car next to you.

A 16 yr old girl is sitting in the passenger seat. Window down.

"Hey," she says.

You figure it's "let's give direcrions" time. You roll your window down.

"Yeah?"

"Are you really from California?"

You go "Yeah."

"Do you love it?"

You say, "Yeah. You never have to scrape the frost off your windows in the morning."

"That's awesome. My name is Summer."

You tell her your name is Eric. Your real name is Ernie but no one ever enjoys meeting an Ernie.

"Do you go to Los Angeles?"

"Yeah. I live in Burbank."

"Really? That's awesome. I always wanted to go to there."

Her mother (you presume) is in the driver's seat. You believe she's rolling her eyes.

You don't know why you prolong the conversation, but you say, "You'd love it."

The light turns green.

"Have a great day."

And you're off to one of the many Jersey jughandles.

SEX ED GOES TO COMIC CON '10 (SORT OF)

2010-08-05T18:53:00.000-07:00

I bring a box of Sex Ed postcards to hand out/leave around the Comic Con floor. There's a table called "Freebies" that's intended exactly for self-promotion. There's even a line for it! So I leave a pile of cards on the table. I watch from a corner as someone sees it, takes the entire pile in his hands and THROWS it in a garbage can.

It turns out he's a volunteer at the Con. He says SEX ED isn't "authorized" (read $$$) to distribute cards on that table.

Of course, I tried the same thing last year. And the same thing happened.

I leave cards wherever I can. At Starbucks. Near pay phones. In mens rooms. Fuck it.

I wait in what turns out to be a 2-hour wait for the Scott Pilgrim Experience. While waiting under the blazing sun, the Westboro Baptist knuckleheads arrive to protest our worship of false idols. My stomach turns, but the Comic Con attendees give as good as they get.

As soon as they leave, a group of fanboys - led by Bender - march onto the spot where the Westboro Baptists were... and dance. Meanwhile, all I get for waiting in line under the hot sun is a t-shirt and free garlic bread.

I encounter the future Mrs. Vecchione. I can't wait until she comes of age.

I'm in the massive Hall H. Six thousand people strong. After the Resident Evil panel, I see everyone looking toward the rear of the auditorium. I rush past the vampires, zombies, Stormtroopers, and Catwomen to see the what the commotion is: I see several security men wrestling a man to the ground and a bloodied man beside them. The word is it's a stabbing. Within minutes word is that three people were stabbed. An hour later, Harrison Ford comes out for the "Cowboys and Aliens" panel to a five minute standing ovation. Later, it turns out it was only one person, stabbed in the eye for his seat.

It's midnight. The convention closes. I walk from a cigar and wine shop in the Gaslamp District back to my hotel. The streets are empty. I find a Sex Ed postcard lying in the gutter - blocks from where I left it. Someone must have picked it up, carried it around and finally discarded it. I view this as a great success! I have finally arrived!

OVERHEARD IN A HOTEL ELEVATOR AT THE SAN DIEGO COMIC CON, or NERDS IN AN ELEVATOR

2010-07-29T18:53:00.000-07:00

So I'm heading back to my hotel with a heavy bag of Comic Con swag over my shoulder. I walk into an elevator that has three other guys with Comic Con bags over their shoulders. Before the elevator doors close, I'm joined by five more guys with bags over their shoulders.

We ride the elevator to the upper floors. We stare at the door.

Someone breaks the silence:

"This looks to be the correct guy-to-girl ratio for Comic Con."

Everyone laughs. Someone else says:

"That's not true. I saw a really hot Princess Leia today."

Another says:

"Did you see the Wonder Woman? Man, that girl has no business being Wonder Woman."

Some more laughter. The guy continues:

"She's probably in her room crying into a pint of Haagan Daas, 'Why didn't they like my costume?'"

Some of the guys laugh.

The elevator doors open. Most of the guys leave. When the doors close, one of the remaining guys turns to me and says:

"Those guys were mean."

2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY: YAY!

2010-06-28T11:24:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it's been two solid years since arriving in LA. The plan was just to stay six weeks, but like all good plans it didn't turn out that way.

I'm feeling wistful on my Anniversary Day, so I thought I'd crunch some numbers:

Number of days spent in hotel upon arrival: 43
Number of days crashed in a friends room: 21
Number of places rented: 3
Number of parties thrown: 2

Percentage of return from my SEX ED investment: 5%
Number of people I employed for SEX ED: 78
Humber of people I should have employed: 8
Number of shooting days: 11
Number of post production days: 12
Number of weeks it took to get the DVD right: 3
Number of re-edits: 2
Number of DVDs produced: 2100
Number of DVDs distributed: 400
Number of web sites: 2
Number of festivals: 1
Number of nominations: 2
Number of wins: 0
Number of mentions in TV Guide: 2
Number of meetings as a result of TV Guide: 5
Number of possible agreements I am excited about: 1

Number of lawyers hired: 2
Number of lawyers fired: 2
Number of agencies I will have nothing to ever do with in my life so help me God: 1
Number of shark bites: 2

Number of times I went back to Jersey: 3
Number of times I drove back to Jersey: 2

Number of times I went to Disneyland: 35
Number of times I went to the beach: 5
Number of times I went to a museum: 3
Number of times I've seen The Room at midnight: 5

Number of dates in LA: 12
Number of relationships: 3
Number of relationships I knew wouldn't work: 3
Number of hearts broken: 2
Number of times I had my heart broken: 1

Number of friends made in LA: 8
Numbers of friends kept: 2

Number of scripts written besides SEX ED: 1
Number of people who read this blog: 2
Number of people who read this blog and tell others about it: 1
Number of bridges burnt: not enough data

Here are shout-out to real-life celebs I saw in person doing everyday things:

Eric Roberts - gave me a head nod while stuck in traffic
Dog the Bounty Hunter - at Le Parc
Jennifer Jason Leigh - in Whole Foods
Rhea Pearlman - in elevator at the Hammer
Leeza Gibbons, Patricia Heaton - at Le Pain in Hancock Park
Will Farrell - driving away in Whole Foods
Diane Kruger - being interviewed in Le Pain in West Hollywood
Jeff Goldblum - also in Le Pai
Flea - crossing the street in West Hollywood
Carla Gugino - getting coffee at Urth on Melrose
Dave Grohl - getting coffee in Van Nuys
Terence Howard - hiking in Runyon Park
John Barrowman - holding the door for me at Koo Koo Roo
Neil Patrick Harris - parking lot at drug store in Studio City
Teller from Penn and Teller - seeing Billy the Mime at the URCB
Ben Stein - walking down Santa Monica Blvd
Jason Patric - buying a TV at Best Buy
Edward James Olmos - lunch with his family at the Disney Cafe on Hollywood Blvd
Ileana Douglas - drinking at the Dresden
Jason Reitman - talking with someone on Sunset Blvd.
Jessica Alba - coffee at Le Pain in WeHo
Jared Harris - walking down Melrose with his family
Lukas Haas - buying cigars at the V Cut
Alex Kingston - with her family at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire
Summer Glau - shopping at the Americana

Number of interactions with above mentioned celebs: 0

I GOT NOMINATED FOR A WEBBY AWARD AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS...

2010-06-16T18:53:00.000-07:00

Considering I was about to give up on this thing two months ago, this is a sweet reward...

My speech: "You too can have this. All you need is a dream, a crew, a terrific product, and the 300 smackeroos to apply for a Webby nomination."

SEX ED HAS A NEW WEBSITE! CHECK US OUT NOW!

2010-06-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report we did a cosmetic overhaul of our official website. In addition to toting our achievements, you can view the entire show the way it was meant to be seen - in five segments - as well as read the entire script. There's also links to our Facebook, Twitter and Imdb pages, as well as this here blog.

We'll be adding more content in the future and we'll post news as it happens (and I'm happy to say there's a lot in the pipeline these days).

So enjoy and let us know what you think!

And please, spread the word.

OK GOOD STUFF TALKS SEX ED!

2010-06-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

Melodramatic!!! Blurring the lines!!! Revolutionizing the web by making viewers uncomfortable!!!

As mentioned, we're not on KoldCast anymore. But we are here.

The review begins 9:45 in.

SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH

2010-06-06T11:32:00.001-07:00

Well, it is time to say goodbye to KoldCast TV. They pursued us last year after the ITVFest and were very gracious enough to provide us a platform on their channel to reach an audience. Thanks to their outlet, we received a Streamy nomination, a Webby nomination, and a mention in TV Guide! Sadly, we could not come to terms to continue our stay...

So we're gonna broadcast it ourselves!

As the Hollywood saying goes, I wish them nothing but luck in their future endeavors.

So having been through the web machine, here's some advice I would give to newbies dealing with the (fewer and fewer) internet channels (apropos of nothing, of course...):

1) never give your content for free. Believe it or not, you're worth something to them. I wouldn't give any series or season of episodes for less than $7500. And don't settle for a promise of a piece of the sponsor money. (But if you do, it should always be 50-50). (And when it comes time to renew, do not take a penny less than what you originally got.)

2) give them a short window. Don't give them a two-year deal. If they truly want you, give them six months. In that time, you'll see how much they'll promote you. It's their job to find you and audience. If they can't find an audience for you - and that's really their job to do so, none of this "we're all in this together" bullcrap - they're not right for your show.

3) force them to submit you to all the web awards. Streamys are easy, but if the channel is really worth their weight in gold, they'll submit you to the Webbys. To submit to the Streamys costs $10, but the Webbys cost around $300 per category. Have it in your contract that they have to submit you to certain preselected Webby categories. That'll make them flinch. And don't forget about the Emmys.

And if you do get nominated, make sure they publicize it and promote you.

4) don't forget about SAG. If you've employed SAG actors, as a producer you'll need to kick back some dough to the union if your contract goes over six months. You don't want to piss off SAG, my friends. Web channels run slipshod over unions. You don't have that luxury.

5) find out what their audience is, how big their audience is and where their audience is going. If they have ten shows or a thousand, find out what's the most popular and why. Are they promoting that show more than others? Where do you fit in? How are they keeping that audience intersted in other shows? How are they in comparison with other web channels? Are people finding it? Can viewers actually spell the name of your web channel?

6) visit their offices. Really. You'll get a vibe for what the channel is and how they are doing. If they're selling furiniture out on the sidewalk you might want to redo your contract.

And finally...

7) and if you are nominated at an awards show, my friends, and you find yourself sitting in the same row as the people representing the web channel, you should have it in your contract that they at least have to say hi to you.

THE WEB AUDIENCE

2010-05-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

I was talking with my contact at KoldCast TV. Apart from the monetizing/preroll/product integration talk, I was surprised to learn three things:

One, there's a strong lesbian following for our web series. No one knows where that came from, but they're there. Cool.

Two, no matter how many nomiations or award wins or mainstream press your show gets, they just don't equal audience numbers. *

Three (and much much worse), the better your show looks, the more you alienate web viewers. The community doesn't like it when your show looks too much television because... it looks like television. The cruder your show looks, the more blatantly aggressive it is, the more distasteful, the more the web audience eats it up.

Sophisticated polished storytelling on the web? A professional cast surrounded by high production value?

Naaaaahh. Forget it. They don't like it. "They" being the Web Community.

Yep, folks... you can actually have a backlash against how good your show looks. WTF@#&%!!@#$$!!

So if the analysis is true - and I hope it's a big If - keep making your crude, backyard amateur vids with your friends, with an emphasis on the gross and immediate, and the web will watch.

So maybe the folks behind the latest Streamys Awards were right in going after the lowest common denominator with their endless parade of dick and masturbation jokes... Maybe the joke is on all of us who think doing content on the web is a serious, pioneering way of expression... Maybe we should all drop our scripts and our lofty ambitions and just go to the park and film some douchebag skateboarder falling on his nuts.

If that's so, we're soooooo royally screwed.

* This point I do not buy. I talked to a guy who runs another web channel, probably the best damn channel on the web, about taking on SEX ED. While he did say our show wouldn't fit on his channel because it looks too good (his words), Rob Barnett said when it comes to awards, "when you got it, flaunt it. It couldn't hurt." And he's won a bunch of 'em.

SLIDESHOW MARCH-MAY

2010-05-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

TV GUIDE - WHAT'S WORTH WATCHING - PAGE 3 - IN NEWSTANDS THIS WEEK - YEP, THAT'S US

2010-04-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

Looks like someone out there likes our show. Big thanks to Damian Holbrook for believing in us and Lee Wallman of Lee Wallman Public Relations. She worked for us last year - and her work is still paying off!

And a big congrats to everybody.

Spread the word!

WHO DESERVES A WEBBY? WE DO!! VOTE NOW!!!

2010-04-19T13:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, folks. We really have a chance at winning the People's Voice Winner for Best Drama. We're number two as of this writing. We really can win this, people! But we can only win if you vote for us... now!

It's easy!

1) Please go to: http://www.youtube.com/webby to register.
2) Go to the link they provide you.
3) We're under the Online Flim and Video category.
4) Look for Drama.
5) Click on Sex Ed.
6) Vote!

And while you're there, leave a comment. Bragging and trashtalking are encouraged.

Big ups to Stevie Ryan , our Eileen, for creating a very cool video using the show and our gag reel. Check it out above!

(Whoops she took it down. Damn, and it was a pretty cool montage too...)

P.S. Look for big changes coming to our site, www.sexedtheseries.com, this week!

SEX ED IS NOMINATED FOR BEST DRAMA FOR THE 14TH ANNUAL WEBBY AWARDS!

2010-04-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

Well! Guess I will be attending one more awards ceremony after all.

Big congrats to an amazing team for bringing us here.

What's weird is I woke up this morning and found the email notifying me of the nomination in my junk folder. No lie.

Here's the press release.

The dream is alive.

SHIPWRECK

2010-04-13T10:46:00.001-07:00

If you're wondering what's been going on with Sex Ed, I've been wondering the same thing. What in heck happened? Well, what can I say? Mistakes were made:

G**** Agency. In September, we were fortunate enough to have a meeting with Asshole, TV packager extraordinaire at the agency. It was a friend of a friend who got us the meeting. And all seemed well. He liked the show, had a concrete strategy. We were to go to MIPCOM in Cannes in April, provided Asshole could find us a distributor. We just had to wait til April. He poo-pooed the idea of going to networks because the "landscape was terrible." He did follow up on S******* and S***z, to no avail.

In the meantime, we maintain a good relationship. He brokers a deal with KoldCast, with very favorable terms, all the while eyeing that April date.

2009 turns to 2010. In January we talk. Asshole says he's going to NAPTE to bring up the show to various distributors. He'll phone me when he makes a contact.

A week passes. Then January passes. I follow up, calling his assistant, Little Asshole.

Can I speak with Big Asshole?

"Big Asshole's not at his office. Can I have him call you back?"

Sure. I wait.

And wait.

February passes.

I call once a week. Give him the courtesy, knowing Big Asshole's a busy guy.

Little Asshole: "Gee, sorry, Ernie, Asshole's not answering his cell. Can I have him call you back?"

"Gee, it's been almost a month. Is there a good time to reach him?"

"That's the million dollar question. Big Asshole's been in meetings all day. I talk to him every day after 5. I'll let him know you called."

February fades into March. By now, the writing's on the wall. But what happened? Change of heart? Was Big Asshole teased when he went to NAPTE? Did he have his feelings hurt? And why did he devote so much time to us - presumably in the hope of a payday - all of the sudden to drop us without a explanation?

I confront Little Asshole with all this.

Little Asshole says: "I'll be sure to let him know you called."

So April's here. I was supposed to be on the beach at Cannes, eagerly awaiting the foreign money that would help get the show made. And the only thing I did wrong was trust an agent at his word. All that time I could have been pursuing leads, other networks, even buying my own table at MIPCOM. But I heard G**** was a reputable company.

And I believed Asshole to be a man of his word.

Of course, I could be doing something wrong here. Maybe I should buy an ad in Variety saying "Why Aren't You Calling Me Back, Asshole?" I have the money. Maybe I can try a billboard. Maybe you can try to reach him. Asshole's number is 310.205.5892 and his fax is 310.278.6232. I'd give you his email but that's giving the game away, isn't it!

KoldCast TV. I have nothing but positive things to say about KoldCast TV. They pursued the show, were passionate about the show, adamantly wanted the show on their online network, and were extremely patient and accomodating during the negotiations.

The only issue I have is they were passionate about a whole lot of other shows too.

A whole lot.

My hope was that KoldCast would advertise and promote the show, thereby generating an audience and getitng us some industry attention. Who knows, maybe they could even attract a sponsor!

Well, I got the first month's numbers and... well, they weren't impressive. Certainly not the numbers I wanted, not what they wanted. But the show wasn't completely up at that time. Surely once the entire show was online, an audience would come. KoldCast would promote us on their home page. Everything would be fine.

That didn't happen.

By the time March rolled around, we were competing against several other sexually-themed shows, all of them much more popular than our show. It was strictly survival of the fittest. And we lost. Bad.

How bad? We had more hits on Youtube than we did on KoldCast.

So the Streamy Awards Nominations happen. Joanna Cassidy is nominated! Did KoldCast run a campaign to help promote her and the show? Did KoldCast take out an advert in the awards show progam, congratulating Joanna? Did we get a rise in the number of hits?

Um, no.

Shit.

Clarity. So I'm in line at will call for the Streamy Awards. I run into an industry friend who thought I fell off the face of the earth. I inform him of what's happened, telling him everything you've just read on this blog.

About the agent (aka Asshole), he asks me if I signed anything.

I said no.

Did he introduce you to the other agents at the agency?

Um. No.

"Oh, he floated you."

I ask, floated?

"Yeah, he was just seeing if there was anything to be made out of you. He was doing somebody a favor." Since we were never officially signed, we were never a client.

This explains it and confuses me at the same time because I got into a hairy situation with a lawyer over a verbal agreement.

You're trapped when you sign and you're trapped when you don't sign.

Welcome to Hollywood.

I tell him we'll be off of KoldCast at the end of the month. He asks me where am I taking it? I shrug. I'm still digesting everything that's been happening - or, lack thereof.

My friend shrugs, it's too late. The show's old news. No one is going to pick it up.

In the back of my mind, I've been anticipating the end. With the brush off I've been getting from the agent, and the indifference I've been getting overall, it's all pretty clear. The Streamys ceremony is the last hurrah. I'd better enjoy it. (I didn't)

I'm reminded of something my accountant asked me last year: "Are you prepared for failure?" I said yes. What's happened to me in the last two years is more than what's happened to be in my lifetime. At the end of the day I own a pilot. And it's good. And I'll put it on my website and when I'm six feet under I can say, "Hey, I made this." And of course, there's the blind hope that keeps this town going that nobody knows anything, you never know, it can all happen tomorrow."

Still, what a shame. I believed the show would land somehwere, I just didn't know where. Did it land and that's it? The writer in me thinks, maybe this is the second act all-is-lost point. The third act resurgance is just around the corner. Right?

THE 2ND ANNUAL STREAMY AWARDS

2010-04-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

Alas, Joanna Cassidy was not able to attend, and the fabulous Tamela D'Amico was unable to attend (she was performing at the Catalina Bar that very evening), so I had to attend in the case that she won. I don't like dressing up and being social and I really wanted to see 60 Minutes that night...

Well, the folks at Tubefilter were nice enough to squire me a ticket (general audience cost: $100 per seat). It was at the Orpheum Theater in Downtown Los Angeles. The audience was dressed to the nines. Crowded. I got my ticket and... went right up to the nosebleed seats. Thanks, Tubefilter. At least if Joanna won, I didn't have to run onstage. So I relaxed.

I check out the progam. It's 50 pages of ads and 2 pages of nominees. KoldCast doesn't have an ad. No "KoldCast congrats Joanna Cassidy on her Nomination" b.s. Oh well.

Everyone was supposed to be in their seats by 5:15. A half hour later, the show started. The ceremony started off pretty well. A musical number featuring some unknowns, something along the lines of "I Wanna Be a Web Star." Except that some of the mics were off. We were able to hear every other line. Okay, a tech glitch. Still, cute.

The host, Paul Sheer, comes out and delivers a fine monologue. Key joke: 'Anyone here shit on their iPad?" Did he set the tone for the rest of the evening? You have no idea...

There's a lot of banter at the podium. A lot of banter. For an award show that has 35 awards to give out, it's going by pretty slow.

A half hour in, a volunteer runs up to the balcony and asks if anyone wants a better seat. The show is being broadcast and they need seat fillers - stat! So I join a conga line downstairs and score an orchestra center seat. I get a little nervous. What if Joanna wins?

A musical performance by Ileana Douglas and an hour later, the host announces the show is one third done! People get out of their seats and head to the lounge for liquid support.

More podium banter. I notice there are a lot of dick jokes. I mean, a lot. You don't notice how the quality of dick jokes vary until after you've heard ten of 'em in a row. Lots of groans.

Then, a hour and a half in, the video display freezes. For what seems forever. The host vamps. The two presenters at the podium vamp. They finally get the video working, but it starts from the beginnnig of the evening. The audience cheers. A lot of them have bottles of beer in their hands.

Then, two streakers take over the stage. Nude. Male. Streakers.

It's Lord of the Flies time, people.

An elderly man sitting beside me leans over to me, visibly offended, "What is this web award thing? It should be for twenty year olds but they're aiming for 12 year olds. All this is is sex, sex, sex." I don't tell him my show is called Sex Ed.

The ceremony continues. There's another musical number. Two people jump on the stage and video each other dancing. Security pushes them out. Felicia Day presents. Two people rush the stage and go into an impromptu skit... not part of the program. She's flustered. Chris Hardwick and Lisa Nova present. And the same two people rush the stage again. For a second time. The audience is getting testy. "Throw them out!"

I realize that sitting in the same row as me is one of the peeps from Koldcast. I lean over and offer my hand. She shakes it. I lean over to talk, but she returns her attention to the show. Well... sorry to interupt your viewing.... Go Oz Girl...!

Finally, three and a half hours in, they get to the Best Actress award. Presented by David Faustino in his underwear. Yes, that David Faustino. he's a bit upset that some of his dick jokes were cut out of his opening video skit. Yes, folks, he was upset that his dick jokes were cut out.

So during the reading of the awards, I take my cell phone out. Snap a pic. I'm a little disappointed by the clip they used. I wanted Sex Ed to be nominated for the Drama category as I sincerely believe it's a dramedy, not comedy. But they chose Joanna to be in the comedy category, so who's complaining. But they choose to run a very non-funny clip of her writing "sex ed" on the board and the non-funny line after that ("after all, that's what's you're supposed to be doing" etc). Watching it, I'm reminded of how well the show looks on the big screen.

Felicia Day wins. I'm relieved, if only for myself. I wasn't going up there. After David Faustino hugs Felicia - much against her wishes, search out the video - she delivers a very graceful speech. I wish I could quote it, but she basically says how amazed she is to be in such company with well-established actresses and how she created her own role because there weren't any roles for her and now these established women are coming to the web finding their own roles because there arent any roles out there for them. She ends by saying if you have a dream, come to the web, because there's no one stopping you. It's very nice.

Then follows a self-congratulatory montage of all the nominated web shows. Every single one. Except Sex Ed isn't among them. Like we don't even exist. Very discouraging.

Kevin Pollock comes out and says "This is the best rehearsal for an awards show I've ever been to."

The ceremony is nearing four hours in. My head and ears are bleeding. I stumble to my feet, step on some dude's toe and get the heck out of there.

I'm a little sad leaving the theater. Sex Ed doesn't have that much more life in her (for reasons I'll get into in another post - watch for it in June).

I make a little vow to myself: No matter what I do from now on, no matter what I accomplish, I was incredibly privileged to have worked with such talented and geuininely good people. I can go to my grave having been part of something good...

And as God as my witness, I will never attend another awards ceremony again.

BIG CONGRATS TO JOANNA CASSIDY'S NOMINATION FOR A BEST ACTRESS STREAMY AWARD!

2010-03-01T22:36:00.000-08:00

And special thanks to those who voted via Twitter. She's in the Best Actress in a Comedy Category. And she's in great company:

Illeana Douglas - (Easy to Assemble)
Justine Bateman - (Easy to Assemble)
Joanna Cassidy - (Sex Ed)
Felicia Day - (The Guild)
Lisa Kudrow - (Web Therapy)

We're very grateful. Big thanks to all of you! (Especially to that Australian who is our biggest fan. Send me an email and I'll send you a DVD)

Postscript: I was invited to speak at the Tubefilter Panel at the Screen Actors Guild Foundation. I was joined by these following producers:

Aaliyah Williams, Producer, Buppies
Anastasia Ali, Producer, Buppies
http://buppies.bet.com

Sandeep Parikh, Creator, Legend of Neil
http://legendofneil.com

Jonathan Stern, Producer, Wainy Days
http://wainydays.com

You can see me beg for someone, anyone, to pick up our show, right here (and yes that is my hair).

A SINGLE RIDER'S GUIDE TO DISNEYLAND

2010-01-20T07:08:00.000-08:00

I’m a bona fide Disney addict. I grew up devouring all things Disney. Disney meant everything to me, especially the animations. I still think Pinocchio is a work of genius. I watched the Wonderful World of Disney every Sunday. Yes, I’m that old. I also remember typewriters, UHF and mimeographs in school.

So naturally being here on the West Coast I bought an annual pass for Disneyland. I wind up going every other weekend. Any time I need as break, feel the need to be among people, need to see fireworks, or just plain want to ride some spinning teacups, I go. My tally for visits in one year? 22 times.

Many of the times I go to Disneyland I go alone. Am I a weirdo? You bet. You think I’d be self conscious riding alone while everyone else is with families, but nah. It’s so crowded no one notices the loner. Everyone is too busy yelling and screaming at other to notice. And there are assholes wearing mouse ears, for crying out loud.

If you have the opportunity, you can go to Disneyland by yourself. Here are some tips I’ve accumulated over my 22 visits to the Happiest Place on Earth:

1. Single rider lines. Yep, if you’re alone you don’t have to wait 40 minutes with the rest of the riff raff. You, Mr. Loner, can head up to the front of the line like a VIP and sit with a complete stranger! Sure, you may feel like a douche, but who cares? These rides are dark. Just avoid looking at your sad little self at the photo booth when you exit. Rides that have single rider lines include: Splash Mountain, Soarin’, Grizzly Rapids, Toy Story Mania, the Indiana Jones Adventure, California Screamin’. These are the best rides.

2. In Disneyland, avoid walking through Adventureland and Tomorrowland. These areas become severely bottlenecked with slow-walking extended families and slower-moving strollers. On weekends, these lands are renamed Mexico City. Stay away.
　
3. If you’re waiting in a long line - say at Space Mountain, or the Haunted Mansion - amuse yourself by studying your fellow line-mates. Check out how big jeans have gotten. Or how fat arms can get. Or which Mommy is not wearing a bra.

4. I tend to walk in a straight line wherever I walk. What’s intolerable is people will always get up in front of me, or cut me off, and slow me down. That’s valuable ride time they’re taking away from me! So I tend to kick the person’s shins whoever gets in front of me. If they turn around, I say sorry. An accident. Right. I’ve also found it’s okay to kick a stroller that cuts you off. If there’s a kid inside, I kick it harder. One day I hope to kick a stroller so hard a baby flies out. And I will.

5. Do not stare at the children.

6. Do not stare at the children.

7. It’s great to listen and follow people, especially if they’re in an argument. On my last visit, I saw a young couple break up in front of me. I followed them out of Frontierland as they berated each other. “You don’t care for me, you’re so grouchy, I’m going home.” It was delicious.

(I also heard this nugget in front of the Pirates of Caribbean ride: “I’ll take my Cialis tomorrow”)

8. Take down names of a Cast Member who disappoints you and report them. From my inside connection at Disneyland, I know for a fact Disneyland listens to every complaint. So you can get a person in real trouble if you like. It’s cool to play God with a person’s job. I visit so many times, I put in the same name every time. So far I’ve registered nineteen complaints against Betsy from the Peter Pan’s Flight ride because she did not smile at me.

9. Whatever you do, stay away from other single riders! Do not talk to them. Do not acknowledge them! They will only disappoint. The women are obese with mullet heads. And the men will just remind you of you.

10. Who cares? Get loaded at California Adventure. Yes, Virginia, they serve alcohol there! I load up at the Karl Strauss kiosk. After a few IPAs, I race over to Disneyland and all of the sudden I don’t care if I’m the only one in a ladybug at the Alice in Wonderland ride. I don’t care I’m a weirdo. At Disneyland, I can forget who I am.

VOTE FOR US IN THE STREAMY AWARDS... RIGHT NOW!!

2010-01-09T16:22:00.000-08:00

It's awards time! We're entered in the 2nd Annual Streamy Awards and have officially submitted in all our eligilbe categories. The Streamys describe themselves as "primarily a merit-based awards mixed with a small splash of popularity contest."

We need your help with the popularity part.

All you have to do is click the image to start. We need you to submit for us. The cool thing is you can vote for us every day from your computer, one vote per category. You can vote for us in one category or all categories, every day, until January 19. Sounds simple? Please say yes.

No registration is required!

To make things easier, here is what we're up for:

Best Dramatic Web Series, Sex Ed: The Series.

Best Ensemble for a Web Series, Sex Ed: The Series.

Best Directing of a Dramatic Web Series, Tamela D'Amico.

Best Writing of a Dramatic Web Series, Ernie Vecchione.

Best Actor in a Dramatic Web Series, your pick of Matt Barr, Casey Graf, George Finn, Andra Fuller.

Best Actress in a Dramatic Web Series, your pick of Joanna Cassidy, Annie Abrams, Andrea Lui, Angela Sarafyan, Laura Clery.

Best Editing in a Web Series, Skip Colllector, Tim Novotney.

Best Cinematography in a Web Series, Christina Fiers.

Best Art Direction in a Web Series, Sara Cook, Elvis Strange.

Best Sound Design in a Web Series, Jeremy Grody.

Best Original Music in a Web Series, Kyle Newmaster.

All you gotta do when you submit is paste the URL of the Koldcast link - http://www.koldcast.tv/index.php/episodes/838/Sex%20Ed - and you've helped us get closer to actually winning something!

Please note we're in the Drama category.

If we do get to attend the awards thanks to your help, I promise to gossip unmercifully on this blog. And I'll do it too!

Onwards and upwards!

SEX ED: EPISODE 8 - SHOW AND TELL

2010-01-05T01:46:00.000-08:00

Hate to toot my own horn, folks, but this is the best segment of the show. I've watched this a hundred times - actually, more than that - and I know I wrote it, but every time it plays I'm surprised by it. Some quirk of the actor, some phrasing of a line. The color. The angles. The background. The costumes. The eyes! Everyone looks so great. And for eight minutes of dialogue, it's tight. It's a little masterpiece of editing and performance. Me likey.

I remember when the actors got together to rehearse. It was the first time they had seen each other since the table read. We were in a time crunch. I believe Joanna had to leave early that day. We were going to shoot it a standard way, with the students sitting in desks facing the class. Our production designer Elvis Strange (yes, that's his name and there's nothing strange about him except his name) came up with the idea of a semicircle. It was a radical idea. They brought me in to approve it. I took one look and was blown away. The whole arc of the show is that it goes from classroom to therapy. And there it was.

The actors did a quick rehearsal. It's eight pages of dialogue. And each of them just dug into it. This was their time to shine, each of them (although for some idiot reason I forgot to give Lolly any lines - but she's still vividly present, and in pink), and I sat on the floor, with my pages in hand, and I heard the characters just talking to each other.

They did it countless times and it never got boring, not to me, anyway. What a gift. I sat in the video village and when it was time for Matt Barr (Dean) to deliver his monologue about his father and life in general, I fell to pieces. I thought I had gotten over my father's death but right there and then I started grieving. I didn't write Sex Ed as a eulogy for him but man, I felt he was well served by that day. Matt delivered in two takes. I think it was two takes, it was hard to tell, I could only watch through my fingers. And it's all there in his eyes. He just looks so helpless. And that's Dean.

I showed the dailies to a friend not soon afterward. He had to call me while he was on the road home, telling me he was haunted by that performance. He still is. So am I.

Beware of the giant clay penis in the beginning. Enjoy.

A LAWYER IS A LAWYER IS A LAWYER

2010-01-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I’ve had some experience dealing with entertainment lawyers, and I thought I’d ring in the New Year and share some advice in case you find yourself in the market for one.

1. This lawyer pretty much runs the entertainment wing of his firm. In fact, when I first met him, he was the only one in the wing. But he came recommended and he has done a bang up job. Very thorough. Protective. He’s not on the West Coast, but when he comes to Los Angeles, he invites me to breakfast to catch up. We talk, gossip, schmooze. He’ll tell me no other lawyer does this for his clients, giving you his personal attention. He tells me this while he’s looking around the room, scoping for potential clients. But he picks up the bill. All is good. Right?

A little later, I receive on my statement a charge for the time we spent eating breakfast. I call him on this. He says we talked business, which means it’s a charge. But, he says, he only charged me for a half hour, when we spoke and ate for an hour.

If I knew I was eating the most expensive steak and eggs I ever had in my life I'd have chewed a little slower.

So I can’t recommend this guy.

2. This lawyer is low-key. Very friendly. We’d been flirting about meeting for a while, so it was no surprise when we finally did meet. What struck me odd was the layout of his office. I sit on a couch that was to the side of the wall, perpendicular to his desk. I have to strain my neck to see him. Plus the couch is six inches off the floor. He sits behind his leather seat, looking like Moses on the mountain. This, no doubt, is done for effect. He offers me a bottle of iced tea. I have to reach up to get it from his desk.

We talk. I mention the lawyer who charges his clients for breakfast. He laughs. He doesn't do that. He tells me no lawyer should do that. This relaxes me - as much as I can be relaxed on the couch, which really should be facing his desk, but instead is perpendicular to his desk... oh, this is no big deal... Right?

After the meeting, I ask to have my parking validated. He says, Oh no, they don’t do that here. Do you know how expensive that is? His company couldn’t pay that!

So I leave the meeting with these thoughts : not only does he humiliate his clients by having them basically sit on the floor, he stiffs them for the eight bucks for parking so his company can make its rent for another month.

So I can’t recommend this guy.

A lawyer is a lawyer is a lawyer. If you pay them their retainer and the check clears, they’ll do their job. They’ll even research your case and charge you for their time. They’ll pretend to care. Hell, everyone pretends in this biz. Just don’t expect courteous behavior. Or respect.

If you do, just know it costs extra.

Good luck hunting!

Note: what kills me if both guys are originally from Philadelphia, my hometown. Geesh!

IN PRAISE OF SOLSTICE: THE BLAND PLEASURE

2009-12-22T21:35:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here’s a movie that’s never going to make anyone’s top ten horror list… other than mine. For some strange reason this is a flawed film that I just cant get enough of. I’ve probably seen it more times than the filmmakers. Really.

Guilty pleasure? Nah. This film isn’t bad enough for that. Showgirls is a Guilty Pleasure. Jennifer’s Body is a Guilty Pleasure.

Solstice is a film that will never be controversial. It will never inspire a reaction more than "Well, that was... nice." But for me, Solstice soothes me. It puts me in state of relaxation. It features characters that have become friends. And the film isn’t very challenging. It just lays there. Like pleasant wallpaper. Let’s call it a Bland Pleasure. But the film has its merits, and they are surprising.

It starts off like your typical teens in a cabin on a weekend. There’s a crappy montage of them driving to their retreat. There's a requisite stop at the local convenience store. There’s even a creepy if subdued R. Lee Ermey as the crusty local neighbor.

Sounds like your typical body horror setup, right? Nope. Just when you expect R. Lee to burst in hacking and slashing away at these teens, instead... nothing really much happens. There’s a lot of time spent on our lead girl, who believes the ghost of her recently deceased sister is haunting her. Yep, folks, it's not your typical teen horror flick. It’s actually a supernatural ghost story. And (SPOILER ALERT!) R. Lee Ermey is one of the good guys!

The whole event is pretty subdued. Not much happens here. The characters are bland (it doesn’t help that most of them come from FOX and the WB - hey, what’s Amanda Seyfried doing here?) Elisabeth Harnois is our heroine Megan, and she’s one of those actors who won’t let you catch her acting. Nope. Instead of her emoting, or performing, or doing anything that might let us in to the character, she stares. And stares. With her cat eyes. And thinks. She’s thinking of... something. But what? She'll never tell. Must be a Canadian thing.

No matter. She’s being haunted. Ah well. You don’t go to horror movies for their performances.
　
By the time you reach the denouement after a stockpile of cliches and some "this is almost bad but not quite" moments, you realize there was some actual clever subterfuge at work on the filmmakers part. The ending is quite surprising and unexpected. Not monumental, by the way. But still, surprising. They've set you up one way, and they’ve led you in a whole new way. and kudos for that. You were expecting a typical slasher film and you get a sensitive ghost story instead.

The ending has a payoff: a good chase scene in the rain, with some bodies mounting. There's the message that the sins of the past will catch up to you. And there’s the nifty effect of a ghost that’s a muddy shadow with two red glowing eyes. And when it’s over, you realize, hey, that was not what I was expecting at all - in a good way. And I for one appreciate that.

Ok, so none of the characters are actually memorable. The dialogue is bland and unforgettable. It doesn't even offend to the terrible. The situations do not go beyond the anguish of what you would see in a UPN show. The whole affair is strictly PG-13. The scares are done mostly in the editing. Flashes of memory. And it’s got the ol’ dream within a dream nightmare gag. But it’s shot pretty - surprisingly well given the low budget. Great atmosphere. It’s shot in Louisiana, and you realize more films should be shot there.

This was the followup by Daniel Myrick, formerly co-director of the Blair Witch Project. It’s also a remake of a 2003 Swedish horror film, Midsommer (good luck finding that). I don’t know if anyone involved in it is proud of it. It went direct to DVD with hardly any fanfare, courtesy of the Weinstein Group. But I like watching it. It’s almost so bland I seem to forget what happens next, so I’m surprised when I’m watching it. Yep. Instant amnesia. It goes in your eyes and slips out of your memory. Politely. If this film had any edge, it would be the edge from a plastic knife. Does every movie have to be challenging?

So I'm here to praise Solstice, not bury it. It's toothless, but enjoyable. A good film. Nourishing? Well. Not quite. It's your DVD equivalent of rice pudding. But who doesn't like rice pudding once in a while?

'SEX ED' SHOW US SEX COMEDY ISN'T BEATEN UP YET

2009-12-22T12:58:00.000-08:00

A new Tubefilter review is posted here. The reviewer admits fatigue from online sex comedies, but it seems like we've won him over. He says if the writing can "open up" the show can be less Van Wilder and more like NBC's Community. I wonder if he'd change his opinion after viewing the remaining 3 episodes.

SEX ED BRINGS A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO "AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL"

2009-12-20T01:31:00.000-08:00

There's a blog on Koldcast which I quite like (read it here). There's something about our show being perceived as a dirty After School Special I really relish.

And Tubefilter's Pass the Mustard web critic chimed in on our first few segments. It's the first time anyone's called the show a cross between The O.C. and Porky's. I have to agree with him about the show being somehow "Los Angeles" without coming out and saying so. But cheesey as hell? WTF&$%#!

... AND BACK AGAIN

2009-11-14T15:17:00.001-08:00

I spend most of my time in Jersey (about four weeks) watching movies: Christine, Cabin Fever, Carrie, Dead Girl, Inside, A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy, Miracle Mile, The Rapture, Mean Girls, Last House On the Left (2009), My Bloody Valentine (original), Drag Me To Hell, Happy Birthday To Me, Friday the 13th Part 3-D, Teeth, John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns, Solstice, Last American Virgin, High Tension, Final Destination 3, Eden Lake, Quarantine, Dead Silence, The Virgin Spring, The Silence, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, The Mist, The Reaping, The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad, The Woods, Trick 'R Treat, An American Werewolf in London, and the Abominable Dr. Phibes. Can you see a pattern here, folks?

So I'm trying to write my own kind of horror movie, and as any writer can tell you, it's fun and perplexing to see how an idea evolves. I certainly am. I get stuck on the ending. So I figure the drive back will give me planty of time to think and rethink the story. By the time I reach L.A., the whole script will have been written in my head. Right?...

In Indiana, I'm accompanied by a ladybug for about 30 miles...

The ladybug departed, I finish off Indiana and enter Missouri...

I parallel Route 66 all along the way, and stop by the Route 66 Museum in Clinton, Oklahoma...

That's pretty much my route...

I drive through Shamrock, Texas...

... pay my respects to the Leaning Tower of Texas in Groom, Texas...

... and the Jack Rabbit Trading Post in Joseph City, Arizona...

Happiness is a Cheeseburger With Cheese (that's what they call 'em), fries and root beer float at Delgadillo's Snow Cap Drive In in Seligman, Arizona (home of the famous Dead Chicken)...

So you wanna see the world famous Grand Canyon Skywalk? That'll be 80 dollars, White Man. Oh, and you can't take pictures when you're on it. Got it, Kemo Sabe?

If you squint your eyes, that's supposed to look like an eagle spreading its wings.

Since Grand Canyon West is not a National Park (it's privately owned) there are no guard rails. Just this. Safe, yes?

That crack goes all the way down.

The world famous 80 dollar Skywalk. Much smaller than I'd been led to believe. And not as scary. Did I mention it was 80 dollars?

That crack fascinated me. Freudians, make of that what you will...

Yep, eighty dollars...

After 2900 miles, I decide I shouldn't have voiceover in my script. That's it. Thanks for the clarity, America...

THERE...

2009-11-14T13:33:00.000-08:00

Getting representation for your project is the Holy Grail for many aspiring people. It's like foraging through a primeval forest and reaching the other side to find... a river you can't cross. You must wait for someone to ferry you. What once was a marathon of yeses and success has now become... stasis.

So... how 'bout another trip across country? See the folks, pet the cat, get away from all the empty people?

Sure why not!

After a stopover in Vegas, I drive through Utah...

Lotsa rocks...

Lotsa salt...

I pass a sign that said "No Phone No Gas No Service For the Next 100 Miles". They weren't kidding... Nothing to the left of me for miles, nothing to the right... No picture can do the journey justice, but let's say it was just like driving on the moon...

Finally made it to South Park country. Yep, those are the Rockies..

I skip on the Denver Beer Fest (my loss) and crossed into Nebraska. All in one 16 hour day.

Day Two I passed whatever that thing was...

In Iowa, the clouds are so low...

Nothing much to report on Illinois...

... or Indiana.
Day Three I cross into Ohio...

... I stop for a rum cream pie at the Farnsworth Inn in Gettysburg, PA and...

... finally collapse in nervous exhaustion onto the floor of my condo in Jersey.

NIL DESPERANDUM

2009-11-14T13:19:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened since August. Most of it involves me putting miles on my car in fearful escape. But here are the headlines:

Sharked by strangers. We continued to hit the press after our festival run. We stoked the embers of the little heat we got, trying to send some sort of smoke signal to the skies. We really wanted to get an agent out of this. And lo, out came the sharks. One I introduced you to in my Conversation with a Legend. But the others go by the name of ‘business managers.” And they really take the cake.

Business managers are the new species. They tout themselves as a combo of lawyer, agent and manager, all wrapped in one convenient, percentage-heavy package. You don’t have to have any experience to be one. Hell, one of these sharks was a registered CPA. But they’re passionate about you and your project and will only take a percentage once you get a deal.

Great, I say. How about telling me your business plan?

Oh no, they can’t tell us that. They can’t tell us anything until the documents are signed.

But, I ask, why would I sign with a perfect stranger unless you tell me what you can do for me?

It’s at this point that business managers become flabbergasted. “Oh, I have experience in this. You don’t. I don’t make any money until you make money.”

I tell them that it’s impossible. Thanks for your interest -

“But wait,” they say, clinging onto the phone. “Put yourself in my shoes. You got your project at so-and-so network without an agent, without a manager, without a business manager.”

It’s true. We did. All we did was call the right people and they were interested and we sent our show and our materials to them.

“Yeah. So?”

‘If I tell you who my contacts are, what’s to prevent you from going to them without me?”

Was he really that fearful of me? I almost felt sorry for him. Almost. But what Kafkaesque labyrinth did I enter? What Abbott and Costello routine did I fall into? Sign with someone who won’t tell you what his plan is?

Well, put simply: a shark is a shark. Its purpose is to be a shark. Prey upon the stupid. Everyone knows this. I may be from Jersey, but I didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday.

But what sucks is that they think I’m that stupid.

Ask not what your agent can do for you. Well, by sheer happenstance, we did land an agent. A good one. And, I feel, the right one. He’s in a Top Five Agency (or Top Six, depending on who you ask), and he runs the TV Packaging Wing. And he actually gave us a plan.

It’s not a pretty one.

The landscape is barren for scripted TV. I asked how many scripted show runners this agency represents. He said none, unless you count variety show runners. Why? Because there aren’t that many scripted shows out there.

He gave us a list of networks where the show would be a perfect fit. It’s not a long list. But he gave us some whammy information, something I had not ever considered. I’ll be able to make my money back. Maybe be able to raise money to continue the show. Produce it without network interference. It involves taking a trip overseas in April and I’ll leave it at that. What’s cool is he’s protecting my ownership of the show. I had previously thought: produce the show, sell it, and beg to be involved with it. Turns out being the owner actually is a good position to be in.

But owning something that brings in zero means I own zero.

“Too young.” Not even a write-up on TV Guide telling them that we were their next big show could convince this network that we were right for them. “Too young,” they said. Not a surprise. But still… Since when is being “young” a disadvantage?

We’ll go to them again. A rejection is never a final no. It just means we have to come back when a) our show gets some juice, or b) the people who said no get fired. Whichever comes first. (Hopefully the latter)

So we go down the list. One network rejected it solely based on the subject matter. Didn’t even watch it. We’re waiting on others. We’re still waiting. Mad Men took seven years to make it on the air. We haven’t finished our third month.

And I’m not getting any younger.

TV GUIDE (MAGAZINE.COM) SEZ...

2009-09-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

A GLIMPSE INTO DEVELOPMENT HELL - PART ONE

2009-08-25T13:33:00.000-07:00

ITVFest hosted a panel called “Development: Executives Explain.” On the panel were Scott Freeman, Executive Vice President of Current Programming for Bunim/Murray Productions, Justin Levy, Vice President of Scripted for MTV, Monika Zielinska, Manager of Development & Original Programming at Comedy Central, Andy Weil, a development executive at BermanBraun, and a writer, David Bickel.

Here are some of the notes I took:

When asked how important is was for a pilot maker to bring a copy of their completed pilot to a pitch meeting, Scott Freeman said visuals are good (illustrations, maybe a two-minute reel), but making your own pilot was a “waste of time.” In any pitch, he said, you’re trying to make them say no. “Too much is a bad thing,” he said. If you finished your pilot you’ve wasted your time because there’s nothing for them (the development people) to do.

The room fell silent. I believe you could actually hear a shudder pass from audience member to audience member.

The moderator immediately grabbed the mic and reminded him - and the rest of the panel - that ITVFest was a festival showcasing self-made pilots. Scott did a quick rebound, clarifying that he didn’t mean to say it was a ‘waste of time,” that it’s “admirable” to produce your own pilot, yada yada.

But it was too late. If Mr. Freeman had slapped each of us in the face with a cold wet hand, it would have had less effect than what he had just said:

DEVELOPING YOUR OWN PILOT IS A WASTE OF TIME BECAUSE IT GIVES DEVELOPMENT EXECS NOTHING TO DO.

And Justin Levy added to that when he said MTV “never takes a fully produced pilot.”

Justin Levy was asked about his day and his role in development. He said he hears 7-8 pitches a day. He has money to develop and produce 10 pitches. A year. He says he knows a good pitch when he hears it and it hits him on a gut level. And sometimes his money runs out. I had the image of a kid with an allowance and when he blows it, that’s it for the year.

He talked about NBC and how different it is now with the economic landscape: NBC used to develop 70 scripts. Out of those 70, 10 were made into pilots. Maybe 3 went on to series. Now it’s down to 10 scripts developed, 1-2 make it to pilot and 1 will make it to series.

Monika Zielinska said at Comedy Central they develop 10-20 scripts a year, but with minimal budgets (the cable station simply has no money). Out of those 10-20 scripts, 4 will be made into pilots. 2-3 will make it to air.

When the pilots are ready they screen them for their higher-ups in an audience setting. Whichever gets the best response gets on air. At that point, the show that she had in developing was out of her hands. She said this very matter-of-factly.

She was asked about Comedy Central’s audience. The answer was quick: males 18-24. MTV said their audience was even thinner: 16 year old girls.

Then the panelists started chiming in. Every cable station has a brand. It’s your job to fit your product into their brand. Be ready to change.

Andy Weil said the SECOND most honest and alarming thing I’ve heard at a panel: development people are always trying to justify their jobs. So... listen to them. Make them feel part of the process. If they give you a joke use it. Because when they see it broadcast, they’ll feel invested in your show.

David Bickel, the lone writer in the room, said THE most honest and alarming thing I’ve heard at a panel:

“You don’t have to give them everything. Take their notes, but you don’t have to completely adjust your show... Just give ‘em... 80 percent.”

So that was it. I had a million questions for them - such as “how many good ideas go through this process?” “What are their qualifications to develop material and how did they get there?” "Is this teh best way to develop material for air?" and “Are you proud of this process and how proud are you of what finally goes on air?” - but I was too much of a coward. With one exception they were all young, low-key, proud, passionless.

The exception, of course, was the writer. He seemed antsy, out of place. Like a chicken on a panel about foxes.

The thing with Sex Ed is - of course we want to be developed! We want success. We made this as a pilot presentation. We made it look good. Too good, almost, because everyone who sees it asks us what network is it on. But nothing can be too good. We would embrace the development process because we need it.

But waste of time?

SORRY IF WE'VE DONE SOME OF THE HOMEWORK AHEAD OF YOU.

Now, not everybody can produce their own pilot, but more and more people are doing it themselves. With cable stations laying off people - MTV laid off most its development staff last week - TV is looking for newer more innovative ways to develop material while cutting cost. In other words, they’re looking for the cheaper alternative.

Change will never be welcome by the industry, until it’s too late. Look at the cinematographers who five years ago said digital will never replace film. Look at them now.

Completely unrelated, I had just seen James L. Brook’s “I’ll Do Anything” and there’s a scene where a struggling actor, played by Nick Nolte, overhears the smug and vicious talk among a group of casting people. Here are some excerpts:

MATT
Where did they find you?

MALE D PERSON
What?

MATT
You know, I’ve always thought that people in your job had to have some qualifications. I mean, forget common decency for a minute, okay?

Matt rises and walks towards the Male D Person.
　
MATT
You know, I always had a firm idea about acting, you know? That you just shut up and act. And I’ve always believed that you forget about all the crap that you can’t control. But my God, man, I mean, WHERE DID THEY FIND YOU? Okay, all right. I know… It’s a business. Nobody ever put a gun to anybody’s head. Nobody put it up there and said, “Okay, now you gotta act.” But doesn’t somebody in your job still have to have at least some dull feeling of respect for people who really do know what they’re doing?… Don’t you have to know something besides how to pose for this picture of you that nobody’s snapping?

MALE D PERSON
Hey why don’t you just mind your own business?

Matt is very close to him--he shakes his chair.

MATT
Because you're minding my business… And that's the problem.

CONVERSATIONS WITH A LEGEND

2009-08-13T17:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I’m referred by a friend of a friend to the website of what appears to be a legend. He’s on in years but man, the list of this man’s achievements is overwhelming. I kid you not. He’s semi-retired now and is in business for himself.

I send him an email introducing himself and I follow up with a phone call.

Instead of getting his secretary or assistant, the man himself answers.

“WHO IS THIS?”

I tell him I’m Ernie Vecchione, I’m with a show called Sex Ed and I-

“WHO?”

I explain myself again. I tell him I sent him an email -

“MY COMPUTER IS DOWN. I GOT A GUY IN MAINE WORKING ON IT. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? HE’S FIXING MY COMPUTER AND HE’S 3000 MILES AWAY.”

I give him my spiel. He seems interested. Can I drop off the materials to him today? Sure, drop by anytime. He works from home now. He says he’ll kick out the housekeepers and three dogs so we can have a meeting.

I arrive at his Studio City house with Tamela. Gorgeous house. He opens the door. He’s six foot, has hair like Ben Franklin and is wearing a greasy t-shirt. He leads us into his living room. There’s a sheet over the couch, which is where we’re supposed to sit. The place smells like - how to put it? - pee. I can only hope it is dog pee.

Ok, who cares? He’s a legend, right? With over 40 years working at big Hollywood studios.

He regales us with stories: how when he was working at Universal they screened a movie and the chief of the studio said what a piece of crap, what do we do with this? The legend spoke up and said, “I KNOW WHAT TO DO… BECAUSE THAT MOVIE WAS MY CHILDHOOD. AND THAT MOVIE, KIDDOS, WAS CALLED… (dramatic pause)… AMERICAN GRAFFITI.“

Somehow Groucho Marx comes up in conversation. He tells us when Groucho was asked “HOW COME HARPO NEVER SPOKE?” Groucho answered:

“BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO SAY.”

We tell him our situation. We just finished a festival run. We need his help. Can he get us an agent? Can he get us press?

He tells us he can get us at any agency.

He tells us he can get us an article in the NY Times.

“WHAT WAS THE BUDGET ON THIS?”

I tell him.

He says he’ll watch our show tonight. But not without telling us a story about Robin Williams. Did we know that after John Belushi died Robin Williams went totally clean?

I say, “You got a lot of stories.”

“I’M WRITING A BOOK ABOUT IT."

Tam and I leave thinking, sure, he’s dotty, he lives in a house that smells like a nursing home, but he is a legend...

Next day. 2 o’clock. Haven’t heard from him. I call him up.

“WHO IS THIS?” he bellows.

I tell him I’m Ernie.

“WHO?"

I say I’m Ernie. From yesterday. We met yesterday. Has he gotten a chance to watch the show?

"WHAT SHOW?”

I remind him. He remembers. And apologizes. He was so tired yesterday he fell asleep. He tells me an anecdote about James Cagney and then promises to watch the show that evening...

Later. I’m having dinner when the phone rings.

It’s the Legend. He’s watched our show.

“GOOD JOB, KIDDO. I THINK I CAN HELP YOU.”

I’m relieved. This man has connections.

“WHAT WAS THE BUDGET ON THIS?”

I tell him. Again.

He tells me he can get my money back. I say, Great, what ideas do you have for us?

“I CAN’T TELL YOU THAT UNTIL THE PAPERS ARE SIGNED. I’LL NEED TWO MONTHS AND $8000 CASH.”

I gulp and say, ok, that’s steep. Can he get us an agent?

“OH THAT’S HARD.”

Um, ok. Do you think you get us into the NY Times?

“OH NO. FOR THE TIMES YOU’D NEED TO BE IN A FESTIVAL.”

I start to grit my teeth. I tell him we’ve just been in a festival.

“HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT SUNDANCE?”

The Sundance Channel? Sure. We’d love to be considered there. Do you have any connections -

“NO THE SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL. I KNOW A GUY THERE. YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF HIM… HIS NAME… (dramatic pause)… IS ROBERT REDFORD.”

I explain to him we’re not a film. We’re a TV show. He has ideas, but won’t tell me until the contract is signed.

He keeps calling our show a “movie.” After a while I stop correcting him.

He tells me of a youngster - “YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF HIM. HIS NAME… (dramatic pause)… WAS STEVEN SPIELBERG” - who had a hard time starting out. First he did Sugarland Express, then “some truck movie” and then… came Jaws. They wanted to fire him midway through shooting… did I know that?

Everyone in this town knows that story. But I don’t say anything.

"YOU GOT A GOOD MOVIE, KIDDO. YOU NEVER KNOW. SO... WHEN CAN I EXPECT THE MONEY?"

I tell him I’ll email him. He says his computer is down.

“YOU KNOW I GOT A GUY IN MAINE WORKING ON IT. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? HE’S FIXING IT AND HE’S 3000 MILES AWAY.”

Before he hangs up he tells me a story.

About Groucho Marx.

About why Harpo never spoke.

“AND YOU KNOW WHAT GROUCHO SAID?"

I cringe.

"HE SAID… (dramatic pause)… BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO SAY.”

Heheh. I fake a laugh.

‘YOU KNOW I’M WRITING A BOOK ABOUT ALL THIS.”

I leave it at that.

Talking with him reminded me of talking to my father before The End. Kinda scary. Funny in retrospect. I don’t think we’ll be using him.

The man is a legend, to be sure. I’ll be the first one to buy his book.

I just wish I caught him a few years earlier.

GOODBYE, ITVFEST

2009-08-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

After 40 comedy and drama pilots, webseries and documentaries screen for the public, ITV announces the winners of each category, including the Audience Awards for Best TV Show and Best Webseries.

Sex Ed doesn't win any of them. We don't even walk away with any of the consulation prizes, like Best Writing or Cinematography. Or Best Accent (which was won by the Scottish creator of "The Honkys").

Who knew what the decision-making process was? Who knew who the judges were (if any)? This is only the festival's 4th year, and appeared to be singlehandedly run by a husband and wife team. No one knew what criteria was, and no one ever will. But I'd be a fool not to be grateful for the amazing experience they gave us, so thank you AJ and Jenny Tessler.

I could only guess on why we lost:

1) at 44 minutes, we were too long. The trend for TV is half hour, even in cable. We were the longest show in the competition, and we simply don't fit what people are looking for.

2) the 800 Pound Gorilla Syndrome. We sold out our premiere screening. We held our own red carpet. We brought our own press. We held our own party. The festival was happy to accomodate us, but we burdened them. And on top of everything else, we created a lot of waves. Not all of the good kind.

I attended a few mixers after the event, and several fellow pilotmakers came up to me and asked, "How did you do that? What did you do to garner so much press?" I told them all we did was throw a party and invite people. That's all it took. I'm trying to be as modest as possible, but I'd be an idiot if I couldn't sense some degrees of envy.

This was an independent festival. All of us were in the same boat. Trying to get attention, trying to get a pickup deal so we can continue with our dreams. I had the means to get some attention. And we got it.

Perhaps the thinking was when they were doling out the awards was that Sex Ed didn't need an award. That we didn't need the festival. Which wasn't true.

The final reason could be

3) we just weren't good enough. 'S possible. Hmrm.

I saw a lot of pilots during the week. A handful really stood out to me -- and they didn't win any awards either! They were:

- Wired City - hands down the best pilot I saw. The networks have tried to create a male Sex and the City, and failed. This one worked. From its high production value, writing, acting and directing, this felt like the real deal: a pilot that laid out its tone, its characters and its future storylines in a fast, funny, ready for TV way. I would have been proud to lose to these guys, were they in the same category as Sex Ed (Wired City competed for comedy, Sex Ed for drama). But they won nothing. And they deserved to win. Welcome to awards ceremonies.

Check 'em out:

http://www.myspace.com/wiredcitytv

- Dangerous Women - a webseries combined into a pilot, this features the original three women from The Evil Dead as suburban housewives whose desperation unleashes dopplegangers onto the world, which wreaks havoc upon their lives. This pilot felt like the first twenty minutes of a really cool movie - a movie I would gladly buy. The acting and directing were very cool and very fresh. The pilot left you wanting more, badly.

The potential for this show is sky high, either as a movie or a series:

http://www.strike.tv/show/dangerous-women/

Imaginary Bitches - this hysterical webseries has been around for a while. It's compiled many awards - including one from ITV for Best Writing, and deservedly so.

I was really proud for Sex Ed to be competing with this, because I had originally envisioned Sex Ed as a webseries a year ago, and Imaginary Bitches is one of the few webseries I actually thought worked for a long term basis.

I was fortunate enough to meet the writer-creator Andrew Miller. I told him I bought a DVD of the first season of the show off of Amazon.com. He told me to keep buying because he's been trying to raise money for a second season. Everyone worked free on the first season. And even though his show got a lot of press, awards and media attention, there's no money to be found.

I had thought Sex Ed would make an excellent webseries should all else fail, but now I realize it's television or nothing for us. Unless you do it for free and hope for the best, webseries is not a viable option for long-running success.

Still, Imaginary Bitches is amazing. Buy a DVD from Andrew, please:

http://imaginarybitches.com/imaginarybitches/Home.html

- Good Sam and Max - I was fortunate enough to meet the creators of this, a balls-to-the-wall post-apocalyptic Mad Max-inspired actioner showcasing a hot girl roaming the zombie-filled desert with her protector - a gun-toting teddy bear.

You read that right.

These guys are accomplished filmmakers. They involved you in the action, made you feel every beat of the story. And even though you are laughing your ass off every step of the way, it's played totally straight. This was better than anything I've seen on Adult Swim, and I love Adult Swim.

My hat's off to these guys for actually trying to do something unique, as opposed to the many other pilotmakers in the fest who are following in the footsteps of other shows already on the air. A copy of a copy of a copy. Good Sam and Max aimed to be visionary. And they hit it out of the park.

They won best cinematography from ITV. They deserved more. Catch the trailer on YouTube or go to their site:

http://www.goodsamandmax.com/

SOME PRESS LINKS, Y'ALL

2009-08-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

http://www.jillgolick.com/2009/07/sex-ed-the-pilot

http://tracking-board.com/?p=5498

http://www.delainadixon.com/blog/?p=389

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1285180/news#ni0909954

http://www.delainadixon.com/blog/?p=374

http://guestofaguest.com/los-angeles/sex-ed-premieres-at-laemmle-theatre-in-west-hollywood/

http://www.xbiz.com/news/novelty/111340

http://business.avn.com/articles/36015.html

http://www.allaboutjazz.com/php/news.php?id=40429

SEX ED WORLD PREMIERE SCREENING AND AFTERPARTY, AUG 2

2009-08-08T09:54:00.001-07:00

The gals of Sex Ed. Jennifer Johnson, Laura Clery, Joanna Cassidy, Tamela D'Amico, Angela Sarafyan, Andrea Lui.

The guys. Matt Barr, Casey Graf, some dwarf, Andra Fuller, George Finn, Louis Morabito.

Actors Ernie Hudson and Andra Fuller.

Actress-singer Q'Orianka Kilcher.

Tara Shea.

Andrea Lui.

Laura Clery.

Louis Morabito. Joanna Cassidy.

Angela Sarafyan.

Producer-director Tamela D'Amico.

George Finn.

Tamela D'Amico, Matt Barr.

Andrea Lui.

Casey Graf.

Matt Barr, Casey Graf, Andra Fuller, George Finn.

Sound supervisor Jeremy Grody, producer-director Tamela D'Amico, writer-executive producer Ernie Vecchione, actor Louis Morabito.

Producer-director Tamela D'Amico and director of photography Christina Fiers.

Tamela D'Amico, Joanna Cassidy, some stupid fat hobbit.

It was Joanna Cassidy's birthday on Sunday.
Matt Barr plugs one of our party sponsors, Adam & Eve Ale.

Actress Leila Arcieri and Andra Fuller.

Ross Ippolito and Director of photography Christina Fiers.

The fabulous Joanna Cassidy.

THOUGHTS OF A PILOTMAKER WATCHING HIS OWN PILOT IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE FOR THE FIRST TIME

2009-08-05T01:29:00.001-07:00

Standing in the back. Thirty seconds of silence in blackness between the sponsor film and our pilot. Projectionist forgets to turn off audio as he loads BluRay onto HD projector. Audience hears DVD menu sound and music before it abruptly turns off. Amateurish. I start to sweat and don't stop for 40 minutes.

Opening teaser. Some chuckles as Kate unveils arsenal of vibrators in bathroom. You don't see that in a movie theater! Should have lasted longer... Laughs with yoga ball instructor... Relentless images of characters masturbating batter down upon audience. They're not sure what to think... Projection creates a washed out video look on the screen. I liked the closeup of Lolly as she climaxes. The effect is she's completely flushed, almost junkie-like. Colors still manage to pop, though.

First classroom scenes. Dean-Milo scene, although experly acted, doesn't seem to land. "Hi player" line mystifies... Lolly-Kate scene much better. Big laugh with "Not you" and Lolly's reaction... Billy-Stormy scene instant hit. Audience loves them. They get who they are immediately.

Trevase enters. Kicking kissing students out doesn't work. I feel like professor is talking Chinese. Audience doesn't react again until assignment is announced. Nothing else plays... i'm panicking, really bad. I feel audience is watching a very expensive home movie. It's not working. I'm sweating like a racehorse. I seriously think about packing my bags for New Jersey.

Big laughs at "the part about fucking" and "you're deranged." Shot of Rex gets an even bigger laugh. Should have made whole show about him.

Breathe sigh of relief when we're out of the classroom. Why so much resistance from audience? It's the writing. Too wordy. Should have avoided the opening and gotten to the assignment sooner. Bad job, Ernie. Go home. But the good stuff is coming...

Dean-Milo scene goes over okay.

Lolly-Al phone call gets laughs. They like her and her ditzy pushiness. Finally!"Bring your penis" line gets a nice big laugh, but it overshadows the reveal of Al's Baptist class. Two jokes on top of each other.

Billy-Stormy scene enchants. No matter what they do, audience responds to them. They could watch them all night.

The big relief to me is how well the Kate-Sarah Ann scene goes. Audience seems to love how obnoxious Sarah Ann is, all without hating her. Very tricky stuff. first bomb of the night: the flavored condoms gag. I could hear the crickets. Kate's reaction to Sarah Ann's Japanese gets first full audience laugh of the evening. Sarah Ann's "No Japanese... anywhere" carries it. Scene saved. I could kiss both actors.

Audience seems to sit up for Billy arriving at Stormy's house and are instantly disappointed there isn't more to it.

The visual of Milo measuring himself gets silence. I've lost momentum. Damn.

Dean visiting sorority loses it more. No one seems to like the Pocahontas costume, but they LOVE the cowboy.

Some nice laughs at "no intention of showing you my twat." Rest of scene sputters.

Milo in the library. We lose audience. Again. Too broad, too in-your-face. All along i knew I was trying out different styles of comedy in this pilot. I realize the serious error of that.

Back to Billy-Stormy. Big laughs at Armenian game show.

Sarah praising her own vagina in the mirror gets lot of laughs. This works.

Dean-Lolly lounge scene. "How's you're cock" gets laugh. Rest of their scene goes okay. too verbal?

Milo and the dog. Put simply, it didn't play from where I was standing. Too American Pie among the other shifting styles.

Sarah-Kate drunk scene. Some howls at bubble gum line. Feel like I'm battering audience over the head with the lines but audience digs it. They really get excited when Sarah starts petting her "perfect vagina" sculpture. Hooded clit monologue works. For a scene that everyone thought (including me) was too long, it cooks. I've stopped sweating.

Classroom. Billy-Stormy presentation charms.

Kate-Sarah debate plays wonderfully. Audience gets who these people are... Sarah's revelation of PID catches everyone by surprise. I wonder if it's believable or too belabored.

Al's speaking up works. He's less preachy, more conversational in this version. He's a real character... Big laugh at Kate's "it's always the good looking ones." Who knew Kate could be funny?

Dean's revelation gets more laughs than I ever intended. From his piping up of "I am" to his father's absurd advice, it's playing more like comedy. The dramatic Alzheimer's turn definitely catches everyone by surprise. It's a sharp turn in tone the way it plays now. But Dean's sincerity wins them over. Saved by acting.

Cancer scene. The energy between Dean and Trevase is magnetic. Trevase holds your attention throughout. The audience becomes Dean in this scene, shifting in their seats, unsure of how to feel or react. At this point I'm losing focus watching this. This scene is too special to me. When Trevase finally breaks into laughter, audience gasps, it takes the audience a long moment to register what's just happened. They laugh, only out of relief. We've tricked them, and they don't know to trust us anymore.

Billy-Stormy hamburger scene. BIGGEST laugh of the night when Stormy walks away after handing him teh hamburger. The two of them are gold. No doubt about it. I smell spinoff.

Dean-Lolly scene. Laughs at "sensitive flower" and Dean not getting it. Bigger laughter when Lolly accidentally slaps Dean on the forehead. I'll never underestimate the power of physical comedy again.

End credits. I can feel the audience exhale. We've cut out at the right point. I am emotionally drained. I try to sum up my thoughts but all I can feel is the first half failed, but the second half won them over. Why didn't I get a better reaction from these good people? I can barely look up when I see onscreen the dedication to my father.

I'm called to the front of the theater, with the cast. I can barely look at anyone in the eye. They want me to stand in the center. I just want to escape. I can barely speak, but I remember our bullet points and buzzwords.

I feel like a hypocrite hearing the audience applaud. Yes, they should applaud the cast. They were and still are courageous. But not me. Where's the booze?

Followup. There's a line from James L. Brook's amazing I'll Do Anything (go rent it), where a rancorous producer played by Albert Brooks goes to an audience test screening of his latest movie with all the enthusiasm of a criminal walking to the hangman's noose. The line, before he sits down in the back of a packed theater where his audience will deem his film worthy or unworthy, is this:

"Nothing good that happens tonight can make feeling the way I do right now worth it - nothing!"

I went through every emotion a person could go through that night. As you can tell. At the after party, everyone congratulated me. Indeed, they were glowing. After a while, I started glowing. Of course, no one is going to tell me they hated it or they had problems with it. But I'm a pretty good judge of b.s., and the responses I got - from strangers - were warm and glowing. What was success were the premise and the characters. In other words, everything you need to succeed in a pilot. The potential was all there, on the big screen. And they wanted more.

A lot of good happened that night. Good that I hope and pray materializes. And soon. Even though not one person thanked me for throwing the party, I was happy. The night was a success.

I just wish I could have avoided the screening!

PRESS RELEASE

2009-08-04T17:35:00.000-07:00

“SEX ED: THE SERIES” PREMIERES TO SOLD-OUT AUDIENCES AT 2009 INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION FESTIVAL

Celebrity attendees included: Joanna Cassidy, Matt Barr, Judd Nelson, Ernie Hudson, Kristina Klebe, Barbara Eva Harris, Jessica Collins, Daisy De La Hoya, Dean Chekvala, Gregg Binkley, Andrea Lui, Leila Arcieri, Jeremy Holtz, Assaf Cohen, Clifford Banagale, Q’orianka Kilcher

NOT EVERYONE WILL PASS. BUT EVERYONE WILL BE EXPOSED. This is the message behind the new independent television series “SEX ED: THE SERIES.”

A cross between “The Breakfast Club” and “Sex & the City” – “SEX ED: THE SERIES” is a new dramedy that follows the lives of eight very different college students enrolled in an unusual sex education course. What they thought would be an “easy A” turns out to be a journey of intimacy and self-discovery due to the avant-garde teachings of Professor Alison Trevase (Joanna Cassidy, Emmy award nominee for “Six Feet Under”). Their first assignment…pair up and make clay sculptures of each other’s genitals. Through this unconventional assignment, the students’ pasts and secrets begin to surface -- proving that Sex Ed is more than just about sex.

Tamela D’Amico (“On The Lot”) produced and directed from Ernie Vecchione’s original teleplay. The pilot was shot in 11 days in Los Angeles using donated Panavision HD cameras (the same cameras George Lucas used to shoot “Star Wars: Attack of the Clones”). Series regulars include Matt Barr (“One Tree Hill,” “Gossip Girl”), Angela Sarafyan (“The Mentalist”) and Andrea Lui (“Pushing Daisies”). Other series stars include Laura Clery (“Til Death”), Annie Abrams (“Cold Case”), Andra Fuller (“Prison Break”), George Finn, Caroline Aaron, Stevie Ryan & Casey Graf.

Future topics of the series will include: First Sexual Experience, Pornography, Media, Body Care & Grooming, Size, Toys, Penis Envy, Feminism, Orgasms, Tantric Sexy, Fidelity, Abortion/Pregnancy, Birth Control/Protection, Foreplay, Threesomes, Free Love/Casual Sexy, Disease, Fetishes, Homosexuality/Homophobia, Bisexuality, Lowering Expectation, Settling Down/Commitment, Role Playing, Breakups, the Battle of the Sexes, Food, and, of course, Love.

The after-party was held at nearby restaurant Sushi Dan & featured the tunes of DJ Kid Japer. Drink sponsors included Adam & Eve Ale from Great Sex Brewing Company and 2006 ForPlay-California Chardonnay, 2003 Barrel 69-Napa Valley Red Wine and 2005 The Stri'-Paso Robles Cabernet Sauvignon from Erotic Cellars Winery.

All the “Sex Ed: The Series” guests received a special gift bag that included: Add Magic Lubricant and Vibrating Couples Rings from Booty Parlor, Inc. (http://www.bootyparlor.com/); “Between the Sheets,” “Sex on the Beach,” “Redhead in Bed” and “Riding Crop” purse fragrances by Demeter Fragrance Library (http://www.demeterfragrance.com/); multicolored Durex Condoms (http://www.ssl-americas.com/); S-E-X Dice from Kheper Games Inc. (http://www.wildpartygames.com/); CDs by Taxidoll (also featured on the “Sex Ed” soundtrack); Topco Sales Cinnamon and Lemon Wet Head 69 Collection dissolving oral sex strips and Climax Gems waterproof mini vibrators (http://www.topcosales.com/); and WET Safe Sex Kits by Trigg Laboratories (http://www.trigglabs.com/)

THE ROAD TO ITVFEST...

2009-08-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

Gala night. l to r. Dhana Taprogge of Taxi Doll, producer-director Tamela D'Amico, actors Casey Graf, Andrea Lui, Andra Fuller, Matt Barr, Angela Sarafyan, George Finn.

Above. Matt Barr, Annie Abrams, Casey Graf, Andrea Lui.

To reiterate: I produced a pilot. Wrote it. Financed it. Picked the company. Approved every aspect of the production. Including every penny. Ran post production myself. Watched every cut. Approved every color correction. Every sound mix. Even supervised the graphic design of the DVD cover and website.

And I was never busier than I was last month preparing for the festival.

We hired a professional publicist - man, I thought lawyers were expensive - to help us create a big splash with the event. Our first screening would be our World Premiere. We would invite press and celebs. We would have gift bags. We would host an after party. Maybe - just maybe - someone in the biz would notice us.

We found a great publicist, Lee Wallman of Wallman & Associates. Well connected. Enthusiastic. Creative. Great. Nothing to worry about, right?

Not so fast. Our premiere is on a Sunday night. Aug 2. 9 pm. A couple of things: August in L.A. is the official "I'm out of town" month. It's also the week of the Television Critics Association, where networks wine and dine the critics - the very press we hope to attract - and unveil the fall television shows.

The other thing is: we had to cut down our pilot from 61 minutes to a more festival friendly - and therefore, more network friendly - 44 minutes. In two weeks.

Problem: our original editor is booked for the rest of the year.

Second problem: my go-to choice, Tim Novotney, had moved away from L.A. to Hazleton, PA. Not to worry: this is the modern age. He'd post his work online for me to view. We didn't have time to upload dailies. Instead, we Mickey Moused it by editing within the cut we already had. This shouldn't have worked but it worked surprisingly well. The original cut was edited so expertly the essential work was just trimming, losing a line or two within scenes, finding ways to hide the cut within reaction shots.

In addition, Tim and I rearranged scenes, clarified through-lines and arcs. We pushed character to the forefront, not comedic bits. We lost some of our broader stuff. The show played more like a legit drama than dramedy. By the end of Week One, we lost 15 minutes. And at 45 minutes, it was more network friendly than before. We had suddenly opened up our marketability.

Some things I learned while recutting:

1. Cut the speeches. Interaction is where it's at.

2. Stick to story, not moments. But...

3. Keep character development. (I was going cut crazy, shaking the tree for only essential story elements. By doing so, I lost focus on my most important element - the characters.)

4. Don't let the characters peak midway. Don't let them learn midway. (I had written a byzantine arcs for one of our characters, Dean, where he was searching for wisdom, got it, then lost it again, then realized it again. Keep it simple, stupid.)

5. Don't sum things up, fool. Don't wrap things up and place it on a bun because you want to...

6. LEAVE THEM WANTING MORE. This is pilot-making 101. (I had done a wrap up at the end, showing the characters reconciling while there was poetry being read over it by the professor. It was beautiful, cinematic, and summed things up too neatly. Basically, I gave no one a reason to watch a second episode. It played like a season ender, not a pilot. So I had to lose it. And that section was the whole reason I wrote the pilot!)

7. Entrances and exits = no good. Start scenes late. (I wrote a lot of entrances and exits. We filmed them all. Kept them in our old cut. Lost them in our new.)

8. Locate the heart of every scene and keep focused on it.

9. Kill your babies. I mean, REALLY kill your babies. (See: number six)

10. Get ahead of your audience. Don't explain to them what you're doing or where you're headed.

11. Don't use music to tell the audience how or what to feel. Don't guild the lily. This ain't Star Wars. You ain't George Lucas and your composer ain't John Williams. Music should only be used to enhance moments, not dictate it. (I had fallen into that trap with our previous version. It wasn't offensive, but when we took music out of our most dramatic moments, the scenes worked better. We weren't underlining the beats.)

As Lee our publicist made the calls, and my producer Tamela worked the industry side, we had over 90 confirmed guests for our premiere.

Gala Night for the ITVFest arrived, complete with red carpet and press. I spent two hours in front of the mirror, trying to figure out what exactly "L.A. casual" means. It was an extraordinarily well done event. Exceeded my expectations. Some noticeable VIPs were Felicia Day, Jane Lynch, Daniel Stern. Most of our cast showed in support. They were glad to. Some I hadn't seen in months.

I was interviewed on the carpet ("What's your show about? What's your website?"). I politely stammered through my answers.

By the time the evening was finished, I had learned that our screening for Sunday had sold out. There were no more tickets to be had.

For better or for worse, I had arrived.

SEX ED NEEDS YOUR HELP! (A SMALL FAVOR, PLEASE...)

2009-07-11T12:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

The most useful thing about being in a festival is the opportunity to create something called buzz. It makes everyone curious and helps perceive the idea that this show is something people want to see. So would you kindly...

1) Go to itvfest.org ...

2) Register (it's free!)... and...

3) Find Sex Ed on the schedule and...

4) Add us to your calendar?

You don't have to buy a ticket. Just add us. Our buzz ranking will climb and the festival - and thus, the industry - will notice us, attend the screening, buy us outright and air us on Sundays at 9 pm. And tell your friends! The more people clamoring to see this pilot the more buzz we create! We can make our show number one in buzz. But only if you help.

As a reward, if we reach number one, I'll tell you where the Gag Reel is on our website, which is http://www.sexedtheseries.com/ ... AND I'll tell you a secret about someone in this production that nobody knows!!! I swear!!!!

Please, register! Let's buzz!

THE 4TH ANNUAL LOS ANGELES INDEPENDENT TELEVISION FESTIVAL PRESENTS...

2009-06-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

We're in! We entered in the dramatic category and have been invited to compete against 8 other pilots*. The festival runs July 31 to August 6, with an Red Carpet Opening Night and an awards ceremony. This is exactly the shot of adrenaline we need, after two months of knocking on doors, getting a lot of shrugs, a few nibbles, but ulimately no bites. I've always thought of the selling of Sex Ed as a marathon. We've just begun, but this opportunity is wind behind our backs and it feels good. In fact, I'm feeling so good I may even sponsor an industry after party.

...At least, that's what my publicist says I should do.

More to come! Spread the word! Let's celebrate!

* The pilot will be shorter by 10-15 minutes in order to fit it into the progam schedule. Granted, I've always felt the pilot was long, but not overlong by a third! This abridgement - call it Sex Ed Redux - gives us an opportunity to present it in a more concise exciting way. It also makes the pilot more marketable. So I'm learning.

THINGS TO DO IN DISNEY WORLD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD

2009-06-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

So I'm in Orlando, Florida, to see my mother and her brother and his wife. Her brother and his wife - both from Argentina, both 70 years old - have never been on a plane or visited America in their lives. So naturally, Mom takes them to Walt Disney World.

They don't speak English. I don't speak Spanish. It's punishingly hot and humid. It's a vacation I neither deserve or can afford. What else can one do but punish his body by drinking everything in sight?

So when in Disney World trapped with relatives you can't communicate with, why not try...

... a Blue "Glow"-tini at the Belle Vue Lounge in the Boardwalk Inn (1 ounce Skyy Citrus Vodka, .5 ounce Bols Blue Curacao, .5 Bols Peach Schnapps, 1 ounce Sweet & Sour, .5 ounce pineapple juice)...

.... a pint of Guinness at the Rose & Crown in World Showcase in Epcot...

... a green apple "Cotton"-tini at the Shark Bar in the T. Rex Cafe in Downtown Disney (2 ounce Skyy Vodka, 1 ounce Apple Schnapps, 1 ounce Midori Melon liqueur, 1 squeeze lime juice, poured over a piece of cotton candy)...

... a Pina "Co-Lava" at the Uzima Springs poolside bar in the Animal Kingdom Lodge (3 ounces Bacardi Pina Colada, 1.5 ounces Bacardi Razz, 1 ounce Island Oasis Raspberry)...

... a Grey Goose lemonade smoothie from a kiosk at the France pavilion in World Showcase...

... or an Ultimate Long Island Iced Tea at the 50's Cafe in Disney Hollywood....

... or how about some deadly Electric Kool Aid over some duelling pianos at Jellyrolls on the Boardwalk (.5 ounce Midori Melon Liqueur, .5 ounce Triple Sec, .5 ounce Sweet & Sour Mix, .5 ounce Southern Comfort, .5 ounce Amaretto, .5 ounce Cherry Brandy, .5 ounce Blue Curacao Liqueur, .5 ounce Cranberry Juice, topped off with a touch of grenadine syrup)...

... or just a simple salted margarita over ice from the Barefoot Pool Bar on the beach at the Polynesian Resort...

... if the alcohol gets too much, stop by for some afternoon tea at the Garden View Lounge in the Grand Floridian (three courses involving tea sandwiches, scones and jam tarts, followed by a desert tray, accompanied by a glass of Domaine Ste. Michelle sparkling wine and tea - try the Eros)...

... and if you're going to see the Cirque de Soleil show La Nouba, why not get ready for it by downing a refreshing mojito at Bongo's in Downtown Disney...

... or wind down with an Orange Dream at the Trout Pass poolside bar in the Wilderness Lodge (Skyy Orange Vodka blended with ice cream and Monin Candied Orange)...

... or a Fiesta Margarita at Margarita Stand at the Mexico pavilion in World Showcase (a mix of Lime, Strawberry, Mango and Green Apple Margaritas)...

By the third day in, my left arm was feeling a little numb from all the abuse. Despite the above, I don't live to drink. I live for moments like below.

So may I recommend skipping the parks, skipping the drinks, and just be open to finding an empty hammock for yourself on the Polynesian Beach next time you're lost in Disney World...

WAITING FOR GOD

2009-05-09T00:22:00.000-07:00

I'd be a fool to tell you exactly who's looking at the pilot right now, but the good news is that people - a handful of our immediate contacts, well-connected people in the industry - ARE looking at it... And it's positive. Many impressed. A few have even bit.

Exciting news, but the catch is... well, even if one of those people considering it is over the moon about it, he or she can't make a deal because there's this thing called GroupThink out here. No one person can step up to the plate. There has to be a consensus. Turns out we need a team of champions, not just one, to help run this up the flagpole (sorry for all the metaphors) to the networks and powers that be.

Adding to that are 1) it's the worst time in history to be selling anything, even if it is about teens and sex, 2) it's L.A., so getting a yay or nay decision from anyone takes time, about 2 to 3 weeks from each person, and 3) the networks are making/have made their pilot decisions for the fall, so there will be a lot of rejected pilots that will soon be looking for a new home. This puts us in very crowded territory. It will be weeks - months - before we get a decision on the first go-round, our Phase One.

So there's very little for me to do now except panic, which I'm getting very good at, and plan for Phases 2, 3, 4 and 5.

On the personal front, I've finished Grand Theft Auto 4, I watched all three seasons of the Venture Bros, and am currently eating and drinking my way through Hollywood. It's hard work, and lately it's getting hard to wake up in the afternoon...

I attended my first networking party - complete with business cards! - and found the whole endeavor sad and desperate. I felt both inadequate and overqualified. Inadequate because I don't know the con of approaching strangers and leeching onto their contacts. Overqualified because I have something special. I ain't a spec script I pulled out of a drawer in the hopes somebody likes it. And I ain't grubbing for a gig so I can eat... I have a completed fully developed pilot!... It's unique (which instantly makes it a burden, believe it or not), and I am very proud of it. The finished product is exactly what I wanted when I started - but now I face the worry about fitting it in out here. A deadly emotion, creatively speaking, but oh so vital for longevity in this town...

P.S. Saw Star Trek today. Had a lump in my throat the whole time. It's everything you want from movies - action, great characters, humanity. Thought I was watching Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time. Could mean big things for Mr. J.J. Abrams. That guy could sure use a break...

THE TRIP BACK TO L.A.

2009-04-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

Day 1. I give my regards to my Father in Philadelphia. I am tempted to leave a copy of the DVD there for some cemetary worker to find and play, but then I realize one of my aunts will probably find it first. Not a good idea. From there it's a 13-hour drive through Delaware, Maryland, Virginia and finally Tennessee. I make it to Nashville where I get the last available room at a Hampton Inn at Opryland. I park at a shitkicker inn, where a local asks me for 10 bucks so he and his wife can get a room. What is it with these panhandlers and me? I decline the invitation to give him my money. He looks at my license plate and goes, "California, hah?" With my car loaded full of goodies (and very expensive DVDs), I hop in and head out... to another shitkicker inn. They serve both types of beer- Bud and Bud Lite. I have a catfish sandwich. 'S good.

Day 2. I head over to Lynchburg, Tenn., for the Jack Daniels distillery tour. I hate their whiskey, but after the hour-long tour and after smelling the 100 proofs in truck-sized vats, naturally, I would want a sip. Alas, the entire county is dry. You can't buy a drop of Jack Daniels anywhere near the factory. It's like going on a tour of Hershey's chocolate and afterwards finding out chocolate is illegal. I check into the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, with its manufactured gardens, waterfalls and moat. It's the country Disneyland. I eat a ribeye steak that tastes so juicy and tender it's like eating butter. I attend the Grand Ole Opry and am immmediately the darkest looking person in the audience.

Day 3. An 8-hour driving day takes me to Oklahoma City. I watch Lost and eat at a Santa Fe Steakhouse, where I have a ribeye and drink Bud Lite from a medicine jar.

Day 4. 8 hours takes me to Santa Fe, New Mexico. For a destination, it's a lot smaller than I first thought. I go to the Georgia O'Keefe Museum, which has none of the paintings she's known for. It's 40 degrees and snows a little. I grab a beer and burger at the Ore House. The bartender just got out of prison, and shows it. I don't have a good vibe about the city. There's an authentic alley where Indians sell their wares out in the cold ,while rich white people sell their arts and crafts inside their posh shoppes. I check in to my reliable Hampton Inn and konk out.

Day 5. I wake up and I'm in a snowstorm. Roads are closed, trucks are overturned. I decide to forge ahead anyway. I drive past a snow-covered desert (a first for me). In two hours the 10 degree weather gives way to 70 degrees. I arrive at Sedona, Arizona in 7 hours. It's touristy, manufactured to please. None of those pesky Native Indians that I saw in Santa Fe. Here, it's just expensive worthless arts and crafts and spirituality... I do feel a kind of energy, surrounded by those amazing Red Rock mountains. It's so nice, I stay an extra day. At the hotel I eat elk, wild boar sausage and venison for the first (and please God) last time.

Day 6. I visit Montezuma's Castle, a two-thousand year old Native American dwelling forged on the side of a mountain. It's one of the oldest landmarks in America, and eerie. I visit the Church in the Rocks (or whatever it's called). Architectural marvels bore me. I am soon exhausted taking pictures of red rocks.

Day 7. The final 8 hours brings me back to my place in West Hollywood, where I have to work selling this pilot, if you can call it work. In many ways I'm still on vacation.

DOLLHOUSE S01E06 REVIEW, "THE MAN IN THE STREET" WRITTEN BY JOSS WHEDON

2009-04-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

Um... remember reading something I wrote... about me saying that Dollhouse wasn't that.... um, what did I say.... um, something to the effect that it wasn't so... what's the word... good? Well, Mr. Whedon schooled me, and good. He shows me why series, for whatever reasons, need to have the time to find its feet. Episode 6 of the series is simply excellent. This is the episode fans - and myself - expect: pace, story, humor, turnarounds, and most essential, heart. No one else balances these tricky elements into a satisfying whole. Who else can thrill you, win you over with witty dialogue, then blow you over with surprising action, a terrific reversal, and then - well after you've had enough entertainment - turn around and make you cry like a little baby? All in one episode?

He clears up most of the issues viewers like me have had with the show - who to identify with - by placing his star in a supporting role and letting the gumshoe detective take over. We got to understand the detective's obsession and learn more about what the Dollhouse is - by using the most direct method, with on-the-street interviews - and most importantly, what it means. I have to admit the episode is much more successful by pushing his lead (Eliza Dushku) out of the spotlight. She's more interesting in smaller doses. I hope it's a harbinger of things to come.

What am I eating? I'm eating crow. And it tastes delicious.

SEX ED: THE SERIES

2009-03-20T10:04:00.001-07:00

I pick up the DVDs. All 16 boxes of them. They ask me if I would lilke to open one up. They're all shrink wrapped, a nice plus. My hands shake as I open one. It took me a while to pop one out of its sleeve, that's how tight they are. I open up the panels, see the disc. Pop that out. Yep, it's a DVD.

The same day I approve the website. It's locked. It's live.

I can say without hesitation its one of the proudest days of my life.

So... What is it?

It's called Sex Ed: The Series.

It's about a very unusual sex ed class in college.

It stars Joanna Cassidy, Matt Barr, Annie Abrams, Angela Sarafyan, Andrea Lui, Laura Clery, Andra Fuller, George Finn, Casey Graf, Stevie Ryan and Caroline Aaron.

Its producer-director is Tamela D'Amico. Its co-producer is Rod Hamilton. Its director of photography is Christina Fiers. Its editor is Skip Collector. Its production designer is Elvis Strange, with art direction by Sara Cook. Sound design by Jeremy Grody, of Sound Logic Post in Burbank. Music by Kyle Newmaster. Costume design by Alycia Belle. Its color correction and DVD creation by Nik Blumish of Red Eye Digital in Los Angeles.

Its website is http://www.sexedtheseries.com/.

It hopes to become a real show one day.

I believe it will.

P.S. Like a copy? If you're in the L.A. area I'd be happy to hand you one. All I ask is that you buy me coffee.

And no, I'm not kidding.

P.P.S. For the cast and crew, there's a slightly longish and un-color-corrected Easter Egg to be found on the website. Hope you enjoy it.

DAYS 4 & 5

2009-03-16T14:08:00.000-07:00

Well, how could I not stop at Graceland (parking = $10, admission = $30) to see the bucket that Elvis Presley kicked? Actually, I didn't see any buckets since the 2nd floor where he met his maker is off-limits. I must say, I expected the tour to be kitschy but found it to be surprisingly moving. You can feel the love among the shag carpets, leather couches and gold records. After all, the man is buried there.

It's a 16 hr ride to home, which I attempt to make in one fell swoop. I get a late start from Memphis at 1:30 p.m. I push through Tennessee and its mountains - a nice change from the straight line I've been driving the past three days. It's 9 p.m. when I reach Virginia and I consider myself practically home, even though I still have 500 miles to go. I poop out at 2 a.m. and pull over to a Rest Stop.

The next day is an easy one, with just Maryland and Delaware and finally, New Jersey. I love driving and I entertained the hell of out myself with podcasts and XM Radio.

Somewhere along the thousand mile mark I think I achieved something close to perspective. For the whole past year. For life. For everything. And somewhere between Texas and Tennessee I caught myself grinning. I was beginning to feel like myself again. For me, the trip wasn't long enough...

DAY 3

2009-03-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

7 a.m. I drive out of New Mexico to snow and when I'm in Texas it's humid. I see the sort of famous Cadillac graveyard - the Texas Stonehenge! - to my right and pull over.

A few hours later and I'm in Oklahoma. I see a billboard for the Roger Miller Museum at his hometown in Erick, OK. I'm a fan of his since his appearance on The Muppet Show. He was one of the great wits, on par with Mark Twain. (Surely you know his "King of the Road?") The tour guide took a shine to me. Gave me the museum tour personally and for free, saving me the two dollar admission. Downtown Erick consists of two blocks. I grab a club sandwich which consists of ham and baloney.

It's a 12 hour driving day. I'm in Little Rock, AR by 9;30 p.m. at a Hampton Inn where the entire hotel is occupied by high schoolers talking about Jesus.

DAY 2

2009-03-13T21:30:00.000-07:00

I rise at 6 a.m. to see the sunset, scheduled to rise at 6:45. Waiting and realizing I'm not a girl, I junk that and go to breakfast at El Tovar, where I can see the sunrise from the window, above my Prime Rib Hash and orange juice.

I stop by the Mather Viewpoint to take more pics. It's 8:30 a.m. Dear Lord, is there a day I can visit the Grand Canyon without a schoolbus of nattering Japanese tourists?

A 9 hour drive ensues. I stop by the Meteor Crater in AZ for exactly fifteen minutes. Yep, it's a crater. (Cost: $15) I survive on junk food and XM Radio throughout New Mexico, where it snows the entire ride.

I arrive at the vintage Blue Swallow Motel on Route 66 in Tucumcari, NM at 7 p.m. So this is what historic Route 66 is like? It's a friggin' deserted town. The phone in my room is a rotary phone!!!! Shit town, great people. I have drinks at the Pow Wow Lounge. I recommend their version of the Black and Tan, which is half Blue Moon, half Bare Knuckle, one part orange. Ask for Jake. He drives 90 miles to his work. I'm not kidding. How many miles do you drive?